Aloha Rhod and welcome to the board.  I ask the same question that Serenity does, Are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings?  Spending an hour with us in the rooms is much more enlightening because you can of course see the faces and hear the voices.   MIP isn't second to anything because this board is 24/7 and often I come here at odd hours to get the messages I need.

Just a clue for you: being dry isn't the same as been sober...Sobriety (totally abstinent) is the normal condition.  Stopping for a while is still alcoholism because he remains under the influence and will drink again.  The AA's first step is the same as ours and just as meaningful when maintaining complete abstinence..."Admitted we were powerless and that our lives have become unmanageable".  I put that in present tense not past

You didn't say if he has committed to sobriety, has a home group and works the steps.

He has a sponsor and has a bottle...that isn't sobriety.  Please look for the Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call to find out when and where we get together in your area.    Keep coming back ((((hugs))))

Hello Rhod.  I am fairly certain SerenityRUS has mentioned several books in her various postings, which sound helpful.   For me (I have an AH and 4 children) I personally found 'How Al Anon works for families and friends of alcoholics' a comforting book.  It explains the steps and slogans, but also has lots of personal stories.  I also personally like 'Paths to recovery' from Al anon family groups as it has lots of self reflection questions to help me try and work the steps from home.  My face to face al anon group is a life saver.  I am also early in my journey (just 8 al anon meets so far) and I am at step 1.  Hugs. X

Hi Rhod, My personal favorite is Courage to Change. The Title alone really speaks to me and is a good constant reminder for me. If you have a smartphone or tablet, I like the Al Anon Workshops and Today's Hope apps. They are both free. In my community, I am able to find Al Anon books at the second hand shop or the used bookstore quite often. Some face-to-face groups also have lending libraries with different books you can check out.

My wife joked about being an alcoholic when I met her. I didn't realize she was serious. She had periods of drinking and not drinking, rehab and no rehab, meetings and no meetings. Not even totaling her car and being transported to the hospital to detox motivated her to stop. I still would say she is dry, and not sober. Primarily because she only goes to meetings upon prompting from AA friends, does not have a sponsor and refuses to work the steps. I don't find her "I can recover alone" mentality to be very realistic or healthy. And yet, there are major changes in her behavior. When she is no longer legally required to be sober, she says she plans to continue to not drink. I do not know if I believe her or not, but whether she drinks or not is her decision, and that is not something I can do anything about.

One boundary that I had to put in place was that I would no longer share a bank account with her. I was angry and resentful about how she spent her money, and her tendency to overdraft and pile up NSF fees. I felt like I was constantly staring from behind each pay day. At first, I thought I was angry because she was spending money on alcohol, but then I realized that we have very different priorities about spending money. I am a "pay the bills first" person, and she is a "have a bit of fun first" person. It didn't end up mattering to me what she was spending her money on, the problem was that we didn't have enough left to pay the rent, or we didn't have gas money, or we didn't have enough in the bank for me to go visit family or meet friends for lunch or coffee. I felt like I was sacrificing all the time, and she was throwing money around as though dollar bills were flowers in early spring. This boundary made her VERY angry and we argued about it for well over two years, but I am no longer worrying when she overdrafts her account, I always have enough money to pay the bills, and I can go visit family when I want to. That boundary might not work for you or be possible for you, but early in my AlAnon program, that is the boundary helped me to let go of my resentment and made me feel more secure.

I hope that you keep working on your program. It does work. One thing I am still learning is to be patient with myself and not expecting perfection from myself. Showing up and trying day after day really helps. (((hugs)))