The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So one night I was perusing the postings and I came across Curlyblu's post about how her Qualifier ruined her favorite blanket. As I read her post, I kept thinking, Yup! I know how she feels. My bedroom (OK, our bedroom) is the one room in our tiny rented house that doesn't look like it was set up with flea-market finds. Not that there is anything wrong with that - I have found some real treasures - but you know, it was my sanctuary. I had a beach theme, and had taken the time and effort (and cash!) to purchase quality items. Yes, the bed has lots of pillows, but I think it makes the bed feel sumptuous. For the last 8 months (at least) every time I turn around there is some stain or such on the bed/pillows. He ruined my silk pillow completely, and most of the others have blood on them, from cuts, bloody noses etc. I keep telling my AH to please not eat or drink on the bed b/c he just falls asleep (passes out) and either 1) drools on the pillow, or 2) spills his drink. I must have asked a zillion times! But, like anyone fully entrenched in their addictive behavior, they ignore your wishes... it is ALWAYS about them.
Anyway, today I was pulling apart the bed to wash the bedding and everything -including the mattress- had a HUGE stain on it! And of course, it's all on my side of the bed, because that is where he "holds" on to his drink when he lays in bed. I must say, I sat there and cried. I know that I will probably be able to wash it out of the bedding, but not the mattress. Then that just got me to thinking about all the pillows he has ruined.
And it got me to thinking that, No, Curlyblu, you are NOT being petty for wanting to have beautiful things that stay beautiful! Because that is what happens in a NORMAL household. Your expectations are met with reasonable results.
I know this program tells us not to get caught up with expectations... b/c they only bring us grief when our Q dashes them to the rocks. But damn! I hate that I have a life where reasonable expectations can never be met! Especially since I have learned to make mine so low.
So for tonight, I will just tell Curlyblu that she is not alone. I want to validate her feelings.
Thanks for letting me share.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PosiesandPoppies))) - I put away my beautiful things in the hopes of saving them for another day. In the best effort of using the serenity prayer, and realizing that I was the only one in my home who cared about these things and being neat/tidy/respectful, I just changed that which I could....it really, really helped with my stress level.
We need new carpet and I just keep cleaning the old. We need our hardwood floors redone, and I just keep cleaning the old. We need new towels, and I just keep washing the old. I packed up and stored the things that matter to me and nobody else, and know a day will come when it's right to get them out and enjoy again.
I was raised to take good care of my things, whether I spent $ or $$$$. My husband, not so much - they had 10 people living in a small home, and learned basic survival skills only. He views almost all things as disposable, no matter their cost/value. It just is what it is and my stress lowered when I let go of these differences. He's a slob even when he's not under the influence so I would love to blame the disease, just not sure that's all that is at the root of this.
I get it fully and am sending you (and Curly) positive thoughts and prayers....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((PandP)) I'll admit I had the complete visual of how I would have been reacting to find my blanket ruined yet again. Yanking it from the bed....stuffing the pillows, more like punching them. I had given up on the pillows cases years ago long before I got my "pretty" blanket. I just would use plain cheap ones that all my pillows and shams would hide anyway.
I really do know how you are feeling as well. For me I realize that it goes beyond that blanket, it was more about what that room really was. It was our room. In a time where we were a real functioning couple. Now we are rarely in that room at the same time. If I sleep in there he is on the couch. If he is in there I'm on the couch.
I used to get soooooo mad when I had to clean his side of the room. All of his garbage, his laundry bins. His stack of clothes he doesn't put away because he needs them. Cleaning his ashes and astray. I could get madder than a wet hen.......he either never seen because I was home alone, or got annoyed because I moved something.
The last time I cleaned that room, I only cleaned my side of the room. At the time I will admit it was totally out of spite. Now I see I was doing something for me. Keeping my side of room the way I like it. His mess is his. He can clean that.
For me I was able to move the blanket into another room....in a safe room one that in time will be my get away when I need peace. Right now I can't move too far out of the room due to the safety issue of him sleeping in bed.
((IamHere)) That's partly the reason the blanket was such a "huge" issue for me at the time. I was raised in a home that we could never have been able to afford the "resort feel". Honestly I would never have bought that blanket and the pillows myself either. It was far out of my range. So when it was given to me, I felt like a queen. That is my issue that material thing.
That day has most definatly taught me a few lessons, I was being told earlier (all the previous burns to other blankets) I just wasn't ready to listen.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
I missed the original post, but wanted to pop in with t thought for the "ruined" mattress. Having been ther myself before, I found some amazing solutions to the mattress problems.
First, (not to endorse a specific brand because most have the same enzymes). You can purchase a small bottle of pet stain and odor remover for any spill that is related to blood, bodily fluids, or most drinks and it will normally remove the stains from your bedding without damage (plus, after it dries....it smells nice). Then, if money is an issue, most dollar stores sell $1.00 plastic tablecloths or other inexpensive plastic items (like shower curtains) which can easily be placed undelr your sheets to ptotect your mattress.
Because we have rescue dogs (which become family to us), we also purchased two cheap pet (back car seat) protectors and always keep them on to of the nice clean comforter, then we cover them with a couple of easy to wash white sheets (I always have tons of them I pick up from the local thrift store for $2-3 for a king). If there are any stains or stray marks, no problem, I just whisk off the sheets and wash them with bleach. The pet protectors can also be washed easily.
I realize this does not help with the emotional issues related to dealing with your A, but for me, I "need" to have something I do for myself that feels clean...just for me. Fresh bedding is something I cherish and I couldn't care less if it comes from a thrift store. In fact, I like the thrift store sheets (again only bleach-able ones...white/cream here) much better than the most expensive ones I have ever purchased...and I have spent way too much on sheets, I promise!
I hope you don't mind the "advice" being dropped into your thread. I give it only to help you get your serene room back to a place of happiness.
I understand this oh so well. At 50 years old I picked out and purchased my first couch. It was a beautiful cream colored slip covered shabby chic sofa. I can't afford the second set of slip covers yet, so I try to be very careful to catch things quick with Oxyclean stain remover (a Godsend!). But my AH falls asleep on it with a glass in his hand and I can't catch those spots soon enough because it is late in the night and I am asleep. Or, he passes out on it and sweats that yucky alcohol sweat. I realized a while ago, that the couch was not going to be my beautiful treasure and I needed to view it as what it is, a place to sit down and watch TV. I was being unrealistic when I bought it. I am working on letting it go. Now it just frustrates me.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
wow to you all. on this i really thought i was alone. and my Q (live in partner) is sober at the moment. it's not all about the usage - this is underlying stuff (for him).
i try to let these things go. sometimes i succeed, sometimes i fail. i really make effort to choose my battles and detach. sometimes i'm just pissed, because I Live Here, Too.
Bethany66 - Sorry to hear about your couch. It sounds so cool looking... I love the shabby chic look. I must say, I hate that yucky alcohol sweat!!! It is so hideous, and it's everywhere. Needless to say, I use a lot of Febreze! LOL!
All - I do try and let these things go... and most of the time I can (on the surface). But to be quite honest, I cannot yet seem to move from the feelings I have about being in the place in the first place. I know I didn't Cause it, and I am getting used to the fact that I can't Control it, and I couldn't really care less if it can be Cured (sorry). I am just mad as hell that this is my life. Thank you all for your ESH. Because each time I read your thoughts and your reactions, perhaps I can get closer to living within this nightmare.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
