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If I don't get some help I am going to ruin my marriage. After seven years of him drinking and us being seperated for four years he's back and now he's been sober for five months. Now for some reason he's sober and I'm a ragine lunatic. I have this thing in my head that I am going to make him suffer now that he's sober. I want him to know how much pain and mental abuse that he put me through. Sick isnt it? I know what I'm doing but I just flip out. One day I'm nice as can be and then he does something that "triggers" me back to his old ways and I lose it. I guess maybe it's because he doesn't and can never know what he's put me through. I was alone with two twin five month olds and a one an a half year old....all alone. He pushed me, hit me once.....would wake the kids up with his ringing the door bell. The cops, the neighbors, the embarrasement, the lost friends, I lived all this while he drank it away. I waited all this time for him to become sober but no one told me that once he did I would still be mad and angry and not ok. I thought it would all be ok once I got what I wanted. What is going on? I don't want to be angry anymore. I'm not sure if I can let go of what happend. It's like mental abuse for four years. What do I do. Where do I go from here?
Friend this is where detachment can help you.All the pain you suffered was from a disease controlling your A.
Maybe think of it this way, he has a brain disease. Right now he is in remission and more himself. Instead of punishing, be happy the man you love is back.
being sober is nothing with out a program of recovery.Does he go to AA? Is he working on his other A behaviors?
More than anything is the fact that we need to work on ourselves and not focus on them. They have to follow their own paths just like we do. The anger is normal. Sometimes I too get so p----- off sometimes I gotta remind myself that that is the past and let it go.
I don't have a vehicle at all right now. I am in the country and have animals! He blew out my transmission. rrrr drove it knowing there was no fluid in it.
so I figure I am suppose to be creative somehow. I don't waste my energy on yelling at him. He feels bad enough just being A. Believe me friend they do know they hurt you, they know what the pain feels like.
My A was saying how his friend A treats him. I said well you did the exact same thing to me. See how it feels? He says thankyou I really needed to hear that, sarcastically. Well I was not sorry I said it. But I did notice I did now want to do that again.
I wrote a lot in my journal like I was writing to him. You might consider getting your pain out that way. Also when he is gone, pretend he is in a chair in front of you and let him have it. Do these things for YOU.
The more you make yourself happy, the less you will be mad at him being controlled by a disease. I find now that I don't depend on him, I do so much better. Nothing he does can take anything away from me.
If you can, go have fun, take your kids and go hike, feed the ducks, get huge white paper and make chocolate pudding and paint with the pudding.
Anti stressors will help you forgive and forget. I could tell ya things that would make your hair stand on end that A has done. I just don't hang on to it anymore. I am me now, I am strong and don't need his bs to make me sick. If I keep it in, it controls me. I am not into that at all.
You are in the right place to help you let go of the past. I is not going to happen over night, I am very sorry to say. I spoke at a meeting the other night saying, I wished for years that my ex husband would sober up and he would see just how insane he was. I wanted that so bad. Years, after the divorce. It took a while of being in the program to learn that I was and am just as sick if not sicker than he is.
Looking back, I bet my friends and family noticed my crazy behavior before they noticed his. But, it is okay. That is a precious memory of my past now. Through working the steps and having a sponsor, going to meetings, coming to this message board, calling another Alanon, reading the literature...I am learning how to be healthy. I am learning that the resentments I once held, were really just holding me and no one else. Ofcourse, with out having gone through these things, and coming into the program, I would get the chance to learn how to process these things. That is why it is precious to me.
I have a feeling, if you keep coming here and get yourself as far into the program as possible, you will find a new peace within you. Whether or not it is going to save your marriage...I don't know. I wish you the best of luck. I am so glad you are here.
Been there and still doing that. Hard reality that they will never let anything in through that wall of theirs. In Alanon they call it recovery for us. My A always said that the disease will take him and me down with it.
We have to pull ourselves out of our co-addicted relationship with the help of our higher power. I have to literally stop my brain and change my thought process with my obsessive thinking about all that my A has done or not done.
I totally get what you're going through. I left my a husband in October and I could hardly talk to him for 3 months i was so angry. Then I got to the point that I wasn't going to give that power anymore. I Forced myself to meet with him on several occasions and have a calm dicussion. He called recently and asked for money to help get the house painted. I was shocked at his request and tried to keep my cool and when I couldn't muster another word I just told I couldn't talk to him anymore. Well, tomorrow we had arranged a dinner with our son. I feel I must go for our son's sake, he's been looking forward to it. I felt a wave of depression coming over me at work today. Work was very busy and I felt myself holding my tears back. I don't know how to deal with the anger accept to think before I talk or react. I know in my case I'm not in love with my husband anymore and I'm angry that he waited so long to get sober in a serious way. I'm in therapy and I'm trying to get past him and the way he makes me feel. I find ftf meetings helpful as is this site. It took a long time for us to get this sick and we won't heal in a few months.
Hi Friend, you didn't mention whether you're in recovery yourself and though your A is sober didn't say whether he's attending AA or working a program. If he isn't, chances are his old behaviours will still be present and could perhaps trigger your anger/resentment/fear. If he is working a program, it takes time. When he gets to Step 4 he will look at his behaviours and their consequences. At Step 5, he will admit them to God, to himself and to another human being (rarely the spouse!) and its not until Step 9 amends begin to be made.
When my A got sober I took his sobriety as his acknowledment of the 'wrongs' he had done. The best way for him to make amends to me was to not repeat the patterns of the past ('I'm sorry' had worn thin long before!) and if he wasn't drinking the odds were greatly improved. It was hard because I remembered every painful detail of his drinking and he'd spent most of it apparently oblivious in a drunken stupor or black-out. That didn't mean that he did not feel the pain, shame and embarrassment of it all. He has since told me he did and the shame and remorse he felt was so overwhelming that he drank on that to try to obliterate it!
I would strongly recommend you attend face to face meetings if you're not already. It will help you work through your issues in a safe place and thereby lessen the risk of you 'exploding' and jeopardising your marriage. Early recovery was really tough for me and my A, it certainly wasn't the 'garden of roses' I'd dreamed. I needed the support of Al-anon, there were people there who had walked before me and showed me the way.
I had to 'give time, time' and keep the focus on me. I had to work hard on my own recovery (try to keep my nose out of his) and today things are so much better. I was told when I attended open AA that an A would find it almost impossible to maintain their sobriety if they went home to an old idea. I didn't want that old idea to be me!
I hope this helps in some way. There is also some literature about living with sobriety available through the fellowship (sorry, can't recall titles) and there is also a post from Abbyal on the main board called 'Am I ready for sobriety?' This may help too.
We often tell ourselves while they are drinking and drugging that if only they would stop everything would be fine. If they stop, but they don't work a program, their behavior and thought processes won't change. Part of our program is to stop reacting to them. We are sick too. In order for us to heal, we must stop letting other people dictate our feelings and work on ourselves. For me, it really helped me to look at myself. The more I read and the more I read and understood, the easier it was to let go of my anger and bitterness. I was able to see him with compassion. THat was something that was very hard for me to do the past five years. Sure, I get angry at him, but I look at myself when I get angry and see that it goes back to him not living up to my expectations and feeling let down. My expectations are my problem not his. I expected everything to be perfect and wonderful once he started getting clean. It's a process.
Your not along in feeling and behaving this way. My A isn't even home and I get angry on the phone. It's something I have to work on. Your right, I want her to know just exactly what she put me through. I want her to feel the pain for what she has done as assinine as that is. HOpefully each day and each call I'm a little more focused on me and not allowing my buttons to be pushed. But wow is it hard.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My husband was going to AA but for some reason doesn't go. He says "i know that's a dry drunk" so I'll start going again. He says he's tired when he's off of work and money is so tight right now that he doesn't want to "waste" the gas. He has a sponsor and only goes on Friday's when he see's his sponsor. I keep telling him "you have to work the program" but he says he's doing just fine and is happy. It's so frustrating. SO my anger is so much of a mix. I'm afraid it's going to go back to where it was.
I think the anger is very hard, I am not living with sobriety but wish I was, but from reading your post I'm not ready for it, I would be the same way, he would need to know the suffering I went through and even if he did I don't know that I would be satisfied.
The only thing I can say is that while you were living in your hell, maybe you could take comfort that he was living his own personal hell, and it must have been hell for him to want to change and to have successfully done it.
I do agree that counseling if you haven't already gone there would be great, I need it myself and have had a hard time finding a counselor that knows anything about living with this disease. But I was told to contact a counseling center for alcoholics for suggestions on counselors for families of alcoholics.
Good Luck, I pray you find an avenue that helps you and that you can finally enjoy sobriety and life.
No matter what we want to think, teh problems do not miraculously go awaay when the bottle gets put down.
It takes a long time to build up resentments, and a long time to work through them.
It is human nature to want them to feel the pain they have put us through.
If you really think about it, it cannot work if a recovering A has to spend the rest of their life kissing the feet of their spouse or children or whomever, to make up for the pain their drinking has caused. Most of them have been party to a lot of pain, their is also a lot of guilt. No one can be happy under those circumstances
We cannot change the past, neither can an A. We can only change the future. We can choose to be free and happy. They have to be able to put the past behind them and move on to bettre times, we have to be able to do that as well.
We have all heard empty apologies. They mean nothing. Actions mean more, living well and happy. We each need to seek forgiveness form our HP. We cannot undo what we have done, we can just work to put it behind us.
He needs to work his program to his ability in his way. You need to work your own. Only as you both get healthy can you learn to live in today, otherwisw we just keep repeating the past.
Ok, from reading your posts I must insist that he goes to meetings, even though he may just be parking his truck around the corner. I have three small children so I don't know when I can go to a meeting. I'm not ready to leave him alone with the kids yet, maybe I'll try.
I have seen that I am sick if not sicker. When in the world did that happen??? I had to wait to read these posts because just the thought of this whole thing literally makes me sick. My stomach turns because I thought I was out of it or going to be out of this junk. My children are 5,4,4 so they are very impressionable and I know I will be the one to mess them up with my words to him.
I totally understand what you meant by him not wanting to come back home to the same things and that being MY attitude hasn't change and your right, it hasn't. I need to work on that. I will be making a call today. IF I'm not careful I will blame him for me having to go get MORE counseling. lol This is so hard.
I would love to visit high schools to let girls know about this sickness. No one prepared me at all. I was so side swiped and I loved myself for being smart to the real world. What a joke I was for thinking that. huh?
I too have problems getting to meeting because of my kids and trusting my a with their care, but there are online meeting which I found very helpful and to be honest I found them sometimes better than the face to face because there were topics and a larger group of experience. If you haven't already atleast to get you started check it out.
I take my children to the meetings with me pretty often these days. I also attend several groups. So, sometimes the kids are sitting right there with me and sometimes they are in another room where I can still see them. I bring coloring books and small toys. Yes, they play and have fun even get a little loud at times. It doesn't seem to distract people too much. A lot of times there are other kids there to play with as well. My nine year old, listens a lot. She seems as though she is getting a little something out of it. They are as much in this disease as I. My children are 2, 7, and 9.
When the dust clears, I want to be the one left standing so that I can pick up the pieces for my little ones. It was real hard coming into the program going to the meetings with or without them. I learned real quick, that all I was doing was giving excuses as why not to go. Once I got past that....I would have come in standing on my head if Alanon told me that is what I needed to do to help myself and my children.
I think the anger is very hard, I am not living with sobriety but wish I was, but from reading your post I'm not ready for it, I would be the same way, he would need to know the suffering I went through and even if he did I don't know that I would be satisfied.
Holly,
My wifes clinician in rehab was quick to point out to me that sobriety is recovery. Not drinking, aka dry drunk is merely abstinence.
What would I be satisfled w/? That's a good question and maybe that is why I need to focus on me. Because I'm not sure anything she can say or do would ever be 100% 'satisfactory' to me. Sooooo, if I work on me, maybe I'll be less focused on that. Right now it is hard tho.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Sweetheart, I'm so glad you feel helped by all your replies and I can relate to your fear/anxiety. I don't know how to say this diplomatically so I'll just say it straight. Please bear in mind it comes from a place of love, it is only a suggestion and not intended to cause you any more hurt. It is just my opinion. I was very concerned when you wrote that you feel you 'must insist he attends his meetings'. You are as powerless over his recovery as you were his drinking. I personally would have resented my A BIG-TIME if he interfered in my recovery, such as it may be. There was a time when I lived in fear of relapse just the same as I did the next drink. It totally disabled me. All I could do was work harder on my own recovery, place my fear in the hands of my HP and hand him over to his.
I understand your concern that if the 'nuclear bomb' goes off you're going to get covered in the 'fall-out' and you have little ones to protect too. Perhaps you could try putting some structures in place that will make you feel safer. I know there are some child-friendly meetings, not many here, but it's worth asking around. If your children are at nursery or school perhaps you could find a daytime meeting. There are of course online meetings as well. There is fantastic literature available that may also help, you can purchase it online if you can't get to a meeting. Your recovery is for you and you deserve to feel happy, joyous and free.
