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Lately, I have been experiencing quite a few "issues" with my FOO...especially my eldest sister.
My FOO was typical: An AF, a wonderful non-drinking mother and three girls, myself being the middle. We all "suffer" some personal marital issues related to having grown up in alcoholism...though my AF did get into the program and was in full recovery for more than 10 years before he died. My younger sister has not divorced, (her choice and I certainly support her in her choices, though Lord knows she has dealt with her share of marital craziness). She has moved many states away so I rarely see or even talk to her, but I will leave that for another day.
My older sister... has serious issues. She does not drink, but is a "food addict" and acts the addict in every way. I am literally stunned that a person can act EXACTLY like an alcoholic, yet never drink or do drugs. Food is definitely her obsession, though all of us could shed a few lbs without any harm...lol. I am NOT making fun and wish with all my heart she could get her life under control.
Unfortunately, I have recently been "helping" her (at the request of my mother and at the begging of my sister) to start a small business. This interaction is NOT going well! My sister feels justified in stealing, lying (almost literally every breath), cheating, manipulating, talking about others, twisting words, and completely disregarding all of my requests to just "leave me out of it". The bottom line is she acts exactly like an A (and I would surely know having lived with one for decades...who is now just shy of 24 months sober).
Anyway, things have gotten really strained lately, with each of her "blow-ups" worse than the last. On each occasion, she has thrown things to the grown, gone into insane screaming and sobbing (you know manipulative style), called me names, tried to belittle me with her words, played the blame game, and, (when those things didn't work), telephoned me over, and over, and over, and over...first on my house phone...then my cell. When I didn't answer, she would call my teen daughter! Of course, she would tell my teen how "your mama just cussed me out" LIE, or some other insanity, that she oh so sobbingly apologized for when that didn't work either.
Each occasion has been more violent than the last and each has has an audience for better dramatic effect. Day before yesterday was the end for me...I'm done! I made some comments I shouldn't have that time though and clearly and soundly told her loud and always angry husband to "shut up"....followed by a cLear statement that this was between me and my sister. He was less than pleased, screaming that he owned this business and he owned this property..bla, bla, bla. Again, I told him emphatically to "shut up" and followed by saying "you don't on a d--- thing" and fiollowed by the last "Shut up", which removed him from the conversation to pout. Fact is, neither of them own the dang building (my mother does) and it is not willed to either of us, but to someone else (but I left that out).
Eventually, I became afraid the situaction was getting so out of hand and my ever desperate sibling was going to become seriously physically violent. It was then that I called my mother to mediate while I removed my items from the property...making sis and hubby even more angry and causing a litany of screaming sobs and tantrums about how it always happens this way, nobody loves me (sis that is), I wish I had never been born (sis), and everything else under the sun for poor pitiful me (sis). I should have kept my mouth shut, but after being called a few really nasty names and cursed at more times than I care to mention, I yelled at her to "shut up that whining...I'm sick of it". Yes, I did call her out on the lying too and I do know that she will not accept upfront honestly like that, so I likely escalated the situation more than I should have.
I (with help) have now removed all of my items and taken them somewhere else for "resale". I just want my serenity back!!! I have literally lost around $1000.00 in this insane venture and I just want peace. I truly wish things were different, but my sister needs help and I cannot give her that! I believe intense MH treatment, and definitely AlAnon will be necessary if she is to ever be a rational hum
My reason for this long post and for using up my time and yours here is to ask if anyone thinks this situation, especially the constant lies, the stealing, the extreme anger, the selfishness, the deception, the gas-lighting, and the other craziness could be related to her untreated childhood issues with our AF (before his sobriety) or if this is just a MH condition that is so out of control that she honestly can't help herself anymore.
I KNOW I have no other choice but to remove myself from the insanity and let her handle her own circus, because it is causing me serious physical and emotional stress and pain. Unfortunately, my dear mother is crushed that her "girls" cannot get along, but I "think" she knows the truth somewhere in there. I love my mother with all of my heart and want to keep her as happy as I can, but I simply cannot continue a relationship that is toxic at all levels.
Hi DMB I believe that you made the right choice in removing yourself from the insanity of this business venture. As I read through your painful experiences with your sister, I was reminded of alanon's slogan that suggests that "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results" and that attempting to analyze a situation to understand"why" only leads to attempts to control or change someone so as to be able to continue to engage.
Since we are powerless over people places and thiings, I believe if your sister has shown you who she is "believe her" and take care of yourself.
Thank you Betty. That was one of the most honest and illuminating things I have read or even allowed myself to consider since all of this started. You are right! I now give myseff permission to accept her for just what/who she is and will try my best to avoid overthinking this thing. I am powerless over people, places, and things. Thank you! Peace..and a little sadness, but I am powerless over others. Perhaps I can relax some now and take life as it comes...on life's terms. Again, Thank You! I needed these words badly.
Family disease. Wheres mum in all this? Are you both being played so each runs back to momma who makes it all better because she's all powerful? I wouldn't place my daughters in a business environment together cos even at 4 and 3 those two are chalk and cheese, it'd end in tears. Not that manipulating adult children for attention is neccesarily intentional, nor that a manipulative person is by extension a bad person, but manipulation as a form of getting attention is a learned behavior in alcoholic families. Course i could and probably am way off base here... That's just how I've seen it roll in my family time and time again. On another note... I'm estranged from my entire family by choice, but I've noticed no family is without conflict. I wish I'd had more program before throwing the baby out with the bathwater! Take what you like and leave the rest.
It sounds like you have made an excellent decision to remove yourself from this relationship, it does sound like shes a desperately unhappy and immature woman. You are powerless to change that, it lies within her. I would see the 1000 as a good deal for you to learn that your serenity is worth much more. There is usually learning to be had for us in these situations, its always about us. Maybe it would be good for you to reflect on your motives for venturing into this project with her, did you want to see if the fire was still hot? and if so why? Maybe doing a step 4 on the whole situation could lead you to knowing more about yourself and your own motives within your family relationships. could be the best course of action.
It sounds like you made the right choice. I love my sister, but we are oil and water. We both learned to step back and stay out of each others lives so that we can have a positive relationship when we really need it. It sounds like you set some boundaries, or are about to, and I think that is a very healthy approach.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I just typed a reply and thank you to each of you and my iPad "ate" it.
I want to thank everyone for their ESH and to say how much I appreciate you taking the time to post. My sister is ill. I can accept that and distance myself except in cases of extreme emergency. She will, unfortunately, not allow me to go smoothly, but I can handle that because my HP has my back on this one and my MIP friends are here to lend ESH when I need them.
Thank you for the insight and I do appreciate your opinion, but this is a rare case where my mother loves each of her children equally, but different. She is an enabler for sure, but not a manipulator. I know many who are, but she is understanding here and I appreciate that. We actually have a very good relationship and she will live with my family should something happen to her husband.
Thanks again for your thoughts and please know I do appreciate your ESH on this.
In this case, it is most like LC said....she is truly miserable and sick. I have literally seen her loose and gain over 100 lbs in a few months period on several occasions when she is most unhappy. Recently, she has been going up, up, up...so I am positive she miserable. Unfortunately, I am powerless in this and all things where she is concerned and I only turn her over to my HP.
Again, thank each of you for your ESH.
-- Edited by Doingmybest on Tuesday 28th of March 2017 08:33:29 AM
I too agree that moving on and taking care of you is the best choice possible....we are powerless over others - how they act, think, do, respond and if mayhem and chaos exude with each interaction, doing something different/new sounds sane to me.
My oldest and I have very few moments of 'peaceful dialog'. We are very different in how we think and he's extremely reactive. We both have our issues and maybe age, maybe recovery, maybe God-given - don't know - but I've worked very hard to detach from him/his ideas/his attacks and remember that I love him unconditionally and hopefully this too shall pass.
It does me no good to take his inventory - tried that - the results are more frustration and resentments for me. Instead, when I am centered, I look into me and my actions/words to see what I could do different, better, etc. It is my hope and desire to have a better relationship with him at some point...I'm choosing to allow him to be right and I'll take happy - learned that in recovery - "Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?"
Family business is tricky business when people are healthy. My parents had a family business with my aunt/uncle for a while and most employees were offspring. It was stressful for me and I was only an employee!! All that you mention above happened, lies, theft, manipulation, drama, chaos, missed shifts and more. I was so grateful when I was able to move on from that job. It weighed on me deeply as I didn't know how to handle it - in any other job, I would have reported the employees....when it's family - ??? - I was young but that didn't matter.
As a mom with two sons that battle about everything most days, I've taken a backseat to their relationship. I raised them right and showed them the value of family, honesty, integrity, etc. If they want to get along - their choice. If they don't - their choice. So - I can understand that your mother prefers to detach.
Take care of you and turn it all over - HP has this as well as your sister. It's not your job to help her heal/deal with her issues - loving her from across the street, town or state might work well for a while....
Sorry for the stress - helping family has always been a bit of a drama-fest for me. I've gotten wiser with each event and make sure I've got an exit strategy...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I finally returned to FTF meetings last evening to the topic of "self-awareness"... isn't it funny how the perfect topic is the one you "get" when you go to a meeting?
Anyway, I have read each of your replies and listened earnestly to the readings and words spoken at last night's meetings and I finally feel good about my decision. I also accept my part now, which was that I guess I was essentially "judging" and "telling her what to do"...despite this being what I was asked to do.
As an "alanoner" (if that is a word) lol, that is one job I NEVER need, because it definitely brings out the worst in me!!!!
I was demanding and I was overbearing. I still believe the input I provided was exactly what I was asked to do (over and over), but I fully and freely admit that I cannot accept her perspective on just about anything and that I should have declined with grace before this ever got started. I'm still mulling over whether or not I owe amends and if now is a good time to make amends (assuming I decide they are due).
I have to admit as well that I have been extremely angry and resentful since she recently "hired" my child (legal contract and contract with the high school as a school program) and when my daughter performed many hours of duties (even costing her to burn her own gas several days doing advertising), then my sister refused to pay her at all....and I had to pay her from my pocket (way above minimum wage since that is what my sister wrote in the contract) for the school to accept the hours worked.
I didn't mind giving my daughter some money because she does work very hard on her college work and has little time to earn spending money of her own, but I do mind my sister hiring her (without my consent or knowledge) and then refusing to pay her. It left a really bad issue for my daughter that had the school involved and nearly lost my child her college funds for this term (which would prevent her from HS graduation on time)....so....I did/do still have some resentments I am dealing with there.
I don't think I am ready to make amends for my part at this point.
Anyway, I am trying to accept my part of this horrendous situation and I can see how I came across as controlling or even perhaps demeaning in her mind, but I checked myself and my motives and I did what I did because it was exactly what I was asked to do.
Again, I am even more certain now than ever that I should never accept or allow myself to judge or "command" others because it brings out the damaged part of me that needs to be restrained. To be 100% honest, I would do/say/recommend exactly the same things again, under the same set of circumstances....except perhaps during the all out war rages. I might even do or say the same things in that situation again, if it were to occur...I'm not sure, so the best thing I can do for all involved is stay in my own hula hoop and let her run her own circus. Oil and water just don't mix and I have yet to overcome my judgment of she and her family. I simply cannot handle being in the environment they thrive in, so I must remove myself entirely.
(Hallelujah we had the forethought to schedule different cruises this May/June for our vacations. Unfortunately, my daughter is on the cruise they are own. Fortunately, however, there will be other people she can associate with who love her and with whom there is respect that goes both ways.)
Thank you my MIP friends! You have, as always, provided words of wisdom I really needed to hear!
-- Edited by Doingmybest on Wednesday 29th of March 2017 10:11:20 AM
All the best, families are complicated. I have no relationships with either of my sisters and don't regret that, though they have an annoying tendency to pop out of the woodwork to be nothing more than pains in the donkey,and yes kids get used. Sad but its great that you are detaching and that you have a good relationship with your mother. If your sibling is anything like mine, thats another string to the resentment bow. Crazymaking stuff without recovery. Positive thoughts to you and your daughter.
