The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd like to find a place where I can talk about my relationship with my wife who is an alcoholic, she's been sober for 3 years. My issue is adult in nature, has to deal with the relationships my wife has made in AA.
yes, we all try to be brutally honest, and honestly, we have all been in your shoes. I can probably write your post already even though I don't know you. Just be sure to be brutally anonymous too. Don't let me know personalities.
Several men have tried to get too close to my wife. Two have been fairly successful. She told me right away about the first one, he made her feel very uncomfortable at first but he persisted and he wasn't bad looking. She's very attractive and craves attention from men, I like that about her and it's usually a fun game we play together. The problem started when she stopped talking about it. When I noticed she was enjoying the attention we talked about it, talked about how hot it was that another man was attracted to her and how she felt about him. When she was drinking we had some pretty wild adventures! She wasn't shy and I always enjoyed myself as well... Anyway, she started texting him and deleting the messages and eventually their feelings for each other became very strong. I went to a meeting and talked to him afterwords. I politely told him that I though he had become too close to my wife. He apologized and that was the end of it for a while. Long story short my wife is also bipolar 1, that's the serious one. She had a med change and after that she began to be disgusted with the guy and he has since moved on.
Then there's the second and current guy...
I spy on her, I hack her phone to see if she's texting. Should I stop? I've told her that maybe I'll find a friend to text...
Husband,
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for people with mental illnesses to have addition problems too. Inappropriate relationships go along with that too. Alanon helps us to fix ourselves so we can live peaceful lives without the insanity alcoholism can bring. My ex-A cheated on me, and I just wanted to find a way to get out of the relationship because the trust was gone. Checking his phone was a sign of my insanity. Jealousy caused me to act in ways that I did not like, and the only way for me to change it was to leave the relationship. Other people have more success staying with their partners. I think alanon can help, I am sure someone else has some good suggestions. Welcome to MIP, Keep coming back!
My XAH was cheating .. I must have been aware on some level that it was happening or going to. So I did the typical I'm going to catch him before kind of thing .. I think what I would ask muy former self is what am I getting out of the snooping? What am I going to do with the information I have when I find what I started looking for? Then to boot how do I explain my part in the violation of their privacy? I caused myself increased unnecessary pain. Btw .. I was right .. It took God/HP showing me when I was ready to absorb the information because I already had plenty I chose not to do anything about it until he left his email open on the computer. That's when I was ready. So what are you getting out of this behavior from you .. What are you going to do with the information? Snooping is on me .. The deceptive behavior of cheating is on my xah. It is common for relationships to start in AA with newly recovering people. It happens when there is needed company and people are not ok. I was more furious my ex was cheating, taking my sexual health and putting me art risk for stds and so on .. That I had no choice in and was unaware of .. It wasn't the drinking that base me leave it was the behavior with the cheating that did. ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Alanon suggest that we focus on ourselves, stop destructive behavior and learn to place principles above personalities . We do not give advice and I do believe that this question would be better directed to the AA Board
Welcome to MIP husband - glad you found us and glad that you shared. In Al-Anon, we don't really give advice but rather share our experience, strength and hope with each other to help heal/deal with the affects of drinking in a family member or friend.
If your concerned about the behaviors of an alcoholic in your life, active or in recovery, you might consider going to some Al-Anon meetings. I found local support, help and hope there and while each situation is different, we often have common feelings/healing to do.
As far as if you should/should not continue in your spying efforts, that's a personal choice. For me, it wouldn't be happening as it would cause me more stress and I'm searching for peace/serenity in my life today. I have heard it said many times in AA that if you bring an alcoholic horse thief to recovery and it sticks, you then have a sober horse thief. This disease is mind/behavior/mood altering and the affects last well beyond the drinking. It takes years for many to find the balance they need to change all aspects of their 'being'.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You have come to the right place to hear part of the story and part of the solution as others have experienced it and maybe found solutions. First of all alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and in the presence of alcoholism all sort of negative behaviors abound along with the thought and feelings that come with them. The second step states "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and as I read your post I revisit the insanity that took residence in our lives while the disease raged regardless of the amount of recovery both my alcoholic/addict wife and I had. Alcoholism isn't a moral issue it is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can and often does touch all levels of those areas. It often will allow and even encourage the behavior you are expressing here because we are powerless over how it moves, acts and reacts to influences around us. My alcoholic/addict wife had a husband that resented me because I interfered with and in the relation nship they had even though I didn't acknowledge or show awareness of it. I came to understand "She would have an affair with any Tom, Dick or Harry that she met with" before then adding my own name to that list honestly. Alcoholism is a non-biased disease it affects everyone it comes into contact with and it is not about moral issues...this is a real disease categorized by the AMA (American Medical Association as one that If not arrested by total abstinence will result in insanity and death.
You and she have had the problem presented a while back between yourselves and maybe others so you may be dealing with another characteristic of alcoholism in that it is Progressive....always gets worse never better if not arrested by total abstinence and adherence to a program of alternate sober behavior. Recovery isn't only about "not drinking" ...We arrested our drinking and change our thinking, feelings, behaviors and perception including building a relationship with a power greater than ourselves we come to call a "God of our own understanding". Having fulfilled and continue to use that process neither she or you, chances are, would behave as you are for your own peace of mind and serenity. I'm preaching of course and then I have dual membership in both Al-Anon and AA and over 37 years of recovery in these programs.
It is for my own benefit that stay in and work the programs so that I can continue on a daily basis to received the benefits of them and the fellowship at large who work for the same thing.
Our personalities and spirits are so vulnerable to hurt and pain from within this disease of insanity. Trying to attain a reflection of who and what we are from looking at the alcoholic and addict is a form of mental, emotional and spiritual suicide. What is reflected back at us is horrible.
Keep coming back to MIP and read and share including the step meetings held daily which are posted on the face page. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 25th of March 2017 06:38:43 PM
