The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2c is about defining what is and what is not our responsibility/business.
Many of us are very confused about this in the beginning, having grown up or spent years being conditioned to the idea that we are responsible for taking care of every-one else first and ourselves last, if at all.
Through time, meetings and stepwork we can arrive at a place where we know clearly what is and isn't our business. The reading suggests that such things as being loyal to our own values and attentive to our own needs are our responsibility, as is being of service in al-anon by being welcoming to newcomers, listening attentively and sharing joy as well as sadness.
Additionally it suggests that it might be our business to be kind and courteous to our alcoholic loved ones but it is not our responsibility to try to manage or cure their drinking or save them from the consequences of their own bad choices.
The reading suggests that when we are tempted to meddle in something that is not our business or responsibility we can distract ourselves by focusing instead on a specific way in which we can instead care for ourself.
"I have a primary responsibility to myself, to make myself into the best person that I can possibly be. Then and only then will I have something worthwhile to share" (Living with Sobriety)
***
I know that allowing my qualifiers to be responsible for their own problems and focusing on mine instead was very frightening at first. I was so sure they could not survive without my assistance and constant "course corrections". Funnily enough, everyone seems to manage just fine even though I have long since retired as Manager of the Universe. I have enough time and energy to care for myself, so I am no longer drowning in resentment, and I am genuinely pleased and proud of the achievements of my qualifiers without being burdened with the ugly idea that they somehow owe me for their success because I have 'sacrificed so much" etc. All in all a much happier way to live for everyone!
I enjoy the suggestion in this reading of turning the attention to myself when I feel the urge to meddle. I am going to use that
Happy weekend all.
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 25th of March 2017 03:29:53 AM
Good morning Ms. M. I appreciate that you took the time to share your wisdom regarding this important concept. Prior to program, because of growing up in an alcoholic home, I had developed many negative coping tools that I thought were assets and that no doubt served me well as a child but in an adult world proved to be very destructive to my self-esteem and self-worth.
Making my needs and self invisible,by not appreciating my assets, taking care of others even though they did not want to be taken care of and could do so themselves, denying reality and attempting to be perfect and needing to be right and control at all times to name a few.
Enter Al-Anon and being told that changed attitudes can aid recovery and asked to focus on myself, my whole world changed and I grew. Working the steps and embracing the principles of the program helped me to see that many of my assets were defects and that by interfering in others lives was "interfering" and abandoning myself was destructive.
Learning how to balance my attitudes and principles is an important part of this Al-Anon journey. I am so glad that I accepted the basic concepts presented by this fantastic program and came to understand that making ourselves into the best people we can be is a worthwhile endeavor.
Thanks Miss M and Betty for your service and shares on this core topic.
To say I was confused before I found Alanon would be an understatement. I misdirected incredible time and emotional energy worrying and trying to 'help' and redirect others, at great cost to my own growth and awareness and to my relationships with others.
I really like this comment: "I know that allowing my qualifiers to be responsible for their own problems and focusing on mine instead was very frightening at first. I was so sure they could not survive without my assistance and constant "course corrections". Funnily enough, everyone seems to manage just fine even though I have long since retired as Manager of the Universe." - Spot on!
Focusing on others kept me from seeing how the patterns of my own disease kept me returning to an unhealthy place, thereby directly contributing to my own insanity and unmanageability. I am so grateful for the direction and reminders to keep/return the focus to myself, there is always room for improvements
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hello Miss M, Betty and Paul. Learning what was my business and how to mind it and not everyone else's was a challenge for me too. When I first came to alanon my focus was so much on my AH I wasn't even taking care of the basics for myself. I wasn't eating or sleeping enough not even taking care of my physical appearance. Thankfully with support from meetings I found healthier boundaries and as I gave people back their responsibilities I found more time and energy to meet my own. Always grateful for the program.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts folks. Stan, I was the same...I had reached a point of self neglect that makes me shudder to think of now- whilst "tending" to others in ways that enabled and disempowered them. What a destructive force I was, really.
I had a grand opportunity to employ this idea of focused self-care when tempted to meddle today....after a day of running Her Satanic Majesty about the country side yesterday I had told her that today was for me to relax and that I would not be driving anywhere and most importantly, I would not be the target for any abuse or demanding behavior. Sure enough she awoke grumpy and then decided to begin a project and started very rudely demanding that I help and when I refused, deliberately made a huge mess of it. (she was trying to convert my "junk" desk into an art desk for herself which meant...relocating my junk. Not a job I asked or wanted her to do and NOT a job I was going to do on my self declared 'day off"!!) I found myself furiously angry ad yet ready to take over and complete the job for her (finishing with a triumphant "so there?") Actually her vile mood and unfair demands were her business, not mine and placating her wasn't the answer for either of us.
Anyway I remembered what I decided when I posted this last night and so I removed myself from the scene and thought on what I could do instead to care for me. I locked myself in my room and read until I had completely forgotten my vexation. When I emerged she had simply piled my junk back onto the table. OK. Works for me Funny how things work out when you don't meddle.
(Of course when she comes to me politely at a time when I have not expressly said "do not disturb" we can contemplate creating this work-space for her.)
-- Edited by MissM on Sunday 26th of March 2017 04:48:52 AM
