Hello mtk746,
Good subject, Try to make the boundary the A's responsibility. They have options, if they choose the wrong one that is not your fault. Their feelings might be hurt and they will be angry, I do not know how to avoid that. I am sure someone probably has better suggestions. If you try to talk to someone when you are angry that might not be the right time, try to remain calm. Some boundaries unfortunately will sound like and ultimatum, it is for you to have peace, believe in yourself and be strong. It is so hard sometimes, but you will be fine.

For me an ultimatum is about control vs a boundary is about keeping my serenity. Long ago my sometimes toxic, but lovely AH would drink, and I mean binge drink, at our home. He would pass out on our couch and urinate because he was too out of it to get up to use the little boys room. And there I was cleaning the couch cushion in the morning, all my serenity out the window. Well eventually I had had enough, and I set a boundary to never clean urine off that couch again. So the next time AH got wasted and lost all urine control, I waited until he left for work, I dragged that couch out the front door, down the driveway and to the curb, with all my serenity in tact. Lucky for me it was garbage day. Damn I miss that couch.

Hi - I am still fairly new to this, but have quickly learned that the boundaries need to be about me and what I will and will not tolerate / do - something I can personally control.  In the beginning, I set a boundary that my Ahusband was not be drunk in the main family room / in front of the children and we set up a separate room for him, out of sight (but not out of mind).  However, I had no control over this - so when he was drunk in the main family room, I could do nothing about him, but I could leave myself.  Unfortunately with 4 children, this wasn't very practical as I found myself out of my own house for long periods of time with four children in tow, which ate up money and my energy. 

I am also working on not saying things I can't follow through on - if you continue drinking, then you need to move out.  He is still drinking and still in the house and there is little I can do about it, except focus on what I can control - move out myself etc.

So far on my own journey, I have stopped saying any 'if you....'.  The boundaries are my 'silent' boundaries which I might even make in the moment.  For example, I went to pick my AH up from an AA meeting  (he doesn't drive) and he had drunk a bottle of whiskey and was falling over.  Whereas before I might have screamed at him or even said if you get drunk I will not give you a lift home, I just left him there to his own devices and when he was sober, just simply said I felt angry that you had drunk, but that's your choice - but in future if you want to go to meetings, I will not be picking you up and just moved on.  This is helping me a bit to avoid ultimatums.  Maybe this is a bit extreme - but I have found some serenity this last week in imagining us walking down two different paths.  He has the 'right' to 'choose' his own path. 

 

Great read everyone! I can see how boundaries can be and will be very important to finding my own peace. How do I set these boundaries with an active A. Do I simply flat out say I have set thsee boundaries. Clearly it would have to be communicated during a time of dry/sober. Finding a way to set them I place without having twisted into...me being selfish will be a challenge. Thanks again for sharing this topic.

My experience is aligned with maryjane's above me. Boundaries have nothing to do with another person - they are about self-protection (not abuse)....

Simple examples from my recovery - when we all lived together, we all had busy schedules - work, school, golf, softball, after school activities. I appointed myself 'super woman' and would try to cook each night for us to eat together. This was stressful and difficult and way more work than necessary.

When I began recovery, and considered self-care, I took a look at things that caused me stress/anxiety. Once I identified these, I used the serenity prayer to consider what I could change and/or do different. So - I basically decided each morning what was for dinner, what time it would be ready and shared that with the family. If they came home later, they could self-serve. Not only did I try to gather times from each person each morning, all 3 active in the disease, I would ask what they wanted!!! Talk about denial (me) and insanity (me)...

I also stressed out when I went to bed with a clean kitchen and woke up to a wrecked one. I just filled the sink with soapy water and asked them to put the dishes in if they ate late at night. That small ask was easy (most of the time) and gave me a bit of peace that I could get to the coffee pot to make it.

Because of the disease and the ages of my boys, we did not allow them to get licensed to drive. They had to get rides from us and never planned well. I refused to give rides if I didn't get proper notice (work, events, etc.) THIS was one that caused a ton of angst!!! They adapted as I held firm.

I am in recovery (AA) so truly have no desire to be around alcohol or altered people. This is consistent for me - not just for my qualifiers. So - how I consider if my boundary is protective vs. punitive is how I apply it. I try to be consistent with all of my boundaries - as best I can.

For me, it's not about what I can/will/won't tolerate - it's about what makes my life less stressful/more joyful. I shut my phone ringer off when I go to bed. I am a firm believer that nothing good happens after midnight. My sons know better than to wake me up unless it's an emergency. Jail is not an emergency here, neither are car accidents unless they are hurt.

This is from How Al-Anon Works - Chapter 11....it really, really was helpful to me as was my sponsor...

"PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Al-Anon recovery is about reclaiming our own lives. We do this by learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help with our limitations. But many of us find it difficult even to begin this self-focused process because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others, especially the alcoholic. Having interceded for so long on the alcoholic's behalf, constantly reacting, worrying, pleasing, covering up, smoothing over, or bailing him or her out of trouble, we have often taken upon our shoulders responsibilities that don't rightfully belong to us.

The result is that we lose the sense of where we leave off and the alcoholic begins. We have become so enmeshed with another person's life and problems that we have lost the knowledge that we are separate individuals. When asked about ourselves, we often respond by talking about the alcoholic. We perceive ourselves to be so connected that, if something happens to the alcoholic, it seems only right, only natural, for us to respond.

Many of us even confuse this absence of personal boundaries with love and caring. For example, from the moment the alcoholic goes out the door, we sit, immobilized, unable to do anything but think obsessively about him or her. We lose the ability to distinguish between the alcoholic and ourselves until the alcoholic's past, current, and potential actions become our sole focus. This is not love; it's obsession. When we cease to live our own lives because we are so preoccupied with the lives of others, our behavior is motivated by fear. Not only is it harmful to a relationship to hover anxiously or suspiciously over a loved one night and day, it is also extremely self-destructive.

Likewise, when we cancel our own plans and stay home because we fear that the alcoholic will drink if left alone, we may protest that we act out of loving self-sacrifice for the sake of the alcoholic. More likely, it is an effort to feel that we have some power over the drinking. The choice to abandon our own plans for such a purpose is an act of fear, not an act of love. Canceling plans and staying home to avoid the consequences of "defying" the alcoholic is another form of self-abandonment and has nothing to do with love.

Genuine, healthy love isn't self-destructive. It doesn't diminish us or strip us of our identities, nor does it in any way diminish those we love. Love is nourishing; it allows each of us to be more fully ourselves. The enmeshment that characterizes an alcoholic relationship does just the opposite.

DETACHMENT
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Al-Anon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.

If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we would take the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of a person with a cold, we will no longer have to take those effects to heart.

Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In that moment we can ask ourselves, "Is this behavior coming from the person or the disease?" Although at first the answer may not be clear to us, in time it becomes easier to discern whether alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior. This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the troublealcoholism. Everyone's attention goes to the harsh word, the broken glass, or the bounced check rather than to the disease. It becomes automatic to defend against the insult, weep or rage at the thrown glass, scramble to cover the bounced check. But by naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it at all. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism," and let it go.

Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need the support or perspective that only a Sponsor or fellow Al-Anon member can provide. An Al-Anon call or meeting could be just what we need to help us separate ourselves from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being.

At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. But it is even more important to remember that establishing personal boundaries is not the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.

Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known."