The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just read the statement in a previous post (thanks John), that "hurt people, hurt people". I though how true that is. After being away from my alcoholic for a few years and getting some "quality time" with myself, I had found that when I was feeling fustrated I would automatically think about how unfair the alcoholic had been, and here we hadn't been with each other for awhile. I finally had to accept that my fustrations we just that.... my fustrations, and they were mine to accept and work through. I have been with a new guy in my life and caught myself "reacting" to some of his fustrations with my son by returning the same type of sarcsam towards him that he was using on my son. Fortunately, he is also working an al-anon program and we were able to recognize what was happening. But the statement above reminds me to take a step back and when I feel the "need" to react, to stop and ask myself how am I feeling hurt, and do I want to do or say something to somebody else just because I'm not dealing with my hurt well.
It also reminds me that no matter how long I'm in this program there will always be areas in my life that I will need to work through and learn from.
Now I'll just have to use that to deal with a situation I'm having a difficult time accepting with my 17 year old daughter who is due to graduate from high school this year. She has been the best of kids for so long that to come face to face with an issue with her is quite unusual. She has a new boyfriend and after only a week of dating they have decided to get married next year. Now part of me knows that alot can change within a year and I shouldn't panic. But on the other hand her bf is at a stage in his life that he seems to be caught up in the death and dying goth crowd. They are complete opposites. Yet, I'm having to now after all these years, set boundaries for her that I've never had to do before. The first is that she isn't able to see him until I meet him. But even with that, I need to be careful that I'm not jumping ahead by judging him nor reacting because I'm feeling hurt and frightened for her before getting all the facts about this young man. I'm working at remembering that my soon to be 26 year old daughter is now married to her first bf and the first time I met him he had his hair in braids. Now he is in the Srgnt in the army and is taking quite good care of her and the boys.
Such are the joys of life! lol
Think I will use hurt people, hurt people as a topic at my f2f meeting tomorrow night.
You are so correct. When I am feeling hurt I lash out at other people whether they were part of why I am hurting or not. When I am angry, hurt or lonely I was to hurt others. I guess what they say is true, misery loves company. This is an area that I could definately work on.
Hi Cilla , easy does it girl and yes a yr is along time alot can happen in that time especially with a teenager. set your boundaries enforce them and keep them reasonable meeting him is a great one . Don't look too long at the dark clothes and makeup (are goths still doing that) underneath is a young man just wanting to express himself and be different. Our kids need rules they don''t like em but they need them none the less. and remember This too shall pass.
oh those teens and young adults. I knew lotsa goth kids when I worked in the high school. they were really nice kids sorta play acting.
You are so right to just look for his heart, not how he is on the outside. This age is trying all sorts of things to see what feels right.
I am so glad you have not squashed her dreams. What good does it do but hurt her? To say wow you really like this guy huh? I didn't ever react negatively to my students or my kids or their friends. This way they will always feel comfy in coming to you.
My mom never was critical or judgemental either. Probably why I am not, and probably why I seemed to raise everyone elses kids when they were teens...lol thank god they are all grown up now with kids and jobs. What is neat is all these kids and their kids and families go camping together and all sorts of stuff.
I get invited to. strange eh? You sound so great. I miss kids around. This time goes too dang fast.
thank you for writing. I know for me, if I am hurting I rest and be nice to myself and as soon as I can do something really nice, like hold my baby turkey, or sweep or wash the deck off. wow my really nice is weird huh?
well I look at my view and talk to hp, watch a movie. uno.
Cilla, I agree with You. So much can happen in a year. its hard letting go of the children. but they do grow up and they do go on to live their own lives. most you can do is just love her and let her know you are there for her if she ever needs you. Let Go and Let your HP take care of the rest. Your in my prayers.
Thanks all for the reminders that we so many times really need to take that step back in order not to react in an unreasonable way. It is so amazing how my fears can still make me feel as if I need to react in a way that makes a mountain out of a minimal problem.
We shall see how this goes.
Hopefully I will get a chance to meet him this weekend.
So much can happen in a year. its hard letting go of the children. but they do grow up and they do go on to live their own lives. most you can do is just 
love her and let her know you are there for her if she ever needs you. 
Let Go and Let your HP take care of the rest. 
Your in my prayers.