Passage from How Alanon Works page 411: "Over the years, I have spent much of my time trying to bend life and other people to my will, only to fail miserably. I have also tried to change myself, eliminate my character defects, and force myself to feel differently. Again I have always failed. So why did change happen so much more readily after I returned to the program? The most important difference I can see is that by the time I returned, I was willing to be helped. It was the same old lessonGod didnt need my instructions about how to heal me. My job was not to identify all of the changes that should be made so that God would know what to do. My job was to be willing to accept His will for me, willing to heal.

Im five years in recovery I believe in the power to change one day at time. But, when Im not actively participating in program, I fall off the wagon. My Stinking Thinking subtly pops back in and my years of progress, healing and evolution can be diminished in a blink of an eye.

See, living my life on my own accord has never worked for me. I know that I need to practice the 12-steps and surrender to a higher power to get better. Otherwise I become isolated, detached from reality and my emotions. Serenity is just not possible. 

When Im struggling, Ill contact a few closest friends who may have the slightest clue about the cunning, baffling disease of addiction. There is one friend in particular I know not to talk to about my personal traumas. However I wasnt in sound mind and she was around. She has a tendency of blaming me or accusing me of being so hard on myself. Trust me, my inner critic is worse than you can imagine. But when she blames me, I completely shut down and feel angry and resentful for opening up.

Program has helped me identify my negative thought patterns and regulate emotions. My ideas about situations drastically change. Only when I yield my power and attribute my personal gifts, do I begin to transform. I model my talents and efforts from inspiring people before me. When Im not learning from someone who is impacting me or the vision I have for my life, I turn inwards and isolate.  

Not many people understand what its like to navigate a world that can feel unsafe or invalidated in. I was brought up not to feel my feelings. In school, I was too nice, too sensitive, and maybe a pushover. I was often told Youre too sensitive. Youve got to toughen up.

Pick a card any card. Ive heard them all. Peoples words and actions, regardless of their self-awareness or lack thereof, impacted me deeply.

I still remember what it felt like 15 years ago when someone put gum on my seat. Someone called me fat. Someone called me annoying. I wasnt invited to class birthday parties. Kids can be SO cruel.

I figured the only way to beat was to be better than them so thats what I did. I tried to control every situation and manipulate every outcome. I didnt learn how to do things the healthy way.

Back to the future a passage if time, I recently shared a post It Begins with Me. The last few months, I wasnt able to accept my job loss. I was in denial, self-loathing, and blaming God for another misfortune. The cliché old habits die hard ring true. I was struggling with: 

1. Take accountability for other peoples actions. As a result, I was the one suffering. Nothing pains me more than to feel like I let someone down. Its those same people who have regularly implored me to say no more are the ones who have asked the most of me and have the highest expectations. When I said no or spoke up, my relationship were in jeopardy.

Its a damned if you do, damned if you dont word, sometimes. Nothing gives me more anxiety then this paradox.

2.  Denied my instincts. My central focus was trying to help everyone else instead of turning inward. I let their issues become mine and ultimately couldnt separate the two. It took all my energy, and I felt mentally and emotionally drained constantly. 

I am finally grounded in my own personal realities and goals and know that I need recovery for success.  

With a humble heart, thank you for reading my post. There are so many benefits to sharing, and feel grateful to be part of this group. 

-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:47:10 PM

-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:47:57 PM

-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:48:40 PM