The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So two days in a row. What struck me as I finally crawled out of my wallowing is that I think I am still sick, and I am definitely tired. So maybe that is why I've had two days of slipping right back to square 1. Tonight he wanted to see the boys (never me- yes it hurts, I am working on it) he comes over, plops down on the couch and watches his ipad. He's not drunk, he's not present, he's simply here. He wants to parent, but doesn't know how to deal with the kids bc he's never around enough and so when the toddler doesn't respond (BC HE"S A TODDLER) my A gets mad, he tries to enforce, he squares off with toddler and I am stuck in mud. Don't want to intervene but stuck. And finally my A will concede tells me to take him on up to bed bc "he doesn't listen to me anyways" and I am like "he doesn't listen to me either" (did I mention he's a toddler?!?!?!?!?) And there he sits, on his ipad. Disconnected. I literally hate it. I know I shouldn't care. So I go upstairs, detaching in the moment and close the door - not quite a slam- but hard enough. I am guilty, I'll own it. And that was enough, it was EXACTLY what he needed, he had his "out". Blame shifted right to me. So he packed up and left since I'm slamming doors, doesn't want me to call cops (why is this always his go-to excuse? It's so obnoxious). He was sitting there festering. I could tell the disease is mad, very angry, Since he's been sick I believe he's been dry for 4 days. But there I was, broken in tears when he left. The victim. Sigh.
On a positive note, I attended my first in-person meeting today. I was nervous and almost talked myself out of it a few times. I kept reminding myself it would be a welcoming family and support. So I went. It was an off day, small group, and I was thankful. Funny how the world works. I knew the one lady in the group. I know her qualifer. She knows mine. And we sat and talked for an hour after the meeting. The message today was hope. It was fitting.
Aloha Pumpkin welcome back to the board and thanks for the courage to share in behalf of your own recovery. You're in a tough place which is how this disease often treats us. It ignores us up to and only until it needs a victim to blame when it feels confused, upset and irresponsible. I won't judge you or him because that adds more weight and makes moving toward solutions much more impossible great you made it to the meeting...It is how we start to grow and grow and then get quiet and sane. He hasn't got what you now have attained but has the chance to go get it himself. We always have the opportunity for peace of mind and serenity...thank HP for the program.
Keep coming back sister we can work this out together. (((((hugs)))))
Good for you!!!! Sometimes the next right thing is easy and sometimes it feels like taking the grand canyon in one step .. You did it!!!!! Keep coming back. Hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Pumkin - congrats. on finding your courage and going to your first meeting! Thank you for sharing that hope was the topic and it seems HP does know what he's doing! Just keep focusing on you as best you can and take it one day at a time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
