The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page considers forgiveness...One member admitted seeing it before AlAnon as power, as a judgement passed down from a position of authority, a false display of grace intended to emphasize the other's wrong; publicly forgiving but never forgetting.
A healthy perspective with the help of AlAnon brought the realization that true forgiveness is not about power over another, for we have no such power to judge...that is for a higher power. We are merely someone who also has good and bad days, commits both good and bad deeds ourselves.
Usurping a position of judgement puts our focus on others and fills the mind with negative thoughts; we are the ones who suffer. Healthy forgiveness is not a statement about the other person or the deed, it is about freeing ourselves from the burden of negativity.
Reminder: I will never know all of the 'whys' behind others' behavior, but I know that a held grievance always fills me with negativity...today, I will find something more healthy, positive with which to fill myself.
"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him." - Booker T. Washington
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I find this page incredibly powerful...the thought that my forgiveness is not something I withhold from others until I feel they are worthy of it, or have jumped through enough hoops... I hold no more power or authority than anyone else, and judging is high above my pay grade.
All I am qualified to do is let go of whatever I think splashed on me and keep moving forward. Why would I want to carry the unpleasantness around with me, just so I can pull it out and wave it around? I am so grateful for the AlAnon perspective that encourages me to stay humble, stay positive, and keep the focus on me
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hello Paul Great topic . Working the Steps, especially 4 through 10 helped me to finally accept the fact that holding on to anger, resentment, and self pity only hurts me. I have no right to withhold "forgiveness" from others because, as alanon points out, I have no right to judge others.
Being willing to forgive others , allowing them to be human , and make mistakes also allowed me to stop judging myself so harshly and so to forgive myself as well. Grret program tool.
Thanks for your service
Hello Paul and Betty. It never ceases to amaze me how the topic I need to work on the most always appears. My AS has said some pretty ugly things to me in the past year and one day I lashed back. I told him that I was totally done with his behavior, that I was making myself sick worrying and that he can call me when he can talk respectfully to me. I know I have just been affected by the disease and wonder now if harboring this hurt is not being disrespectful to him too. It never occurred to me that I have been sprayed by someone else's mess and that I can just go change my clothes and move forward. Hard step for me as I seem to take everything personally, your ESH really helps put things in perspective. Thank You!
Thanks Paul for the daily and your service. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. This is a great page for me today as I have a bit of anxiety...
Today is birthday number 23 for my baby...(makes me feel a bit old - it is what it is). I reached out see to see if he wanted to share a meal and offered to dine out or dine in. He opted for a mamma cooked meal, so we will collect him later to celebrate his birthday.
I have not seen him in a long while. He has been fired from his job and is soon to be homeless unless he takes action and gets another job. I am powerless over all of this.
I have worked hard to forgive all that he's done, said, etc. Yet, I still worry and have decided that it's just what parents do - we worry ... even when things are going well!! I'm excited to see him and share a meal with him, yet I am also dreading it. So - for me, just for today, I am staying in the moment...
I have my meeting at noon and then will be going to the grocery store. Then, some cooking in anticipation of the evening. Only God knows the outcome and I'm very grateful for my recovery, our tools, all of you and that his birthday falls on a meeting day!!
(((Hugs to all)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Today's message really hits home with me, too. I am at least aware that I am being judgmental and am forgiving as some sort of gift for that person....when forgiveness is supposed to be for my own serenity.
I love this: "All I am qualified to do is let go of whatever I think splashed on me and keep moving forward. Why would I want to carry the unpleasantness around with me, just so I can pull it out and wave it around?" I am a visual person, so this was very powerful for me to read. Thank you, Enigmatic!
IAH: I hope your son's birthday dinner goes well! You are right, God only knows the outcome. My thoughts are with you today!
Getting lake effect snow on top of the Nor'easter that started Monday night......about 20 inches and counting. Hunkering down today with Al-anon lit, a good old fashioned library book, some needlepoint and will pull up a good movie. Oh yeah, need to shovel.....
Thanks all, for sharing on this topic...it's a big one.
I agree, Betty, working the steps really brings this home, especially with the emphasis on forgiving ourselves. I tended to be as harsh on myself as on others, AlAnon is helping me in both areas.
Stan, that's a tough one, I've not had to deal with a son. Sounds like you are working your program, that always helps with a healthy perspective...hang in there!
IAH, I feel for you, too; great example of working your program to get through all of the things that have happened and be able to keep most of your serenity...no matter how it turns out, you had a good meeting with group friends today, and it's getting warmer, so you won't have to scrape ice off the pitcher's mound next week
Hang in there El, sounds like you've done this before
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
The quotes a good one too, isn't it? That's the perfect explanation for the icky feeling I have when I continue to hold someone in my own judgement instead of letting it go. Understanding that real forgiveness was to free myself and not the other person was an eye opener. (I can't release someone else from their own guilt or lack of it, only they can do that anyway).
Good reminder, and timely for me as always
