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Last weekend my AH went with his sponsor and others to a convention. I asked him how it was? Said it was great, learned a lot, but now all he talks about is how our marriage maunt not last!! WTF! Anyone else have a partner in recovery and the marriage has lasted? We have been married for 17 years. I'm in this for the long haul!
I have known many to have a great marriage while one or the other and sometimes both have been in recovery. Some however do not work. It, like everything else, is based on your situation only. I have been to AA meetings where they warn about making relationship changes in the first year, and also mention that sometimes the spouse will have difficulty adjusting to the recovering alcoholic. I have also heard that more often it is the nonalcoholic spouse that actually ends things during the recovery process.
I know that my partner who is in recovery has fears that I will leave her even though she is currently clean and sober. I suspect that as she works the steps and dives deeper into her moral inventory that those fears will shrink and grow with her thoughts. All I can do is listen to her and forgive the past and pray for a better future. She is beginning to see that I am here for the clean and sober her, that other her need not show up anymore.
Hi Shorty, my husband successfully managed recovery after being in over 10 detoxes in less than three years. The marriage held together simply because I attended Al-Anon while he attended AA and although I had much anger, resentment, self-pity and fear, I was willing to keep practicing the program to see if the marriage could hold, it did.
He remained sober in AA until he passed from cancer six years later and I was very grateful we had time to share together.
Hello Shorty,
My ex-alcoholic boyfriend was always telling me things like how his doctors or friends told him I was bad for him ect. I am in recovery and have attended AA meetings and while it is a program that teaches you to put your sobriety first, many people do stay in relationships. They do not encourage new relationships. I do not know why some people let their program go to their head. In my experience with my ex-bf he was like that about other things too. It was his personality not really the program.
Sounds like the alkies had their own meetings while at the convention and didn't invite significant others. They didn't invite you to the convention or the discussions so he and they are missing some very important information and feedback. My former alcoholic/addict wife and her sponsor would also discuss my side of the drinking not all of which was seriously bad however it drove a wedge between me and my recovery for a while and drove a wedge into our marriage. Its not a HP recommended principle I believe. ((((hugs))))
Shorty - I would agree with what you concluded - One Day at a Time.....There are so many things that could have been said to your AH that would result in this type of statement that it's an incomplete statement in my processing. What I know is my qualifiers who are not in recovery but all have been exposed to it want to continuously put blame beyond themselves for just about anything and everything. It took me a long time in recovery to learn that I did not ever have to pick up what they were trying to hand off. I can refuse to accept 'it' and if I slip, and begin to pick 'it' up, I can kindly return 'it' at any time.
Also, mine tend to process out-loud and if I ask later for clarification, they don't always even remember what they said or what they intended. I've come to stay quiet and listen and clarify only if it affects me directly in that moment.
I have stayed in my marriage and stayed in contact with my qualifiers in spite of the disease. It's only been possible because of the program, the steps, boundaries, detachment and a great sponsor. I still at times feel as if my qualifiers say many things just for 'shock value' or to 'test the manipulation stream' and the less I react the less it happens.
One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, practicing this program as best I can saves my sanity!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
