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Its been a very long time since I was here and I am hitting my bottom so here I am.
For about 2 1/2 months now I have been doing weight watchers and focusing much of my energy on that, I was feeling good and loosing weight but that old anger and resents are still there waiting, every time I look at my a I want to scream.
I threw him out a couple weeks ago, found out he was in a bar and the woman he had an affair with was there too, she was with her new boyfriend, but none of that stopped her from chasing him before, so I lost it and threw him out, that and the fact that he is out of control.
He was gone for a total of 3 days, stupid me took him back in, I prayed a lot while he was gone for miricles and I really though I had gotten one and maybe I did but my anger with him is still there, nothing he does impressing me and I cringe every time he touches me. What a marriage huh?
Makes me want to cry constantly, I thought I was on the right path but here I am again feeling on edge, confused and never knowing whether to throw him out or get over my anger and embrass him.
I wish someone could tell me what to do and that my life was headed in a direction away from all this heart ache. I don't even know whether I love my husband or if I just don't know anything different so my fear is telling me I do.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. My "a" and I were recently separated for six weeks and he began seeing another woman during this time. He has since broken off the relationship, but the fear and mistrust is still fresh within me. I continue to ask my HP to rebuke this woman from our lives and convict my husband's heart and mind about the infidelity and bring him closer to the family. Things have been much calmer this last week than they have been in years. Even with the peace I hold on to the worry. It's normal. Our therapist basically told me that I would have moments of fear and sadness for a while. Your husband's choices are his own. You can't control what he's going to do. Ask yourself what you need to do to be o.k. What are you willing to live with? If he is unable to make a committment to you, ask yourself how long you are willing to wait for him to get it.
Before my a returned home we went over the "Deal Breakers", the number one deal breaker was having another affair or him going back to this other person. I have been able to forgive but not forget, which I don't have to forget. I would not be able to tolerate another affair, or him enviting this person back into his life for any reason. You are the only one that can make those decisions on what you are willing to do and not do. Rely on your HP to show you the answers, they will come. Meanwhile stand strong and faithful to you and your recovery.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I know you are right, I think thats why I feel so lost, I don't have deal breakers set forth, I mean I've said them enough, not drug or alcohol in the house, no affairs, problem is I don't seem to be able to put that message accrossed and really make him believe.
I think though that I really need to set down what I can live with and what consequences will be, ie him moving out ect.
I think you may have hit a big point there about your boundaries and then the consequences. My a knows what I don't want, but we have never set up any consequences for if he does what I don't want him to do. So far the fear of me leaving has kept him from doing what I would deem completely unacceptable (now I did find out he has gotten high at home, but he has been lucky enough that I never caught him) I say lucky enough--even though he is afraid that I will leave I'm not sure I could do it. Honestly without me he would have a hard time--he would have nothing, not even a vehicle because I am paying for his truck, it's in my name--but that would require me being very strong and just telling him nope you can't take the truck with you tough cookies!!!! (this is totally out of character for me, but may be what I need to do)
I've said all this, well because I tend to ramble!!! But I do think that maybe your lack of consequences for the boundaries may have you angry and worried--along with all of your pain from what has happened so far in your relationship.
Good luck to you!!! Hang in there. I hope you find some peace and a way to work things out to where you will feel comfortable.
I totally know what you mean about it being out of character, for me I grew up believing that a good wife takes care of her husband and kids, and he takes care of me. Slap. Live isn't like that I spent the last 10 years wanting to fix his problems and make his dreams come true, guess what he never cared if I got what i wanted or needed. But to now turn around and say I can do without you and step up to the plate when he crosses the line, I'm just not sure I can do it.
This is why it is sometimes best to start with baby steps. We may not have the strength to throw him out, or to leave, but we do have the strength for smaller things, like leaving the room when he starts to verbally abuse us. Everytime you keep to a boundary, it makes you stronger, and more able to take care of yourself. Start with something you know you will be able to keep to, even if it is as small as "I won't wait supper for you, but will eat when it's ready". Every time you do what is best for you, rather than worry about its affect on him, you will get a little bit better at it.
I found that I couldn't let go of the anger and resentment I felt toward my husband as long as I was focusing on him, the feelings and trying so hard. I had to step back and look at myself and figure out why I was so angry. I was angry that my husband didn't live up to my expectations. That was MY problem...they were MY expectations. I had to remind myself that if God can love him, why can't I. If he is worthy of love from God than who am I to deny love and compassion? It's very hard though and I sympethize with you. Once I learned more about the disease and read the books I bought from this site I learned more. Knowledge gave me the power to forgive him, myself and the anger drained away.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. I can relate to some of your post. Congratulations on joining weight watchers and trying to lose weight. 2 years ago I lost 50 pounds and have kept it off, it's hard work and well worth it. I am having trouble letting go of anger, I have the right to feel it but it is not good for me anymore. Everytime something big or small gets it boiling again I feel like I am moving backwards. I too cringe at times when my husband touches me, once I even jumped a foot in the air and started crying on the spot couldn't stop either. I don't have any answers, just try to be patient with yourself and take care.
My A is not allowed back in my house right now and I'm still getting angry at her. It's not a matter for me of all A back in house and be angry, or keep A out. It's a matter of trying to process and rid myself of the anger and resentments.
And not because it's better for the A for me not to have them but because it's better for me. I'm still harboring all that old crap and it just has me acting in ways I don't want to act anymore. Well at least sometimes. Sometimes the old habits are comfortable and the new ones umcomfortable.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Holly, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain and confusion right now and feel you have hit your bottom. For me, when I was that low the only way left to go was up. I can identify with your anger towards your A and questioning the quality/validity of your marriage. One night I was laying with my A on the sofa, all seemed well. He didn't say or do anything and suddenly I had an overwhelming impulse to kick him in the head! Fortunately, I did not act out. I was not usually prone to such thoughts of violence. The next day I went to my doctor to ask about anger-management as I had scared myself. Amazingly my GP told me this was quite normal! I was astounded as he didn't know I was living with alcoholism as I myself didn't know it at the time.
I continued to struggle with my anger/resentment/pain/confusion/despair alone. Eventually, I recognised that my husband had a drinking problem, it ran its course and took its toll and we separated in Aug 1999. I realised I had been and was still very much affected by his alcoholism. I heard about Al-anon in Oct 2000. You didn't say whether you're in recovery yourself but i would strongly recommend it. It is not a 'cure-all' but it gave me hope and a new life.
I found a local face to face meeting, attended regularly and read everything I could. I needed to understand his disease and its effects on me. With the help and support of the people in those rooms I was able to understand my feelings and learnt to deal with them more appropriately. Nobody in Al-anon can give you specific advice about your situation, we can only share our experience, strength and hope and say how we used the tools of the program to improve our lives. All I can say is that for me, I worked the program to the best of my ability and in time things became so much better. I had to change and apply the program to myself and my life so I could be happy whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not.
For me it was a long, slow journey but worth all the effort. I am not the most patient of people and wanted answers and wanted 'things' fixed. I got what I needed in God's time not mine. Today my husband is 2yrs 6months sober and clean, we're both in recovery and are reconciled.
I really don't know if this helps but I'm trying to say you're not alone and give you some hope as things can and do get better if you work on yourself. The support of the people at meetings and here online will help you work out what's right for you and give you the strength to see it through. There are many readings on anger in the One Day At A Time and Courage To Change daily readers. You can buy them online here if you don't already have copies.
I really do wish you well and hope you'll keep coming back.
I really needed that support, I do feel better today for the moment anyway, I guess I didn't make it clear that I have been trying to work this program since 2004 when my husband did a short stay at a treatment center and I decided it wasn't fair that he got all the attention and I got none. So I went online and found those meetings, I have 2 kids and find it hard to get to a meeting since my a is so unreliable. He will watch our kids but it isn't quality when he passes out in his chair and doesn't know what it going on around him. So I worked the program hard, bought as many books as I could read a lot and really felt like I was on my way but things didn't change and I think that deep down I was only doing it to change him.
Now I know that I need to change me and not focus on him, but I can't figure out how to stop focusing on him, I've had therapy and al-anon but don't feel any progress. So yes I want to start over and try to focus on me, I may not make it to this board a lot but I do want to start working on finding an Al-anon meeting that I can really feel comfortable at and find a sponsor or friends and I want to get back into counseling but its hard for me because many of the Al-anon people at the meetings I attend are older than me or not people I can relate or don't feel comfortable spilling my guts to or calling up on a hard day. Maybe that is just me but its been hard.
Thanks for being here and I hope to keep coming back,
