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So it has been a rough week. I wasn't able to attend online meetings or even attend the one in person meeting (my first one) last week bc I caught the flu. Awful. Anyways my active A was out of town for work and I heard from him off and on Friday, but Friday evening- nothing. All day Saturday- nothing (I didn't attempt to call or text either, but I am the one home with the kids busy living my life). His pattern is--- when I don't hear from him he is binging--- so today rolls around and immediately I feel the anxiety. Not bc I necessarily care what he is doing, when he will be back in town etc. but I am more concerned bc he promised all week to do something special with the boys, Sunday is "daddy's day" (last week he followed thru). Knowing I hadn't heard from him I felt that today he would not follow thru, and I was anticipating it. It's hard right, not to be concerned with what he's doing when the boys are asking all day when is he coming, right? So finally around noon I try and call, no answer, but he texts me to say he is soooooo sick, has a fever, can't feel his legs, can't drive home, going to urgent care. I waver between sympathy and skepticism. I simply said sorry to hear that, but how about he tlk to the boys and explain he's sick- they will be disappointed, but it would be better coming from him and they understand people get sick. His response, no I'm coming home I can't let them down. So of course I say, hold on if you are THAT sick I don't think you need to be anywhere near them (fever of 103, do you blame me?) but he is adamant. Whatever, calls and says he's on the way, urgent care gave him fluids and said he had a fever. Says he'll see us at 3. Sounded sober enough so ok, fine. 4 oclock rolls around (shocker, I know!) and he texts me to say he is almost here but late bc he had to stop and get gas? (not born yesterday, but ok- I didn't even respond). So 530 hits and he calls, asks if I want him to pick me up something to eat? No I am making dinner. (btw whenever he is getting something to eat, it means he is drinking, so right away I know the deal). The evening progresses and I give the kids a bath, the oldest gets upset while getting pjs on, I asked whats wrong? He says "We didn't get to do anything special today" crocodile tears, breaks my heart. I was at a loss. I am very protective of their relationship with their father (meaning I don't bad talk him, I can only protect them from so much, he is starting to see the pattern, its hard, right?). So I hug him tightly and just said, I am sorry, sometimes things happen, I love you. He asks to text his dad, I hand him the phone (he is 6) and he says (i'm paraphrasing) "why didn't you take me and brother some where special? Im sad" powerful, right? My A responds "I am so sick, have a fever, I'll see you soon, I love you."... child isn't sure, wants to send a text and says "im still sad, i love you".
And in walks A. Drunk. Really drunk. I go about what I am doing and he tries to talk to the eldest who doesn't want to hear anything he is saying (most of which is gibberish nonsense). So he comes upstairs, I ask what my A's plan for the night was (he isn't supposed to be here drunk, but I can't control him- right?) So he says do you want me to leave? I didn't say that, you're drunk tho and I am going upstairs.
I said, I am not engaging in a conversation with you right now. Why not? Bc you're drunk. He proceeds to tell me he saw a marriage counselor and wants to stay with me (I didn't know he was leaving, at no point was I ending our relationship). I said well we need you to be sober, but only you can control that. Then he says he loves me, I am a great mother, he loves his family, etc. and I simply said, I love you but I hate the disease. He said that's fair. And he said I really do love you. And I said, tell me when you are sober. I don't want to hear ANY of this when he is drunk bc it is MEANINGLESS. but I stayed calm. Then the alcohol roared and he said, oh you don't love me? right away I said, I am walking away- I am not going to engage in this type of conversation. He wanted me to hang out to joke around- I said we can do that tomorrow when you are sober bc the conversation always turns nasty. I walked away, he tried to say something but I continued on my way.
I was able to get thru that, without crying- no tears- no me hating myself. bc that is usually how those conversations turn. I am thankful for the tiny bit of work I have done here. I definitely spun and felt myself in old thinking habits most of the day, but I am proud that I was able to say a few things and then not engage with alcohol.
Pumpkin,
You seem to be working the program well. I know how hard it can be, I remember the days of failed promises and losing to the disease. Staying calm and walking away rather than engaging in a conversation that will undoubtedly turn bad is very hard, but very noble. Keep up the good work and keep coming back to those who understand from experience. Al-anon is always here for you and will help you build a tool box to aid in your recovery and coping skills!
It's hard to stick to it but remember that we are in 'progress not perfection' mode most of the time so it's ok to take a step back. You are moving forward and that's what matters. Hugs to you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Great advice Andromeda, sometimes if I weren't stepping backward I would feel as if I weren't moving at all. I often lean on "Progress not Perfection" to stop me from falling on my face. Mostly I lean on Al-anon, my HP, and the good people here to show me how to move forward again!
The steps backward are often most noticeable, but as I stand here now looking back, I have come a long way. Looking forward I have a long way to go, but I see others ahead of me, so I know it is possible and likely that I will continue forward. I just may need you all to reach your hand back to pull me a little.
(((Pumkin))) to not have engaged into a conversation that could have turned nasty, would have been a huge step forward for me. Saying calmly what could be said and leaving the rest, can't change what they do only our own reactions part of this journey.
((Hugs)) for better days to come.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
(((Pumkin))) - I am so sorry that you're sick and my hopes for you ... you are on the mend. Great use of the program tools and it's a new day. Be gentle with you, be grateful for the program and progress and keep doing what you are doing! Sending you healing prayers and tons of (((hugs))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all!!! It is definitely a process. I am thankful for all of your support.
I had another small breakthru last night after I posted this original post. He came up and asked me if I wanted him to leave. I calmly said that is not a fair question to ask. That if I say yes then "she made me leave!" He said what do you want, I honestly want to know... I said what I WANT is for you to be sober, but that is out of my control. I said you made choices tonight. I really have nothing else to say. I was nice, I was respectful, but I took the ownness off of me. He eventually left.
What hit me today is I am starting to see how I can be empathetic of the person, not the disease. So he texted to say he is so sick, fever, etc (flu still). I called him to check and asked about how he was feeling and was empathized. I wasn't resentful of him drinking last night, I didn't even mention it. I address his being ill, asked if he needed me to get him soup. And said I would check in with him later. I hung up the phone, and felt at peace. Bc I wasn't resentful and angry and focused on his alcoholism I could treat him as someone I care about that is sick.
I am loving the phrase of progress not perfection. I am a perfectionist by nature, but this phrase makes me feel like I don't have to be perfect, it gives me room to breath and to work thru this with my ups and downs.
