The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just a quick reminder to myself as per the subject line.
Choosing a marriage to an alcoholic kept me safe from dealing with life. Turns out life is inevitable and must eventually be confronted. However this time around, as i face life again, as life intends, i give myself permission to be excused from perfection. I will not always be right, that's ok!, I may make mistakes of the minor variety, and thats ok too. I will encounter wonderful people for possibly brief moments and remind myself that sometimes to say hello i must first say goodbye, that's ok.
I will possibly encounter people who frustrate me intellectually, i will not sacrifice my serenity nor my dignity to verbal savagery. Because we're all human and ultimately meet the same fate, prior to which, old age, should we blessed to receive it, renders us all equal, like it or not.
I will remind self of this impending equality should i feel insecure in the coming days And tempted to gain temporary control with force unleashed too heavily. For long term control rests in the hands of no mortal.
Yep. All is well.
Great reminder A41. When I reflected on my choices in the past I too discovered that I had chosen an alcoholic for a partner so that I could "hide behind him " and not have to really be responsible for my life.
HP had other plans and thanks to this program I uncovered the assets and tools hidden within, to live my life with courage, serenity and dignity. I found that I did not have to aim for perfection just "acceptance of life on life's terms ."
I love your last sentence that indicates:" control rests in the hands of no mortal. Thank you for being here and sharing the journey.
What an interesting share! It made me think about why all my love relationships were to addicted folks. First I think this has happened because the abuse I suffered in childhood set me up for all the ACOA stuff, but in my case, I'm an adult child of anger. So by picking addicted, self-centered, abusive partners, I continued to live a life where I didn't matter, I was a door mat, and I had a self I really hated. Now with almost 4 years in program, the haze is lifting! I see a person I can love and respect, ME! It is a miracle and a blessing. I thank everyone here who has helped me along my way, Lyne :)
Great topic and great share! Lyne - I also really can relate to what you've written.....My parents who did the best they could with what they had at the time are both ACoA - untreated. The FOO interactions did form for me a pattern of behavior that I carried smack dab into this disease, which first gave me 'comfort' in altering my state of being and then later gave me 'comfort' in trying to fix, change, control the disease is others.
I love all my family and qualifiers but I can say I still despise the affects this disease has on all affected. For me personally, I have gratitude that it brought me to recovery and a way better version of me yet I still don't ever wish it upon anyone.
I believe it takes a special kind of person to seek and grow and change in recovery. Recovery from this disease no matter what part of it affected one is as tough as having it. I too feel grateful and blessed that we have each other to share with and grow with and change with.
(((Hugs))) to all - one step, one day at a time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me, this marriage was akin to breaking a leg to take my mind off the pain of a broken arm. None of it was conscious. Alanon has returned my mind to consciousness. I still have the urge to run away from that consciousness hence the title of this post! Don't have to follow that urge. Can confront it at its source.
I so appreciate your post as a reminder of how it worked for me too... Alanon was so useful in shining the light of understanding.... helping me take responsibility and own my choices and habits and tendencies and failures... realizing that God had always given me free choice. The pain and suffering only became useful for driving me toward a happiness much more reliable and secure.
I, myself, had fallen into a period of self-loathing at the discoveries you refer to.... I realized through my inventory that I had chosen him despite the suffering already present in the relationship, I continued to plan a wedding, seeing only what I wanted to see... in a state of denial. How could I do this? How could I not know any better?!!!!!!!
But al-anon helped me to first forgive myself with self understanding.... I did what I did because it was the best I could do... only knowing what I knew at that time. I forgive myself. I did my best. I always have done my best.
No longer a victim, I can now extend this light to others, finally understanding what they had always told me in al-anon.... that even the alcoholic laying in the gutter is doing his very best. "Welcome to the human race," they told me.
Today I understand "character defects" ... although I much prefer "behavior patterns"... as something we humans do to take care of and protect themselves. We cannot see the light until we do. We cannot wake up until we do. We were sleepwalking and sometimes still fall back in it because we were made human as God intended, not gods. God loves us just the same. As you write very beautifully, "all is well."
Thank you for sharing your journey here. May you continue to know the power that is within you.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 13th of March 2017 02:22:24 PM
Thanks serenity. Your own journey has inspired me, knowing that yep, it has been done, therefore it Can be done. 2hp, i always enjoy your outlook. So thanks to you too.
Welcome to the human race....yes.
