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I would be grateful if some of you would share a very potted version of your journeys with me please. I am new to this and whilst I fully appreciate every journey is different, I would just like to have some idea of what I might expect. We are new to this - just realised at Christmas husband is alcoholic and I am now just on my 4th Al Anon meeting. So far, I have said he is not to be drunk in the house or in front of children and am working on detachment at the start of my own journey. He is going to a few AA meetings, but not ready to stop drinking - he has cut down, but it is still impacting our life. We have 4 children so I can't / won't tolerate a long drawn out process for their sakes, nor mine. Unless things change I feel internally that as I grow stronger I will get out rapidly. He is not an aggressive drunk - he sleeps, but it means he is not there emotionally for the children; they are seeing a poor role model (both him and my tolerance for allowing it to go on) and I have to be there all the time for them as I can't guarantee he won't fall asleep and not look after them. I feel resentful rather than grateful that he has cut down his drinking, because it is still impacting but he doesn't see the need to stop drinking completely. I am asking myself do I have to wait for him to reach his personal rock bottom before there is any possibility of a real change. I don't feel I have the time or patience to wait for that. If I was on my own it might be different, but from my heart the children are the priority. Thanks for listening.
Its a horrible situation and it was my life for almost 20 years with 3 children. Its not an easy road to walk. I left him and then eventually ended our relationship after 1 year in Alanon. Alanon gave me reality basically. I was able to change the only thing I can and thats me. We have no power over anyone elses drinking or behaviour or choices or thought processes or availability any of it but we have power to work on our own attitudes and to begin to see our part in our own lives. Our lives do not have to depend on anyone else but us, we are the only ones with the power to change it.
I also started my journey learning about detachment with love and I practiced it over and over, getting it wrong and then a wee bit right. Then my journey moved into the acceptance of alcoholism as a disease and this was a powerful awareness because it freed me from much of the self pity and resentment and anger I felt towards the drinker. It was replaced amazingly with compassion and forgiveness and understanding and these are much better for me to live with.
it's all a process. Just keep showing up. I came back in to alanon 3(?) years ago. i was a wreck And a stubborn one. Its taken all this time to face my greatest fear, and let go completely. In between i submitted to every variation in between holding on and letting go. We seperated, we did seperate states for a year, i had a legal order i had to get asaulted first to get, which made it illegal to come home within 12 hours of consuming any alcohol or drugs. Now here i am, technically homeless with 3 kids but completely surrendered the battle which is marriage to active addiction. I don't know it could have gone any other way. keep showing up especially when you don't feel like it, and save some money if possible. Might need it or might go on holiday! Most of all, be loving and gentle and kind and uplifting to you and yourself and you again. Its not easy to do marriage and kids to an alcoholic, not easy by a long stretch. ((((bettertomorrow)))
Hi, You have received great responses . I would like to suggest that you review the "Sticky " at he top of the Message Board entitled "The Promises of Alanon".
This post clearly outlines how alanon works and what we can expect if we work the program Here is the link
Hi BT! This is a family disease. You appear to be heading in a positive direction- Alanon, caring for you and your children, leading by example, boundaries, detachment and hoping for the best and planning for the worst. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. From my experience, cutting down is like putting a Band-Aid on a gash that needs stiches. Eventually the Band-Aid will give way and the flow continues. The cunning, baffling and powerful part of this disease is it takes a lot of pain(bottom) to want to change. The Alcoholic is usually the last person to see the damage it causes them and the people around them.
What I did was attend meetings, work through the 12-steps, bring my questions to a Sponsor and let a HP(God) change and direct me. It took some time but things became much clearer. The interesting things in my case was nothing changed around me(people, places, things), but I changed. My attitude and outlook on life. In my situation we split and I don't regret that decision. I'm better off and so are my children. The thing I learned from my Sponsor that was very beneficial was the 60-40 rule on decision making. I was always looking for 100% or a guarantee and learned there are no guarantees in life. But, once I was 60% sure of my decision- working with my Sponsor and God- I made my decision and put my faith and trust in God and The Program. God over time revealed that I was on his path for me. Little examples that reinforced my decision.
Sorry in advance for the long post.
I think it depends on how far along your husband is in his disease. Here is my story.... I grew up in the disease so I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. For me it was so common to be around partying so it took me a very long time to realize my husband had a problem and couldn't stop. We surrounded ourselves with pretty big drinkers so it was kind of the norm. I was also in complete denial for many years and it is easy to be in denial when you have little kids and you can focus your attention elsewhere. It wasn't until a few years ago when I could see that his hands were shaking in the morning when he was drinking a cup of coffee. He also was a bear in the morning so I hated to commute into work with him. It got really bad one winter and he started to make up excuses to get out of the house and do "errands" but it would take over an hour or so just to go to a store where I could go in 10 minutes. He would come home smelling of booze but I could never determine if it was from what he drank the night before. Then he started to really drink in the mornings (and the straw that broke the camels back was when we had a playdate with some friends and we were having them over for brunch. He had been drinking in the morning while doing "errands" and he had one bloody mary with them and was hammered. I got through the play date and the $hit hit the fan after they left. We got into a huge fight in front of the kids where he proceeded to punch the closet and break the door and then passed out in our bed. That day, though it was the worst, was probably the best day that could have happened to me. I finally couldn't deny that he had a problem and broke my silence and told his really good friend who we ended up going to stay with for the night. He woke up, saw the broken door and had to face his consequences. This is a man that has never been verbally or physically abusive to me so he was so ashamed of his actions. It didn't get immediately better but we were on the right track. He started to go to AA and did the same thing as your husband with the "I can control it" route. After his first AA meeting he came back with all this judgment saying....I am not as bad as these people and I can drink beer just not the hard stuff. At the time I was so disappointed and told him that I didn't think it was a good idea. He literally pleaded with me saying "don't take away my beer". As you can imagine it didn't take long for the disease to take over and for him to start secretly drinking hard alcohol again. That led to the second incident where he "overslept while taking a nap" one day when working from home and forgot to pick me up at the train. My babysitter told me that they had been trying to get him up by knocking on the locked door for an hour. My oldest son (5 at the time) wanted to call the police/fire department. I had made the boundary that if he was drunk at the house he had to leave the house. I was finally so fed up with the situation that I asked him to leave. He again threw a fit, left and proceeded to use that as an excuse to get blitzed. Stayed at one hotel in our town and then moved to another one the other day and called into work sick. I finally got a call from him saying that if he had a gun it would be all over. Thank god I was going to Al-Anon at the time and could make a program call to a friend. He talked sense into me and said that if anyone made a suicidal threat like this and was under the influence that I had to take it seriously. I tracked down the hotel he was staying in and called the police to do a wellness check on him. They brought him in for overnight observation. Again this all sounds so crazy to me now but it was another situation that he was forced to deal with the consequences of once he sobered up. Then he really started to go to AA meetings but was still struggling with sobriety. The final straw was when he started a new job (his dream job) and he started to drink again. He called in sick the third or fourth week of work. I got home and he comes stumbling into the house (he had been driving around...thank god no one was hurt) and passed out. The next day he called in again and I had to go to a friends parents funeral. I called a friend of his families that had been in AA for over 25 years. He had known what was going on and hopped right in the car to come and talk to him while I was away at the funeral. My husband was shocked when he showed up at my door. He spent the entire day talking to my husband and telling him his story which entailed losing his family over the disease. It was that day that my husband finally got "sick of being sick" (his words) and got sober. He did try and get sober on his own but ended up detoxing for a few days in the hospital. The hospital stay was another blessing from god as he was able to provide his employer with a note that showed he was admitted to the hospital so they didn't really ask about him missing days when he had just started the job.
It wasn't an easy road but his disease really got bad pretty quickly. It wasn't until I got out of the way of the disease and let him deal with the full consequences that he fully realize how big of a drinking problem he had. He will be sober for two years in June and I couldnt be more proud of him.
You are smart to worry about the effects of the disease on the kids. As I mentioned, my father was an alcoholic and my mother dealt with it for so many year (throughout my adolescence until we were in high school and gave him an ultimatum). It has greatly affected both myself and my brother (probably more so my brother). My kids were my main concern and if my husband hadnt sobered up I would have walked. He knew I was close to walking away and thankfully made the positive change for both himself and his family.
Sending prayers and positive thoughts to your family.
Most of my story is in my profile - you can find it by clicking thru my username. Keep doing what you are doing and the answers will come! The program works when we work it - and there is always hope and help!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
