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OK .. so I already know I don't feel good and engaging the ligress is the whole ohhhh today is not the day my friend. Let's just overly qualify and say not this week .. LOL!
I'm having a difficult time with expectation and change .. LOL .. this is going to sound so funny this is literally how my brain works. So with my BF a few weeks back and he had said oh we are going to ABC and we stopped at XYZ with no warning .. I know this is going to sound soooo stupid .. it completely threw me off my game. I literally had to take moments to readjust my thinking and he looked at me funny at one point and asked if I was angry. I had to explain I promise this is so not about you .. I don't do changing plans well with no warning .. I am not the person to throw a surprise party for .. LOL .. if someone is trying to distract me by deviating plans I promise you there will be a fight before I get to the party .. LOL .. it's a gentle art and if you don't know it .. don't do it .. LOL! Seriously. I was fine it took me a good 30 min to readjust my thought process and rationalize what happened.
This week because I have already been sick since Monday and probably before I have not felt 100% for a few days before that .. I think I'm running a fever again from coming into work too soon .. I just need to get through tomorrow and I can sleep for 48 hours. Anyway I totally digress .. so Monday I left work early and collapsed on my bed. I completely forgot about my daughter's ortho appointment .. parenting fail 1000000x I have lost count .. LOL .. it is what it is at this point .. LOL. So I am in a mad dash yesterday as I woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday night after being so ill remembering that appointment .. doesn't sound like a big deal except it's spacers and the orth dr is only in once a month to that office .. so it would mean she would have to wait for another 30 days .. that can't happen they are doing all kinds of things on Saturday I'm just hoping there is enough time for her teeth to move. I know the poor thing is in pain. So I make arrangements to get her and due to financial struggles my phone is off at the moment and will be until I get everything straightened out, so no way to reach her. I thought I had solved that issue as I am madly dashing around her school campus .. after leaving work early to take care of this (again after being gone for 1 1/2 days) she's no where to be found. I am so not pleased at that point. I did well .. she got in the car I ranted she let me I was actually very gentle compared to the situation .. child let her electronic device I thought I had notified die .. UGH UGH UGH .. sooooo .. we don't make the appointment. Reschedule for today.
Fast forward to today .. blow out fight .. this is the first fight (like we have had disagreements, discussions .. this was an actual fight where I was like WTH and NOOOOO not happening heels dug in and so on) in 6 months with my BF .. there are some things that are getting old at the moment and he's either going to man up or man out, not up to me. I love this man fiercely however I don't want to raise another child and no patience S is not having the mess. After my 2 marriages I know what dysfunctional unhealthy looks like and smelling it from afar is not on the menu. I deal with my crap you deal with yours do NOT involve me in your mess I don't involve you in mine. He's been very good about a lot of things. I need a man who equals my strength and I'm starting to seriously wonder if there is one that exists because I'm a scary single mom who has been through a LOT. I need someone with his quiet strength (HUGE amount of patience and practice with cactus plants .. I need someone who can hold me while I twirl and understand it's so not about them. I need a serious rock .. when I let down I need to know I can count on you. I want to be that opposite for the other person. There seems to be a lesson here and I'm not sure what it is I'm hoping to have a Eureka moment and say YUP there it is .. LOL .. so far I got nothing however not feeling good. So maybe after the storm .. I hope at least.
Daughter made it to her appointment .. I think I have relapsed with a fever and I'm going to have to show up to work tomorrow no matter how I feel .. UGH .. how is that for nothing going according to plan for my week .. I do not like my HP's sense of humor and I plan on a LONG discussion about that with Him tonight .. I will let you all know how that worked for me .. at least it feels so good to know I have that to go to when I need it and it's never not there.
Another poster reminded me of being able to start my day over and not allowing others to dictate my mood and I'm so working on that .. however not well.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh girl......sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. One thing I've learned about me - I'm just not very chipper when I don't feel good. If there ever was a time to isolate, it's when I am sick because I can go from being a strong woman into a nasty person in short order...
Be gentle with you and let God have it all - he's done real good for me and has a plan that I've not yet been told what it is!!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just remember, never make decisions about anything while you're sick with a fever! I've done that too many times along with the parenting fails!
Hugs to you. It just sounds like you've had a stressful week. As for your bf, you'll figure it out. Fighting is important in a relationship because it shows us how the other person will most likely present themselves moving forward and you get to decide if these things are deal breakers for you or things that need to be hashed out for future problems.
You get to live your own life, that's the good news. Well, and that's the bad news too! LOL
I get it. I waffle a lot, as you know, but you'll bring HP into this and eventually you will have clarity. Just hopefully that clarity comes AFTER the fever has broken. Feel better my friend! Sounds like you have the flu. Dang thing knocked me on my rear last year for 5 straight days. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I hope you feel better soon. I so appreciate even the title of your post as truth. After reading through, I could relate to my expectations as an attachment. My attachments to this world... when I absolutely insist life has got to look this way... my way, you hear me God?! Due to that error, I have suffered a lot and had to stop playing god. Wa wonderful to learn that God is unlimited, while my ideas are very limited and limiting.
I had been given many opportunities to practice trust again and again... to loosen up and just go with the flow and see what god brings... as in the third step. The 11th step helps me let go of worldly attachment and the result is more peace, much more freedom. Like you, I have suffered in the past.... from the choices I had made. I forgive myself because I have suffered enough. I work the steps because I needed to understand my role in my suffering. The steps invited me to decide god is everything or nothing and when I decided god is everything ....I discovered and amended some errors... especially letting go of the need to control.... and follow up by daily meditation and communing with God... I already have everything I am ever wanting.
The boyfriend (who is a reliable rock) did show up... but I already was standing on a reliable rock with god who can never disappoint. So even if boyfriend does disappoint, I am going to be just fine. My making humans my higher power had to fail because god wants to be my everything. When god became my everything, everything got better.
It has been a long process for sure. But these are my thoughts reading your post today, please take what you like and leave the rest. In so many ways i find it is only a two step program.... the daily constant turning to God alone. This is the dependence that works for me that has brought me more freedom. first things first.
I think the most ironic thing is that I'm very spontaneous so for me to lock up the way I do even I go .. ok .. seriously? I packed my kids and moved 1200 miles west after my divorce was finalized .. so it's been way awesome in that regard. I really didn't have a destination when we left.
My other issue is dealing with over stimulation .. when my skin is cracked open and every nerve is exposed I feel like sandpaper has been run over it .. I do not respond well to what has been going on this week. I'm going to focus on eating today. I just realized I sincerely have not eaten a whole lot since I got sick, it's no wonder I am functioning at the moment. So as I work I will eat and just see where that takes me for a bit.
Fighting .. this is new .. ironically my XAH and I did not fight until we finally split. My mother and her previous relationships fought in a very high drama way .. bodies thrown over cars and I remember being in my late teens thinking .. ummm .. noooo .. so I didn't ever learn really how to have a disagreement there was always high drama and it was always about my mother and it was always my fault .. lol. I think that's why I tend to say nope .. I'm done. I am finding I am quick to apologize for my part. I am good about owning my own stuff and leaving the rest and I know I perplex him because I am not a crier. His x always went to tears first to get her way and that's just not what I'm about. Tears are great they don't belong in an argument and if there are tears for me stop the conversation and regroup at that point I don't find I am productive.
I'm still not feeling good so that doesn't help at the moment so I may seriously look at leaving early. I just want to sleep all weekend and try again Monday.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh girl, I really feel ya on so many levels (except I'm not sick- hope you're better soon!). My bf threw a surprise party for my birthday this past week. His kids pitched in and helped, along with my daughter, to make it all happen while my bf and I took an hour long walk. When we returned his apartment, I was gobsmacked! I didn't get emotional- no crying, no shouts of glee. I just stood there like a deer in the headlights. My bf doesn't know me in this situation. I hate unexpected things like this. I had to just stand there in shock and process all of it. That's how my brain works. I'm not good at others being spontaneous (just like you Serenity), but it's okay when I am- LOL! His kids were surprised at my reaction, and I think he was, too. He asked by daughter and my brother if they were confused by how I reacted, and they said, "Nope, that's exactly what we knew she would do. She's a processor, not a 'crunchy' type." LOL! I am having to really adjust to this relationship. He loves to just adapt as needed. Me- I'm a planner and a knowledge-seeker with big time trust issues. I sure hope he can continue to be patient with me. I'm most definitely a WORK IN PROGRESS!!! "Progress, not perfection," as we say in Al-Anon.
Wishing you a very speedy recover. Take care of YOU!
