The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently separated from my husband of 20+ yrs due to his alcoholism, drug use, emotional and mental abuse and two affairs. I know I have many issues as a result of being in an abusive/alcoholic marriage. I can now see that even though my soon to be ex and I have been separated for two years, many of the behaviors I had in my marriage are showing up in my other relationships, such as lack of trust, questioning others motives, people pleasing etc. I know some of this sounds more like codependency, but I have no coda meetings in my area. Would Alanon still help me? Please feel free to ask me questions if you need clarification.
Welcome, Marie, and yes, Alanon would be perfect for you. It is for anyone affected by someone else's drinking, whether that person is still drinking or not, and whether they are still in your life or not. By attending meetings I found out that I was not alone, I learned so many valuable things that I continue to grow with this program even though my husband has passed away. Give Alanon a try. It is a gift to yourself.
Welcome, Marie! I would strongly recommend taking a look at it. The insight I gained from AlAnon has helped me immensely as I struggled to address the challenges that come from the disease of alcoholism. The tools I learned in the program have proved helpful in many other areas in my life.
By all means, give it a shot! Try a meeting, read one or any of the books, chat with us here
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I agree, Al-anon can help anyone who has had a relationship with a qualifier. I had a much different idea of what Al-anon was until I went to my first meeting. I know it will help me be me, it will help in my relationships with addicts of any kind and it will also help in any interactions I have with others of any type.
What I learn I learn about me, as I grow, I am a better me, A better me will make for a better life!
Keep coming back, find a face to face meeting, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at what a great group this is!
Welcome Marie - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in! I too would agree that Al-Anon is worth the visit(s) to see....my experience is that the support and fellowship provided me a new framework to work with the tools/steps/etc. of the program and gave me examples of change in action.
When others ask me if they think they belong, and suggest they might also need counseling, my first response is Al-Anon is a lot cheaper and available 24x7x365. I'm all for using any/all resources you can find that will help you heal and become the best version of you - that's what Al-Anon has done for me.
Keep coming back - glad you're considering a new path on your journey!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome and replies. There is one phrase I have heard used in Alanon as I have been listeing to podcasts and reading some stories online. When I hear someone say "I was the problem", for me, that is like a punch in the gut because that is something my husband often said to me. According to him, He never did anything wrong, never had any issues, it was all me, I had all the problems and needed help. After being mentally and emotionally beat down for twenty years, it is very hard for me to hear certain things that can trigger me.
(((Marie))) - when I heard things early in recovery that made my mind flair, I was told to remember that was not my story and I was to 'take what I liked, and leave the rest.' I hear you and completely understand....there were a few phrases that made my blood begin to boil when I arrived.
These two simple concepts helped me to listen actively for similarities vs. differences....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Marie, I can understand why that concept is a trigger. I questioned why point fingers at me, when it was all his fault? I came up with an analogy that helped me. What if someone ran me over with their car. They are responsible for that, and I am injured. But then it is my responibility to go to the doctor, get my injuries treated, get physical therapy, and be more alert to oncoming traffic in the future. To me, that is what it means to focus on my problems. It is not blame, it is just the only way I can heal.
Marie - both are great reads....both are daily readers - meaning they have some thoughts on a subject related to recovery and usually a thought and quote too. I typically use the Courage to Change only because my copy is the large print (my eyes are getting old and tired) version but either or both would be great to have as literature!
Hope that helps!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There is one phrase I have heard used in Alanon as I have been listeing to podcasts and reading some stories online. When I hear someone say "I was the problem", for me, that is like a punch in the gut because that is something my husband often said to me. According to him, He never did anything wrong, never had any issues, it was all me, I had all the problems and needed help. After being mentally and emotionally beat down for twenty years, it is very hard for me to hear certain things that can trigger me.
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Hi Marie,
I felt the same way. No way it had anything to do with me. I didn't drink. I was not an altered human being because of booze. I was the "rock" for the kids. I was the one who did everything for them. I was the one who kept the family together and the house running smooth....... no matter what bumps were in the road.
I realized that the people who were saying that were people who were in the program for years and years. I have been in the program for 17 years and all I can say now is that "I let it happen and didn't do enough to stop it like nag at him like I did with his smoking. I got him to stop the smoking."
I can't take the blame because I believe in the first step. If I am powerless over his drinking now, then I was powerless over his drinking in the past. If I am powerless over his "anything" now, then I was powerless over it in the past. What I was not powerless over back then, or now, is my own attitude that I have to take care of myself. I didn't have a good attitude about myself and I didn't take care of myself then. I let it happen because I didn't want to deal with the repercussions of whatever may have happened. I don't worry about it now because I have the program, but mostly because I truly believe that my HP is in charge and will let me know (through the program and my friends) just what I need to know and what to do.
Thank you Maryjane, I was beginning to think I was the only one who felt like saying "Don't tell me I was the problem." I was just like you, the rock. The one who had to avert all the catastrophes, like losing the home (which I ended up losing anyway). Yes, I know, in some ways I probably shouldn't have, but I needed to keep a roof over my son's head.
I never feel like we are the problem, but I do know that before Al-anon, I did contribute to it. As there is nothing that I can do to change my AGF, then in my mind I have to look at myself as having been "The Problem" Since I am the only one I can control. The disease is the biggest "Problem", sadly there is no way to put a disease behind bars, only the person they inhabit.
