The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Ceelee
I think, since amends are about our willingness to be accountable and not about procuring forgiveness, any sincere action such as writing a letter and the burning it, visiting their resting place and saying what you need to say or any small ceremonial act where you express your understanding of your wrongdoing and your desire for their well-being (wherever they are) would be appropriate. I know in one instant I made a small donation to a charity that I knew a person supported in lieu of being able to make physical amends. It doesn't need to be known about or acknowledged by anyone other than you and your HP
"Amends" for me means change such as the changing of my behavior, thoughts and feeling even after the persons I have hurt with them have disappeared for any reasons. The last amends I owed a month or so ago went out in the "letters to the editor" section of our local newspaper. I didn't know if they would print it however I also didn't know where and how one of the victims of my behavior was after I had apologized to the other. The paper printed the apology and several people in the program remember reading it even not knowing exactly who authored it. I am now practicing the amended behavior, thoughts and feelings and seeking support and help from my Higher Power in any form not to repeat the action. The same and guilt is high motivation for the amends work. That is the way I did it and another from the past was supporting other people not affected by my behavior and the behaviors of others still. It works when we work it. (((((hugs))))) ...I do have measurement for my amends that they be fair, honest and just.
(((Ceelee))) - I'm with Jerry - the amends process is about change. In my world, if I can't locate a person I hurt or if they have passed, I've gone one of two routes - found family and shared with them blessings about their loved one that they may not know.....the other I've done is offered service or volunteer hours directly tied to the changed behavior. Without going into details about what I did, I can share that I've gone to jails, schools, recovery centers and more and shared on recovery (AA & Al-Anon) as well as rebuilding your life after trouble with the law.
I love the first one as so often, in recovery, we are focused on the 'wrongs'. It's nice to spend time considering what I loved about a person and then be able to share things that may be unknown to their family. Kind words, kind actions, trips, outings, etc. - recovery gave me my truth to see that all which was unpleasant in my mind truly was not 100% so - there were many, many good times/events mixed in!
Glad you got some ideas flowing - there is no wrong answer/action!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That was my question when I went to my first meeting - which turned out to be a 9th step meeting. My father had died as a result of the disease and I felt so guilty for being relieved that he was dead. It didn't happen overnight, but my eventual amends to him was to let go of the hatred and forgive him (with the help of a very patient sponsor). When I had a very positive, loving dream about him, I knew that I had really forgiven him.
The other person I felt I owed amends to was my grandmother for not even acknowledging that my grandfather died, let alone go to the funeral. The amends I made to her was to act differently towards other people who lost someone. I started going to more wakes and funerals. It helped to ease my guilt. I felt good about supporting others, and thought that it was something that my grandmother would approve of.
I happen to believe that the whole amends process is for us - to help relieve whatever guilt we have. So anything you can do which relieves the guilt will help. Good luck.
I love all these replies,
I'm with MissM on this also.
To write out the amends,graveside,read it aloud,
Then burn it,letting it go.
I'm yet to do this to,I've got an xah that's deceased since 08.
Been telling myself over n over that I need to go there releasing myself of all my wrongs ,then to let it go.
Sounds freeing to me....that's my opinion ,,,,hugs Lu.
