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I'm wrestling with something about stuff in some of my FTF Al Anon meetings that you fine folks might be able to help me straighten out - thanks in advance for any guidance.
I go to AL Anon meetings because I have a loved one (my younger Son) that suffers from alcoholism. While I've learned a lot of techniques in Al Anon that I can use in the rest of my life, my main reason to go to meetings is because I have a loved one with the problem of alcoholism.
I'm seeing more and more sharings during meetings that have nothing at all to do with alcoholism or any of it's "relatives" - situations that have nothing to do with alcohol like job problems (completely unrelated to alcohol), husband \ wife problems (husband \ wife isn't an alcoholic), someone close or the person sharing has some type of terrible disease (a disease unrelated to alcohol), or problems with medical bills (medical problems unrelated to alcohol).
What I'm getting at is that I understand that these are serious issues, but are they relevant to share at an Al Anon meeting? Shouldn't we keep the focus on problems \ issues related to alcohol?
I agree. I do think that the format of the meeting encourages healthy shares. At the meetings that I attend there is usully a statement read at the start as to the the polices of the meeting and the timing of shares. Then the topic is mentioned and a speaker speaks to the topic or an alanon reading is read from CAL. Then the chair announces that the meeting is open to shares on the topic or other alanon approved subject. If members share on outside issues and then bring the share around to how they used an alanon tool then the share is acceptable. If not the chair can interrupt If you are encountering this problem it might be necessary to ask for a business meeting to discuss shares and meeting topics. The reading in the ODAT for 3-15 touches nicely on this topic.
Here, so long as the share is not cross-talk, about outside issues, etc. we pretty much allow it. We're reasonable as the disease is larger than the direct issues. For most of us, we lack self-confidence, self-esteem and possess extreme amounts of self-doubt. So, when life happens, for those of us damaged by the disease, our reactions/responses can affect our serenity, joy and peace.
I will say that most of the time, when folks bring up outside issues, they share in a way that brings up how they used the tools or the steps or the slogans to work through the issue. Alcoholism affects every stain of a person's life to include job, health, finances, relationships, etc. so we pretty much allow all shares from all members. I've only seen interruptions if the person brings up Outside Help, Religion, Politics, etc. Beyond that, we 'take what we like and leave the rest.'
Hope that helps TX Yankee. We do have pre-selected topics which might help keep folks better focused for the meeting. We tell folks they can share, pass or read from literature on the topic. We also offer one-on-one meetings so if someone needs to share longer than 3-5 minutes, they have the option to do so. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have chaired the Steps and Traditions meeting in our chat room. To answer your question, yes, it is appropriate to share about those things as our focus is to learn how to use these tools and principles in our life. As step 12 says at the end "....and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
I used the Al-Anon book Paths to Recovery as a guide in the meetings. After each step/tradition it has many questions to ask yourself as to how you can apply it to your life. Another example I can think of relating to your post would be Tradition 7 "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." Questions on that one also ask if one is contributing to their own well-being, is one fully self-supporting (emotionally and financially).
When you truly delve into our steps/traditions and look at how they can be applied in ALL areas of your life, it is really something! How I relate to my qualifier today is so different than when I first started this journey. Along the way I found I could use my Al-Anon tools with others (non alcoholic family, friends, coworkers) in different situations that might have previously caused me anguish or drama. And I have shared about these issues in meetings when the topic was appropriate to the situation.
Our journey here is not about the alcoholic. It is about US. It is about learning to be a healthier, happier person "whether the alcoholic is drinking or not". We come together because of our mutual problems with the alcoholic, but we learn so much more than that when we get to those meetings, find a sponsor and work those steps AND the traditions and even the Concepts. We learn it is about us, about our own thinking and attitude and behavior. We learn what parts of those are healthy and worth keeping and what parts are unhealthy and needing a change. That's our Serenity Prayer right there.
Keep coming back! Great questions!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Many years ago when I first started attending FTF meetings I was totally self consumed with the alcoholic and the problems that we were facing. It was eye opening to me that others were sharing much more challenges in life and facing them with dignity, serenity and even humor at times. This ESH gave me the strength to take a good look at myself and work with different tools that are much healthier. I still keep coming back because I will never be too old to Listen and Learn. Keep coming back.
Great topic and responses. Texas Yankee do you have a sponsor yet? Sometimes I also felt that my concerns were special needs and that is where my sponsor comes into the picture. The "all our affairs" statement from the 12th step is a grace builder. ((((hugs)))) thanks for the courage and faith.
I think for me its all about recovery and we are recovering from alcoholism. If shares start to bring in all areas of life ie health issues, work issues with no real mention of the tools they use or how things have changed then it becomes more like a coffee morning. These are things that can be discussed after the meeting or with friends any time of the day. So in meetings I believe its important to stay on topic, we are there for a purpose and the traditions are kind of saying that. We have a card read out at every meeting, keep the focus on alanon. We try to be mindful of newcomers and sharing with them in mind. I usually always hear something that I need or can use. I went to meeting once where I hardly heard a single work of alanon, it was like a whiny moan session. The format never even had a topic the room was opened with 'how was your week?. I never went back, thats not alanon, thats a social type of group with no focus on recovery. I can get that with anyone. Im there to hear Alanon. In 5 yrs thats the only time where ive ever thought that so in a way the topic isnt the issue its the lack of the program in the shares.
I also think that every group is on its own journey and with its own higher power leading it and directing it. I recently heard that the group with no recovery had got the awareness and were taking action to change. Its hopeful, so groups are just like people at different stages in the journey. My group is a well established old timer kind of group with strong routines and strictly adheres to the traditions. Maybe your part of your groups journey and raising this at the next business meeting may help to drive it forward towards recovery.
I can also relate to this type groups,my ftf meeting is an old group at so ,been around for eons.
Mostly a social group,with no topics,there's lots of cross talk,the focus is on one person the whole hour,who ever has a problem with a child,etc,no tools being offered,although there is the opening and closing,with keep coming back joining hands.the end.rest of time is socializing.
Sadly it's 40 mins for me to get there,so I don't go as much as I should ,haven't been back in over a month.
I find the mip online meetings lots more helpful to me.
There are some great groups out there,
And I'm thinking on beginning a group myself here in my home town.
Thanks for sharing this Texas Yankee,,Great Topic indeed.....lu
