The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading has us taking a look at our expectations: Do we expect others to 'just know' what we are feeling, or what we need? Or do we expect that if we do ask a person for the things we need, they should be able to deliver them all to us?
In short, that 'aint gonna happen. AlAnon helps us develop/moderate our voice to say what we mean, mean what we say, and not say it mean. It also helps us seek other sources for what we have asked for and not received; no one person can do it all.
Today's Reminder: Help and support are available, I can reach out for it today.
"...I cannot expect anyone to help me unless I am willing to share that I need help." - In All Our Affairs
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Verbal communication is a fairly complex call and response process with many pieces that can allow for misunderstanding. Not saying anything and expecting others to guess is perhaps the leading cause.
Effectively verbalizing our feelings and needs is a great skill to develop, but if we only use it to ask for bread in a meat shoppe, we might direct some thought to finding a better source to fill what we need.
AlAnon helps me adjust my expectations of both the call and response side of my communication. As always, so much help and direction...I am grateful
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
What a fantastic reading today! I can relate 100% to expecting others (my wife, for example) to just know what I need or expect (like help with cleaning the house). I cannot count the times we have had this conversation:
AW: If you want me to do something to help you, just ask. I don't know what needs to be done unless you tell me.
Me: I am not going to be responsible for telling you what housework needs to be done. You have eyes just like me. You can see the garbage can is full, or the dust-bunnies are taking over just as well as I can. I don't care what specific task you do, just pick something and do it.
From this exchange, I can see a few things clearly. First, I need some help with housekeeping. Second, I am not communicating that to my wife in a way that she can hear and understand it. Third, I do not believe that I am the only adult responsible for housecleaning, and I do not want to manage my wife as though she were an employee. Forth, my wife and I have different standards of living conditions. Fifth, My wife has not for ten years and will probably not now simply step up and do something when I notice it needs to be done. Sixth, I might want to think about finding someone or something else (a cleaning service? a dishwasher?) to help fulfill my needs of having a dust-bunny free house.
I have recognized through my work in the program that my expectations for my wife are not realistic for her, and I have many conversations with myself about this. Most of the time, these inner-conversations help me to avoid rehashing the "I need you to help me with something, anything" conversation with my wife. I have recognized also where my expectations for myself are not realistic, and what realistic steps I can take each day to keep things more in check. I am grateful that I can put my energy into something productive, instead of a rehash of the same old, emotionally loaded conversation.
Have a lovely day, everyone!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Paul Thank you and Skorpi for sharing your thought on this crucial topic. I know that prior to program IO expected my husband to "read my mind" and know exactly what i wanted and needed in a given situation--"after all I could read his mind (Or so I thought- How wrong I was!!!) .
Working the Steps attending meetings and sharing at meetings and with my sponsor allowed me to clarify my thoughts as well as examine my feelings so I could express them intelligently and not blame others for how i felt. I also came to realize that I was not a " mind reader" and that I must listen to what others share so as to know their needs as well.
years i thought others 'should be able' to read my mind .. why couldn't they .. they were on it 24/7 .. oye obsession .. anyway growing the aware .. still moving others out of the neighborhood .. some in too .. such as more alanon members .. their pieces of wisdom .. priceless ..
when it comes to reading my mind .. it's progress not perfection for 'me .. i admit there are still areas in me that expect this .. but interestingly enough .. just last night as i was doing some more step work inside me .. i began to become aware of a few things i had never seen .. sort of hit me that if i hadn't been aware of this going on inside me, others couldn't either .. those slow subtle perception changes and aha moments .. believe in this program the ahas are truly the gratitude .. (thank yous) .. still sinking it from the head to the heart .. thanks for sharing on this ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 6th of March 2017 10:37:16 AM
Thank you for posting this and for all the responses. Expecting others to know my needs, and not being willing to express my needs, was probably my biggest defect in the past. I thought it was somehow wrong to ask anyone for anything. My husband used to complain that he never knew what to buy me for a gift, because I never asked for anything. So my defect was a problem for others, not just for me. By going through the turmoil of living with the effects of alcoholism, with the support of this wonderful program, I have been able to let go of this defect and not feel guilty about it.
Thank you Paul for your service, wow there's so much I could share about this topic. For me listening to and sharing with my Al-Anon family has helped me most to develop better communication skills. Before the program I was very often guilty of expecting others to know what I needed, maybe because I didn't know what I needed, I sure knew what I didn't want, but what did I want? And that must have been very confusing to others. Today I am a much better at communicating when I utilize the slogans "think" and "say what you mean" and by listening to others speak in the program, I've learned to use I statements, I feel/believe/want etc...Today I'm grateful for Al-Anon and all the gifts I've received.
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Thanks Paul for the daily and your service. Thanks to all above me for your shares! In my own silly way of thinking, I had this flawed concept that 'we all value the same things'....come to find out that life is an individual journey and it's a bonus when we find another who shares our values. Even then, it's rare that we view things identical - what a reveal for me. And - communication is complicated without this disease and near catastrophic with it. I've been working hard on the 'saying what I mean, meaning what I say without saying it mean' - which does help.
Before recovery, I used silent scorn, or sarcasm or humor in ways that made my message very hard to understand/hear. I'm far from excelling but have gotten better. I now approach each situations making an assumption that there is a clean slate and I don't know another's thoughts, motives, etc. I ask questions when necessary and I reply as best I can.
I do know that expectations were a huge issue for my disappointments/resentments. I've worked to remove them as best I can and restate my needs as simply as possible.
Have a perfect day - happy Monday all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all for your shares, ES & H...there is so much more for me to learn about communication, I'm so grateful for the guidance of the program and experience of all of you sharing the journey. Rest well...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
(Or so I thought- How wrong I was!!!) .