The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I taught gymnastics for 25 years. I got my degree in PE and training in order to continue with it. I taught but never took any responsibility in the gym as I had young children (they came to work with me) and my hubsbands drinking, caused some problems, as well as my attitudes about it.
I retired from the gym 7 years ago. My 8 year old was a baby and the gym I worked at was closing its doors. My boss and longtime friend was getting a divorce and needed to get another job as well. She had asked me to stay on and manage the gym while she worked elsewhere. When I thought about it, I couldn't take on the responsibility. My life did not allow it. I explained that to her, she decided to close the doors. She did offer to sell it to me. It had always been my dream to own my own gym. My Dad was willing to help finance it and when we talked, I realized I could not give it all I had. It would fail, the time wasn't right for me in my circumstances.
My husband had a decent job at the time and we agreed I would retire and stay home with the kids. Not long after he got hurt and lost his job. A friend taught me how to drive a school bus to make extra money, get benefits and still be home with the kids. I took it temperarily to help. 7 years later, I am the main support of this family. I am doing a job I enjoy, but with no future or advancement.
My sons preschool had a trip to a gymnastics school. I drove and chaperoned. I have not been in a gym in a few years. When I walked in the smell of chalk was overwhelming. I was filled with a feeling of complete happiness and excitement. I was home!
I was talking twith the owner. She is an aquaintence from my years in competition. I walked around the gym, looking, touching and helping. I couldn't stop myslef.The years just went away.
She tolds me about a business opportunity involving a bus that is renovated as a gym and goes to local preschools. She is getting me the rest of the information.
I taught high level competition and am too old for that now, but preschool movement is exciting in a fresh way, without the physical punishment.
I can't get this out of my mind, the pieces seem to be just falling into place. I spoke with my Dad about it. He will be up next month for a visit and I should have all the rest of the info. I spoke with my boss, he could help with some of the particulars.
My Dad made me take a long hard look at myself and my life. I have givewn up my dreams using my husbands drinking and an excuse. I do feel stagnent. I am resentfull because I wanted more out of life by this point. I am driven and do have dreams, but I have let them go.
He told me that Marriage is supposed to make us stronger, part of a team, we can reach for our dreams together. That while it can involve sacrifice it can't be all from one person, or we become bitter. It is his opinion, but I have buried my dreams and allowed my husband to become an albatros around my neck. he said it is up to me wether to continue this way managing, exisiting, or looking towards a future.
The kids and I talked. They got excited too, they want to be a part of this if I decide to do it.
I feel so alive right now, yet sad and confused. I know in my heart, that my husband cannot be part of this. I know if I want to do this, I have to legally seperate him from me. There is no way possible for it to work or even have a hope of working while I am still married to him.
I don't know if this is going to fly or even if it is a workable opportunity, that remains to be seen. But my old work is opening back up to me, and I didn't even realize how much I missed it. How much it was a part of me. I can step back into this life with my children. I can be who I always dreamed of being, and maybe succeed. But my husband even if he managed to get sober, would see it as selfish, selfserving. He always thought the gym a little hobby, that he ridiciuled and barely tolerated as long as it didn't interfere with him. He considers my past and my education something to put down, uses it as a way to belittle me, he says "Oh I forgot, You went to college, your special." He as you can see didn't.
I was good at what I did. I had a great reputation and a large following. I had good hands, I was fast and a way with kids. Whenever I told him I was good, he told me I was pretty stuck on myself. At the time, I felt bad and thought he was right.
I look at it now and realize I had worked hard and I was good, I had talent and drive.
Wether I do this or not, I have realized that I want more.
I am 44 years old and might not have too many more opportunities. I want more out of live than living paycheck to paycheck, struggling, one day at a time with an alcoholic. I love him, but I am starting to believe that, that love is at my expense.
I can't even bring myself to talk to him right now. Nothing he could possibly have to say, is of any concern to me. I'm being selfish, but I need to figure out what I want out of the rest of my life, without trying to fit him into it.
I am willing ot work. Up till now, my hard work has just kept us one step ahead, most of the time, of him draining us. Sort of like filling a bucket with a leak in it. By constantly filling you can keep something in it, but it will never fill or overflow. I think I want to see what can happen if we plug the leak. But I think that can only happen at the cost of my marriage. I don't know if that's too high a price. But is the alternative always thinking what I could have done? I am confused.
Have I used him as an excuse not to follow my dreams. Is he the scapegoat, well I might have failed. You can't fail if you don't try. But why try if failing is a guarantee with him as part of it.?
I'm sorry this was so long, but any feedback wouuld really be appreiciated.
I don't think you used him as a excuse to not follow your dreams. But, your circumstances, having small children to care for delayed the opportunity.
You don't have to stop loving your husband to follow your dreams now, even if it means separating to protect yourself and your business. I have followed your posts for along time and I know you have given your all to your marriage and your family. You are a fantastic wife and mother.
Jeannie.... I, of course, can't answer the question of whether or not YOU used his alcoholism as an excuse for you not to follow your dreams, but.....
I can say that it is common to do so, and to some extent, I fall into that category.... I have a decent job with a large company, in the middle management area, but was once identified as a "high potential" employee, with executive possibilities.... I haven't progressed like I thought I was capable of, and some or most of my 'rationale' for why that hasn't happened can be loosely or tightly tied to the excuse that my wife is an alcoholic. Problem is, today, I am divorced, after having been separated for three years, and my ex hasn't had a drink in almost four years!! So my "excuse" is waning just a little, lol.
What I DO see in your post is your heart and passion for the new opportunity in front of you, and I really hope you don't deny yourself this....
I'll finish by telling a story, as told by an alcoholic in recovery, at a convention a couple of years ago.... This lady, about 55 at the time, was very proud to be 13 years sober, after a lifetime of being drunk, and was now living her dream of being a registered nurse. She relayed the story from a few years prior..... She was quite newly sober, and was talking with her counselor or sponsor..... and talking about life's passions & dreams. Her sponsor asked her if she had any lifelong passions or dreams, and this lady immediately said "Yes, I have always wanted to be a nurse". The sponsor asked what was stopping her from pursuing this, and the lady responded "...well, I'm 44 years old, and by the time I was finished my training, I would be 50". The sponsor deadpanned right back "well, to the best of my knowledge, you'll be 50 regardless, so why not be a nurse?" The lady told this story with pride, as she took the advice, went in and got her nursing degree, and became the proudest 49-1/2 year old graduate of nursing she could ever have imagined.
I love that story, and hope you can relate it to your situation.
It's super easy to allow alcoholism, or even life in general, to interrupt our pursuit of our life's dreams. Sounds to me like you are being presented another opportunity.... Time to embrace Jeannie.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Oh Jeannie, I can relate to the feeling you had when you walked into that gym. "I'm home!"
My ex and I seperated for 2 years, and I went to work in a nursing home. I LOVED my job!
Before we seperated, he would run me down, look at me with contempt, you know exactly where I was at. His family hated me, yadda yadda yadda.
We kept in touch while we were seperated, and since he lived 6 hrs. away, he would come and stay the weekend when he visited. One time, he had stopped in to work to bring me something. I saw him, but didn't recognize him at first. When I got to him, he said I looked like a mother hen protecting her brood from an intruder. When I was working, he started to get more respect for me, and actually admired me! It was strange, he had no respect for me when I was living under his 'control' and doing everything the way I thought he wanted. I was a doormat!
We ended up getting back together, but I stayed with my Mom another year to help her nurse my Dad till he died of Cancer. We stayed together another 18 years or so and 2 children. When he retired, we moved back to my home grounds.I went back to work at the same nursing home,(loving it!) he moved away to make more money, and I stayed here. But that's another long story..
That's just my story, take what you need and leave the rest, Love TLC
It is so wonderful to hear your excitement. Your passion is fully expressed in our words. I hear a woman who is reaching out to embrace her life and it is thrilling!
As I was reading your post, I stopped short when you called yourself selfish. I have learned in this program that behavior I have always believed to be selfish isn't neccessarily selfish. Often, it is self caring. But for the people in my life affected by this disease anything that wasn't focused on them was selfish. I have learned that if I focus on myself, I am self caring. And that my higher power often puts people and circumstances in my path to help me on my journey.
I can relate to what you are going through right now because I'm going through the same thing. When I had my children almost three years ago I put every bit of energy I had into them and the other bits of energy went into monitoring, controlling, and fighting with my "a". I started feeling like my life was passing me by and I wasn't liking the fact that my a did nothing he wanted to in his life. He talks a good game, but has not been able to get the motivation to make the changes. Eventually he will or not... Either way six weeks ago I began an Entreprenuel class presented by my local Chamber of Commerce. I've had some good business ideas in the past, but lacked the knowledge and capital to start my own business. It has been hard staying focused on my class due to our recent separation/reconciliation but what this whole thing has taught me is that this is my life too. My a was not in favor of me having a salon because he wanted me to put money up for a coffee shop. We are inundated here with coffee shops and that was once my dream but no longer. I attempted to explain to him that if the kids salon prospers that will allow extra money and possible capital to branch out to the coffee shop, maybe getting a non-profit concept going as well. He admitted that he didn't believe in himself that he could do this.
I realized that I lost myself three years ago, and it has taken me hitting bottom and doing some major soul searching to realize that I can do this with or without my a. I'm not going to apologize for me living my life to its fullest potential any longer. If he wants to stay stagnant and unmotivated that's his business. He will have to make a decision to either get up and do something with himself or stay home and do nothing. I love him very much and would love to see him do the things in life he wants but I'm not willing to sacrifice my dreams and my time for him any longer. I have too much life and love to give back to the world and myself to allow myself to be held back. Its a hard call for you, you could go forward regardless of what he says, or cut bait and move on. It's not that simple though, you know what you want. You may not have to leave him to succeed. He obviously feels like crap about himself which is why he belittles your efforts. Once he sees you succeed and become happy he will have to look at himself and come to terms with why he's so unhappy and you and the kids are happy and living the life you want. Just a thought. You are in my prayers.
Hugs
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
jeannie, u sounded sooo alive in the part of ur post describing the gym, how u felt, even the smell...........kinda tells me ur heart is saying "go for it"
at 59, i may have lost all opportunities , getting into recovery so late, so i have to be content with finding me and making my peace with my life as i made it, with all the mistakes, and things i might have done, but too late now.......but u know as long as i am alive, there has to be SOMETHING for me...and if something DOES come up and it makes me feel ALIVE--- INVOLVED in life----PURPOSE......i'll tell ya, aint no man or anything gonna make me "blow it" this time.....i hope i do get another chance.........in the meantime?? i work my program, and work on me and "go where the tide takes me"..............good luck
ps...i think u know what u want to do but feel guilty cuz its someting for U!!!! don't......we ALL have the right to be happy, and if someone isn't willing to clean his act up and share??? well, what can i say??? research it out---talk w/ur sponser-- pray---talk with your dad----LISTEN TO YOUR INNER HP......rosie
I loved reading the passion in your post, the excitement jumped off the screen. I wish you the best whatever decision you make. I don't have any answers but this story popped into my head when I read this.
you wrote ..
He always thought the gym a little hobby, that he ridiciuled and barely tolerated as long as it didn't interfere with him
Well little hobbies can surprise you. My husband's employer after being prodded by his wife for some time gave her 10000 dollars to start this little business. More something to keep her busy and make her happy in her little hobby. As it turns out her hobby was quite productive, a few years ago she sold her company (it had grown from a storefront to a mail order to factories and international mail order) for a couple hundred million dollars. my husband's employer sold his share of his business for far less shortly after and they live happily ever after as far as I know.
Just thinking of this woman's determination and success always makes me smile.
Do it Jeannie! Follow your dreams! It's a wonderful dream and we only live once. Don't let your husband bring you down and not go forward with what you want to do. This opportunity is right in front of your face! You have to reach out and grab it. And isn't this what Al-anon teaches us, to think of ourselves and what's important to us and what we want to do with our lives to make US happy. You following your dream doesn't mean you have to give up your marriage, or let your husband ridicule you about what you want to do. If he's being like that it could be because he is a bit jealous, you don't have an addiction, your strong ,you are taking care of you and doing what you want to do. Maybe down the road he could learn from you and finally do what he really wants to do, hopefully it would be getting sober.
You need to know that the things your husband says to you that brings you down is nothing you can do anything about. The more you ignore what he says, or just let it roll off your back, could make him finally give up saying hurtful things to you. He says those things to get a reaction out of you, to hurt you because he is hurting. And the more you react to his words, the more he goes on.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! It sounds like such a wonderful opportunity that God has laid in front of you, don't let it pass you by again.
Obviously by the responses, there are alot of people who identify with your situation. My A is a dry drunk the symptoms being frequent change of geographic location to solve problems. As they say the disease is insidious and cunning. I was an award winning coach with my team having just won a state championship. My husband said that he wasn't happy and wanted to move. Our sons were babies. In my mind I rationalized that the move would be good because we would be closer to family and I wanted to quit working to stay home with my sons. We also sold our house - my husband still criticizes us for not holding on to it - we could be rich. So I made the sacrifice and moved with my husband.
As I have posted here, he finally just walked out of our 32 year old marriage. Now that I look back several things come to mind. I don't really think that my husband expected me to go with him years ago. I think he was trying to escape. He also would say what a great coach I was but criticized those same attributes. I finally got up the nerve to say it was your idea to move and that is why we sold the house.
Those A's say one thing and do another. My A would say he supports me but I think there was always a subtle undercurrent of criticism. I particularly noticed it when I finally went back to work fulltime and started speaking up more about the finances.
Sounds like you are tune with your true feelings. I think that it is hard to be a truly independent, confident person with your A. Because underneath they are not that confident and are threatened when you act confidently. But it is so subtle and sometimes not discernible. If it is a help, I am a 56 year old PE teacher who works with college students. It is a challenge to keep up but doable. I remember when I walked into the gym after years of being away and I knew what my passion was.
What I have learned in Alanon is to have a Plan A and Plan B. I am faced with many decisions today. I can't use my A as an excuse anymore either because he is long gone. It is time for me to step up but you know what, I think that I am finally ready. I am sure you are ready for the challenge too!
