Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

numan · Member

are questions allowed

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know how old your daughter is these are both very personal choices.

I would really based my own personal decision on age of the child and what can s/he realistically handle. I would not take my 13 year old to a meeting with me to participate .. I would gladly take him to a different meeting and wait outside. He's probably not ready for the raw emotional stuff that can happen in a meeting. That's me. For others it could be different. My almost 18 year old daughter I have encouraged her to attend meetings because I think they would help her and I would gladly attend with her if it was HER comfort level I was there.

As far as telling your AW .. my XAH knew I went to alanon meetings however was unaware until a much later date like a year later that I was also attending open AA meetings. I knew a woman who did not tell her AH that she went to alanon because there was the risk of physical abuse. I did not tell my XAH I was going to AA meetings because his response was he's not an alcoholic .. and sometimes a duck is a duck .. the evidence presented itself in my situation. I don't know any non alcoholics who have 3 DUI's jail time and so on. Anyway, what is your fear of telling your AW and what would happen if she knew? Would you be ok with the consequences good or bad??

Hugs S :)

numan · Member

SerenityRUS wrote:
I don't know how old your daughter is these are both very personal choices.

I would really based my own personal decision on age of the child and what can s/he realistically handle. I would not take my 13 year old to a meeting with me to participate .. I would gladly take him to a different meeting and wait outside. He's probably not ready for the raw emotional stuff that can happen in a meeting. That's me. For others it could be different. My almost 18 year old daughter I have encouraged her to attend meetings because I think they would help her and I would gladly attend with her if it was HER comfort level I was there.

As far as telling your AW .. my XAH knew I went to alanon meetings however was unaware until a much later date like a year later that I was also attending open AA meetings. I knew a woman who did not tell her AH that she went to alanon because there was the risk of physical abuse. I did not tell my XAH I was going to AA meetings because his response was he's not an alcoholic .. and sometimes a duck is a duck .. the evidence presented itself in my situation. I don't know any non alcoholics who have 3 DUI's jail time and so on. Anyway, what is your fear of telling your AW and what would happen if she knew? Would you be ok with the consequences good or bad??

Hugs S :)
Thank you
My daughter is 26 so no problem age wise but I was thinking it may cramp both our styles with the other being in the room.
The fear with telling AW is it could give her another excuse to add to the many others.

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

If you fear that either of you will be guarded with sharing your experiences than it may be wise to each look for a different meeting. However, maybe you guys could try and go to one together at first to see if it feels weird.

I actually didn't tell my AH at first but then again it was easy not to divulge the information as I go during work. I did let him know that I was attending meetings after I had gone to a few meetings. However, my husband was also attending AA meetings at the time

-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Thursday 2nd of March 2017 04:38:17 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to add my mother and I attended alanon because my s/dad at the time was a pill popper and alcoholic (hmm .. lol .. no pattern for me here), she freaked when I shared because we lived in a house of secrets and that was the only alanon meeting we attended at until I moved to the Midwest. I was an adult at the time.

Besides meetings are very raw experiences and everyone responds to them differently .. I don't know how men respond .. I cried my first 2 at least and from time to time would cry more .. usually from other things I had been going through divorce and so on. I don't know how open I would have been in my responses and very healthy natural responses to do that .. I broke my ankle painfully in front of my kids and did not cry so my pain tolerance is very high .. I was protecting my children from the fact I was very hurt.

Honestly an active A is going to drink, get angry whatever the sky is blue, it's gray, someone cut them off in traffic, it was a good day, bad day .. you get the point. I think keeping it to yourself is ok provided you are ok with it. There is a saying that used to tick me off to no end .. the whole it's none of my business .. my business is taking care of me in my case the kids my job and so on .. if I take care of all of that business I am not inclined to get into the A's business of if they are sober or not. That's their business to deal with.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Numan you are correct in thinking that you and your daughter attending the same meeting might cramp your sharing. There are no rules as to what works best so I suggest that it might be OK for you to attend your first meeting together and then, you could both decide the best action going forward.

Here is a link ot some frequently asked questions that might help:

alanon.activeboard.com/t13820090/frequently-asked-questions/

As far as tellng your spouse that is up to you. many do so and others do not

Curlyblu · Senior Member

For me, this is another area where I would have to do what I feel is right in my heart. I have a grown daughter with whom I am very close. I could see us going to our first meeting together as support. But probably wouldn't share. I know I wouldn't want her to "know" a lot...just yet (I know she already does). I agree that telling the A, has a lot to do with the situation as well....safter etc. I choose to tell my A, because of how much time we typically spend together. I'm not socially active, so he would have many questions.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Betty on this - it may/may not cramp your style - certainly OK to go to your first meeting together. My home group does the opening as a whole group and then we break out into smaller groups each focusing on the same topic. We do this by counting off 1, 2, 3....so if folks wanted to be separated, that's an option and if they want to be together, that's an option. Your first meeting will give you more insight into how the group works and give you more food to decide what works best for you (both).

As far as sharing, not sharing - 100% personal choice. I did not share in the beginning only because I wasn't wanting to have any contrary discussions. I wasn't hiding, I just did not want to add any more fuel to the fires that were already burning. Do what works best for you and just give it a shot!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been around for a while and have seen many and various ways of family members attending meetings together. For me up-front honestly about what you think, how you feel and how you share in the group is important. After the meeting you can have a face to face discussion with the family member and continue an honest discussion then.

(((((hugs))))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My daughter came with me to meetings and it was suggested that different meetings or different home groups might be better. I agreed because it might be difficult for my daughter to hear the effects of alcoholism from my point of view and it might be difficult for me. In hindsight, Ive grown now in Alanon that Im all about facing these facts, my daughter has been damaged by alcoholism and that does not mean only her fathers drinking but also my emotional neglect my absentee parenting all of it. Its all the truth and yes maybe in the early days when things are raw it might be easier to let it all out without the duaghter being there but today after 5 yrs in program I am ready to hear it all now, its painful but necessary for growth to be in the complete reality and not chosen chunks of reality.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HI numan,

Not knowing what I was getting into, my then 13yo son came with me to the family visits at my wife's inpatient therapy. I thought we were just going to visit the wife, but instead we had our own session beforehand, which included an introduction of why we were there. My son learned A LOT in that meeting about, I got a little uncomfortable , and he did give a few wide-eyed glances at me from time to time.

Reviewing it with him afterward, it was eye opening for him, but in the situation we were in, it was a good thing for him to find out a bit more about the world. in fact, sometimes I wish all preteens could come to a meeting like this, where family members cry about their loved ones being addicted and seemingly nothing that can be done. there would probably be a lot less experimentation going on in the teenage world.

I have seen a lot of combos come into my family group since, and the most honest ones work the best. But sometimes we aren't quite ready for honesty, sometimes we have to work our way up to it, as part of the progress not perfection stance. Following your heart and having some honest talks with daughter would be the right place to start from what I have seen.

Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene