The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this board and new to Al Anon (attended 3 meetings so far) so please bear with me as I am a fledgling with the steps. My husband is alcoholic - which I have only been aware of since late last year (maybe earlier). Things went rapidly down hill since Christmas. We have 4 children and I have set the boundary of him not being drunk in the house or at anytime with the children as I reached a personal rock bottom myself. It is a boundary / consequence I am fully prepared to stand to and have some flat rentals in the wings if we need to rapidly go down that route. Last week he voluntarily went to his first AA meeting and so far says he will go again this week. He has been dry for 4 days and maybe drank a bit on two - but I am trying my hardest to just let go, be positive about him going, but generally just try and not control things and focus on myself and the children. I have three problems though. Firstly, I feel miserable and almost worse than when he was drunk. I just feel empty and can't stop crying. If I am honest if I could just wave a wand and have him disappear, I would do that. Secondly (and I appreciate recovery is likely to be a long slow process) but he is now acting paranoid and is now accusing me of following him, which I am not. I do acknowledge that in the early days I did sometimes follow him to the shop to see what he is was buying, but I have stopped that completely. Is paranoia 'normal' in early recovery? Thirdly, I am struggling with not saying to him that actually going to one AA meeting a week is not enough. He hasn't seen a doctor (and won't) - even though I have shown him literature to say that stopping drinking without medical support may be dangerous. Do I just detach and let him find his own way, be grateful for the positive step he has taken or keep trying to suggest more? Thanks for listening. My post doesn't convey how low I have felt and still feel. To the poster who have said that they would feel better if there other half just died, I am sorry to say that I have the same feelings and I feel awful for having those feelings. Thank you.
Just keep coming back. Keep reading literature, take a look at the steps. Alcoholism and denial are so tightly enmeshed it's suffocating. It really often feels as if its the worst thing in the world for an alcoholic to accept themselves as an alcoholic. For them that is. The idea of failing at drinking, of never drinking again, these are hard ideas to reframe. These are ideas that need a heap of time and recovery and step work and sponsorship and most of all desire to stop drinking in order to be addressed. It's a stinker of a disease.
I love that you have a flat in the wings. And you've already made three meetings.
The three c's and step one apply here right now, i think. Didn't cause his drinking, can't control his drinking, can't cure his drinking.
That low feeling, step one. Admitted we were powerless over anothers drinking and our lives had become unmanageable.
From experience, unmanageable can and does get worse and worse if we don't hit our own recovery with everything we have. I applaud your honesty thus far, keep coming!
One more thing, I say this as an alcoholic also. In the beginning stages, just making those meetings is uncomfortable. It is hoped though, that if one goes and just listens, something will click. Best thing you can do is not give his disease any excuse to not go. Hence, detachment. No nagging, reminding, cajoling, rewarding or punishing. Let him do it or not do it on his own esteem. i know that's hard. Malachai macourt recalled his alcoholic father reasoning he wasn't an alcoholic because he'd never drunk methylated spirits. If you've read Angela's Ashes, the mind boggling-ness of that reasoning will hit you. Cunning, baffling and powerful disease.
Thank you a4l for taking the time to reply. I appreciate I also need to recover and am hoping I can ask for a sponsor at my next Al anon meeting. I would just like to 'confess' (not sure of this is the right word) and I have never said this to anybody but feel it inside that I DO feel that I at least partly caused his drinking. I didn't give him enough attention, even when he said he felt that no-one cared about him. For that I am sorry to him as I did nothing and carried on with the rest of the stuff in my life. I am hopeful that step 1 will help me to review what I feel - but this at least has helped me feel a bit better to say for the first time what I have felt inside. Acknowledging that feeling and committing to work on it myself I guess is something I can feel gratitude for today, even if only the smallest of baby steps. Thank you everyone.
Hello Better, welcome to Miricles in Progress...so very glad you are here Many good things you have already put into practice, fantastic! Getting to meetings is one of the best things you can do to realize that you are not alone and there is hope.
a4l mentioned some good things, reading is something that also help(s)ed me tremendously and is available 24/7. It sounds like you are taking great steps in discovery, realization and recovery, look forward to hearing more of your journey...keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
My experience with trying to suggest how they should go about their recovery is that I was still trying to control the situation. It didn't help the situation either. Positives are that he is going to AA meetings. He just has to want to get better to really get sober, and not just going to meetings because you were telling him too. I do remember that it was very hard to not tell my husband to go to more meetings than just once a week. I still struggle with that problem and my AH is coming up on his 2nd year of sobriety.
As for withdrawals. I can share some ESH on this. I guess it depends on the A. I thought my husband had really stopped drinking but he was secretly drinking so he hadn't gone into full on withdrawal. It wasn't until he really quit that I saw how bad his addiction was. One the 3rd day of no drinking I finally brought him to the ER as he was very dehydrated from throwing up and having the shakes. I was surprised at how fast they got him in to see the Dr. After he was given medicine to calm the shakes the Dr. said that alcohol withdrawal was one of the most serious things someone can go through.....even more serious than some hard core drugs. That sure was a wake up call for my husband. The Dr. told him that he could have had a stroke or heart attack as the body really goes through a lot when the A is withdrawing. Again, this all depends on the A but my husband was drinking a lot more than I knew about. I just mention this as it is good to know the signs and be vigilant when to bring them to the hospital. My husband spent two nights in the hospital detoxing.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 1st of March 2017 08:50:29 AM
Good morning or evening, depending on what part of the world you're in!! Dear "BetterTomorrow"... it is already "better today!" Your reaching out for help, for yourself, is already making a difference in the world of alcoholism. You're not to blame for someone else's drinking. No amount of attention spent on the alcoholic will get him sober or keep him sober. Only HP could and would sober up the drunk if he/she/it (HP) were sought by the alcoholic. Loneliness and isolation are common symptoms of the untreated disease of alcoholism. Having a life of your own is actually very healthy. Our attempts to "prop-up" the alcoholic in order to save him from himself, only make things worst. All truly sober drunks had to hit their own bottom before they found sobriety for themselves. Pain is the motivator. You did not install the alcoholic buttons in your hubby...the buttons were already there before you ever met him. Alcoholics are so manipulative, that they will feed us "garbage" and we will, unknowingly, believe it. Alanon helps us weed out the Truth from the lies. We have a saying around these parts that the best way to tell if the active or "dry" alcoholic is lying, notice if his/her lips are moving. Again we are not responsible for their drinking, loneliness, anger, deception, paranoid tendencies, depression, suicidal ideations, etc., nor do we have the power to create these in their lives. These symptoms are the result of active alcoholism, "dryness", mental illness, and extreme forms of selfishness, self-centeredness, and immaturity. Enough about the alcoholic... what about you? A "better today" for you is brought about by attending Alanon meetings, step work with a female sponsor, reading Alanon lit, going to "open" AA meetings to learn more about the disease and the solutions offered to improve your program not your husband's. We can't get them sober. Their sobriety is a result of hitting their own bottom, without us interfering. They have a HP (Higher Power), too, except they may not realize it, yet. Life with an alcoholic is not always easy, but it is do-able. Your life is bound to improve by keeping the focus on you, leaning on the Alanon fellowship, and not on the alcoholic. The alcoholic will become less and less the center of your world. You, your children, and your HP will become more and more the center of your world, instead. Stay close to us in Alanon and we will help you navigate the "landmines" by sharing with you our experience, strength, and hope.
Prayers of comfort and healing for you.
I would like to reach out and rub your shoulder,BetterTomorrow, re: guilt. It does take time for us to accept that we are powerless over anothers drinking. I think its also a part of the disease where responsibility for the chaos of alcoholism is thrown desperately everywhere else except to ones own drinking self. This is another shade of denial through avoidance. As a partner, one is fighting shadows. Getting on with life in spite of his drinking.... Plenty of us come here in order to relearn how to do just that. Confessions in 12 step programmes come in Step 4, taking a fearless moral inventory. Its a loving process, not a self beating one. I hope you find a good sponsor to work the steps with. Be gentle with you in the meantime.
Thank you all for taking the time to comment, share your wisdom and send virtual hugs and thoughts. I really do appreciate that. I have decided to rename myself on the basis of your comments and call myself 'Better today' (I just need to work out how to do that in the system...). I am in the UK; the morning sun is shining and today is another day I will take another small step to be even better. Sending you peace and love on your own journeys.
Hello and welcome Better - glad that you found MIP and glad that you shared and joined right in....Alcoholism is a powerful disease and it is progressive. One is truly never cured, but recovery does give a solution for those who want a better/different way to live. As far as paranoia - each person reacts differently to the disease and because it affects all parts - mind, body, soul, emotions, etc. it certainly could cause this and other maladies.
What I had to learn ... slowly but surely - Nothing I said, did, suggested, worried about, cried about, left about, etc. changed them. So - I just closed my mouth and bit my tongue. It was very, very hard for me to do but that's what was suggested to me in the program. Live in this day only. Focus on me/my recovery. Pray as best I could when my mind floated to the welfare/health of another. Read literature. Go to meetings. Breathe, Breathe, Breathe.
These are the things I remember hearing in the beginning. My mind was screaming, "But you don't understand.....they might (insert action here - die, crash, kill another, etc.)" and the same things were suggested over and over again. The lesson I struggled with was I am completely powerless over other people, places and things. I can't affect any real changes, or disrupt a journey. I might even be postponing another persons bottom with my well-intended words, actions, etc.
So - I took long walks, bubble baths, trips to the grocery store, etc. - anything to keep my mind shut and to stop interfering in the journey of my qualifiers. I looked at me, my state, my issues and did as suggested. You are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery! Keep doing what you are doing and you'll be amazed at what happens around you. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad you are here Better and it really does get better one day at a time and it sounds like you are prepared to do what you need to do to get you better. That's a great thing!
I'm more of a reality talker as far as things go .. yes your AH is going to meetings .. no he's not sober. A drink is a drink. So it's truly wonderful that he's attending meetings I know a lot of RA's that started off in AA drunk as in drunk at meetings, drunk after a meeting and so on .. that's ok .. it's a bigger deal that he's going and he's choosing to go.
In the big scheme of things it really doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do because Alanon is about you .. he's going to do what he's going to do and all you have power over is when you touch your finger to your nose .. that's it.
I think it's harder to deal with someone who is just physically and emotionally getting sober than it is to deal with the drunk .. at least I knew what to expect with the drunk. The sober guy if you could actually call him that because he moved on to script pills .. that guy was really weird is putting it mildly. The RA's I know who have stuck it out and really been rigorously honest with their program seem to thrive and that's the beauty of the program for both sides of the coin .. how honest can you get and how much work do you want to put into you?? When you can answer those questions the stuff of what he is or isn't doing won't be so intense.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Many good things you have already put into practice, fantastic! Getting to meetings is one of the best things you can do to realize that you are not alone and there is hope.