Wow Gabigail, you've come through a lot! I love your honesty about feeling lost now with greater independence, that's great insight. To me, it sounds like your in an inbetween time. Massive health issues for significant other, ongoing financial ones, probably feels like there's no end in sight. Feels being the key word. Facts and feelings, remember. A bathroom renovation, the visual clutter doesnt help. But its a part of change and progress. It too shall pass. Feels like a chaotic mess, but is infact mere part of change leading to progress. I read transitions all through this post. Transitions are times where patience, especially with ourselves, is so important. Faith in your HP as you understand HP. You have been through a massive life change with your partners health issues. Give yourself credit.and that lessened dependence? Enjoy it, you certainly deserve it. I'm eating my own advice with that one too. I reckon if you get a chance to see how heavy the loads been over the last few years, by putting a bit down, it will give you the space to plan and regroup. I'm thinking partners decreased dependence might be that weight lifting slightly. I hope it is and wish you that respite. The job promotion missed this time.... Qtip it and remember HP always has impeccable timing. Hang in there!

Glad you're back with us ((gabigail)))  For some reason, that saying today is first day of the rest of you life came to mind after reading your post. I'll share my own experience with you concerning outbursts. Mine were negative ones. I know today that they came from stuffed feelings - repressed anger, fear and confusion. I experienced them when I was in the grief process and trying to push forward to the "new normal" as was stated by hotrod. I wondered who I'd be without this person in my life? The same could be said when in a small window of time my exah got sober while in a rehab. What would I do with myself? What's my job now that I am out of the job of getting him sober? And also, why does he have so many people giving him special attention while I've been through all of this and no one validates me? These were all things that I was internalizing an felt guilty expressing to others. Well, thank goodness for the rehab workers who directed me to Alanon. It was the beginning of letting those feeling out in a same environment, changing my focus to myself, redirecting my energy to what I could do for myself to honor my own life, learn what I liked and didn't, laugh again and pause to notice beautiful moments my higher power gifted me. I often say that Alanon turned my world from black and white to color. Honestly, I was so busy with my A, seasons would change and I didn't even notice.

I hope you won't worry too much or take personally being passed over at work a few times. Maybe it was your loving higher power protecting you, saying "not now," for a reason unknown to you. More may be revealed about all of that over time.

No doubt it comes as a relief that your A got the surgery and is doing well. I have a sober A in my home who sometimes reminds me and himself that we are living in just this 24 hour time period. There are no guarantees concerning sobriety but then that's true in all things in life isn't it? It can be hard to let go of that inclination to rescue him from himself when he's going through some life struggles. I realize though that doing so is a form of trying to control outcomes, forcing my will on another concerning their life. Heck, what do I know?  Experience taught me trying to play god with my own life didn't work out too great.

I hope you keep coming back to share and that you find a meeting you like. I understand about those very large meetings. Where I use to live, a microphone was handed around to be sure others could hear you share. Today, I might be tempted to tell a joke or sing a little song. That's tremendous progress for someone who once took a back seat and cried through the whole meeting. I did find my first sponsor in just such a meeting and courage to keep coming back and for that I am very grateful. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. It's so hard to let go and let god at times especially right after a crisis. I tended to anticipate the next. Of course, there was just as much of a chance for good things but I couldn't see it back then. If you're worrying, I hope you'll give yourself a day off from it and do something loving for you that brings serenity. My belief is hp wants the best for for each of us.  Please take what you liked and leave the rest.

In support, TT

 

 

Oh WOW TT...I now know why HP brought me to the computer chair to sit and read before my morning meeting.  So your heart has learned to use the keyboard to express great ESH to another family member.  Mahalo for that grace...((((hugs))))