The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's c2c focuses on self care, and how growing up in a dysfunctional family can result in poor self-care skills such as an inability to look after ourselves when we feel unwell. Pausing to care for ourselves can feel like self indulgence. However if we pause to observe the people around us when they are unwell, many of them do make the effort to care for themselves.
Our unrealistic expectations of ourselves might go some of the way towards explaining why we accept others efforts at self care and yet look with scorn on our own. Do we think that we have to be functioning at the top of our game at all times? Why? The reading goes on to suggest that perhaps we could even see illness as our HP's attempt to nudge us towards practicing self care.
"It is crucial to be diligent about taking care of ourselves, especially during stressful periods" (In All Our Affairs).
***
The concept of self care, especially during sickness finally made sense to me a few years ago when I became extremely ill and bedridden for around 2.5 weeks. I'd say it was the sickest I've ever been and I know in retrospect that if a doctor had seen me I probably would have been hospitalised. Instead, I just lay there alone, at first thinking sad, self pitying thoughts, like "I'm never sick. Ever. He should be insisting that I see the doctor but instead he can't even bring me a glass of water" and "I take such good care of everyone else when they are sick. And no-one cares about me when I am so, why should I? I might as well just lie here and waste away since no-one cares" And so on.
That time of being completely incapacitated WAS a gift from HP, I'm sure of it and have been ever since. It occurred to me some-time in the midst of it that I DID deserve the same care that everyone else got from me AND gave to themselves, and if no-one else was going to do it for me then I was damn well going to do it for myself. Eventually I got well enough to get myself to the doctor (lol). I made a decision to never again be in a position were I didn't even have enough money for a taxi in an emergency, and to consider my own health a worth-while emergency too. Interestingly, I never lit another cigarette after that illness either. I guess I needed a pretty huge nudge to kick in my own self preservation instinct, huh? But it's so much better this way, for me and for everyone else because I know I will never place the burden of responsibility for making sure that I am healthy on anyone but myself. And that's a much healthier way of living, I believe
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 25th of February 2017 03:50:16 AM
Thank-you Miss for a great read. And another "ahha" moment. Everything happens for a reason, in a flurry of activity I stub my toe...my HP is telling me to slow down the job will still get done. So many times my HP has spoken to me to care for myself, I do matter. Clearly I wasn't ready to listen. Thank-you for the reminder how important it is get myself well. Being so focused on things around me, I forgot I need care too.
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When it Rains, Look for Rainbows. When it's Dark, Look for Stars-unknown
Great share Ms.M. Thank you. I have become better at self care through the years of recovery , however I still tend to ignore colds andthe feeling of being tired in an effort to appear to be "super Woman". I know I am making progress when I decided to take a bubble bath and nap in the middle of the afternoon and I appreciate this as an alanon gift.
Love the alanon saying that states: Keep coming back for as long s you live keep learning how to live .
Thanks MissM,
I have has this same problem being sick and waiting for someone to notice. Sometimes it is so hard to focus on ourselves. Then it becomes a bad habit that takes a lot of effort to change. I am still learning, Alanon has really helped me though.
Hey MissM
Thanks for your service and your share. I can so relate to that reading and what you shared about it. I too have a long track record of 1- caretaking to the extreme, 2- not taking care of myself to the extreme, 3- Waiting for others to take care of me and being dissatisfied when others don't do what I do for them. In the past I have been pretty critical when people haven't helped me enough. A couple of years ago (before I came to Al Anon) I got a really bad case of food poisoning. I couldn't keep anything down I was really really sick. I had to ask for help from my AH and my mom and that was difficult for me. They didn't do things in the way I would have but they did take care of me and I found myself appreciative for anything they would do for me because I was so incapacitated and scared. I remember being up in the middle of the night sick and feeling so alone and I actually put my arms around myself and said "It's ok, you're going to be ok, you're just sick, you're going to be ok". I think that is the first time I ever was kind to myself or comforted myself. I was all alone in the middle of the bathroom on the floor consoling myself and it made me feel better. I too believe that was a lesson I couldn't have learned any other way.
More recently I had a friend pass away from a relatively routine illness. She was young, healthy, had small kids and none of it made sense to me. It struck me very hard to see this happen to such a wonderful person. Although I don't know all the details of her situation I do know that she took care of everyone else first. The sickness came into her home and she took care of everyone in her family all on her own with no other support one at a time. She was never the kind of person to ask for help. She was "Super Woman" in my eyes (and the eyes of many others). Her funeral was very focused on how much she sacrificed for everyone else in her life. I think she and I were similar in many ways but after attending that funeral I realized that although I still want to be helpful and supportive to people I don't want to be remembered that way. I want the things that people remember me for to be about who I am as a person not what I did for them. This was a wake up call for me. No one is invincible. Everyone needs help. I don't know if asking for help from others would have saved her or not but I like to think it's at least worth a try. So these two experiences have really taught me a lot about self care. Not just when I'm sick but all the time. I no longer want to be seen as "Super Woman". I'm willing to take off that cape and just be me and I will take whatever help I can get. Even if it's not perfect, even if it's not exactly what I asked for I can appreciate help from others more easily these days thanks to the program.
