The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That's how I would describe my disease in a nutshell. Always wanting more never feeling satisfied. More of everything life has to offer. Doesn't matter what it is I want to gorge until I don't want it anymore. Like the Buddhists empty ghost that's me.
God i can relate to this. I've started adding in aa meetings over the last month, and came to the conclusion theres a spiritual void I've been stuffing habitually with men, alcohol, drugs, food, shopping since hitting young adulthood. After a while, its all empty. Living sober is harder than i realised, sober from all my quick fixes that drag out to become habits and or addictions. But im glad i know me better, glad im a woman, glad for program.
God i can relate to this. I've started adding in aa meetings over the last month, and came to the conclusion theres a spiritual void I've been stuffing habitually with men, alcohol, drugs, food, shopping since hitting young adulthood. After a while, its all empty. Living sober is harder than i realised, sober from all my quick fixes that drag out to become habits and or addictions. But im glad i know me better, glad im a woman, glad for program.
When I came to learn that I could say no to myself and be satisfied with what I had and not need more that seemed too magical. I could get past my wants and be satisfied with my needs. Thank HP for those meetings on the subjects of wants and needs....rocket science lessons.
I too can relate and have gone through many different 'obsessions' during my life. I believe that your post with all the awareness speaks volumes for self-care and self-reflection. I recall the day that I became aware....it was the 'need to know' to work on it. As with most things in recovery, after awareness comes acceptance and action.
When I feel 'lacking', that's when I lean into what Betty has always suggested - those gratitude lists and asset lists. Truly, when I pause long enough to realize, I have more than enough and am more than enough.
(((Hugs))) - great post, great shares and you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I woke up this morning fretting over why what I have/experience is never enough, and why I struggle with feelings of disappointment over how things are. In this case, my sons and I are visiting friends. I am witnessing functioning families and loving relationships, where my own is so dysfunctional and now a broken family. I am seeing lives that work, and having a hard time not focusing on all the things that "could be" and "should be" had alcoholism not entered my family's life, and sucked away so much time, energy, money, focus, etc etc. And then feeling disappointment over the inevitable things that don't go right in everybody's daily lives (i.e., my son got an injury that prevented him from skiing, which is why we had come on this little trip). He was okay with it, but it didn't fill my yawning pit with the satisfaction that we were living this happy healthy life and special experience for this one day.
Then, I do try to remind myself how rich my life still is, how many assets and gratitudes I have. This helps a bit, but the hole is still there. I don't think this disease is just part of our journey - I think it's part of life on earth in our western materialistic consumeristic culture, too. But I do wonder how it has played into my A and my particular journey - it is something he has commented on over the years. Although - while he has been seemingly content with so much less - his hole also emerged, to be filled with booze. Anyhow, this is not meant to be about him - I am just pondering what is this hole, and why is it so pervasive. And whoever said it is to be, and can be, filled by HP... yes, that seems to be a much better solution than beating myself up over it.
Oh goodness, can I relate! I always feel I am never enough. I am a people pleasing perfectionist always striving to find balance in my character defects and to see the good that they have brought me, along with the pain.
I also remind myself that feelings aren't facts and I ask myself the question that my sponsor always asks me, "what is the truth?"
I work very hard to not make my partner responsible for my emptiness, for my 'holes' that need to be filled. Only I can find those answers and only my HP has the path open for me to follow. It's a battle I fight daily because I am trying to balance my feeling of not being enough with my thoughts that tell me I AM enough. I fight feelings vs thoughts all the time because if my thoughts follow my feelings, then I am in deep trouble, lol. Hugs, El Cee. I completely understand. Thanks for sharing!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Yup! Me too! A disease of more. A feeling of dis ease. I can't always trust my thoughts and feelings. If I'm looking externally to fill this dis ease, I'm heading back toward old behaviors. Codependency's. Looking outside to fill an inner void. What I have found it's always temporary. Pleasure that lasts a short time and then I'm left with myself again. Looking for more or something different to make me feel better. This is where Step 3 becomes important to me. Turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand God. Practicing the remaining Steps in all my affairs and realizing it's an inside job. The Program builds you from the inside out, the opposite of outside in. It seems the more I care for myself and trust that God has everything taken care of- the better I feel and the more I have to offer myself and others. Amazing stuff.
