The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What do you do when you NEED to set a boundary but you just can't because of the repercussions that would result? There is one particular behavior my AH does that (still) just infuriates me. I have read enough on here and also just feel in myself that that means I need to set a boundary regarding that behavior. But the only way I can enforce this boundary would be to kick him out which I absolutely cannot afford to do right now, nor am I sure I am emotionally ready to take that step. So here I am spinning my wheels being enraged by this behavior and basically telling him I won't tolerate it but showing him that I will. I still fight with him over it because when I get that mad, I WANT to make him mad too. I'm not going to let him enjoy this, no way! Yes I realize this is sick thinking but I can't enforce my boundary, and I can't be serene about the behavior either. So not sure what to do here and just FYI there are no f2f meetings where I live so I can't go to any.
I believe that acceptance is the key. I have found that being angry and resentful only hurts me. If I accept the h fact that being powerless over others clearly set me free to detach from their negative behavior and validate myself.
Go for a walk. There's heaps of things i hate too, but as Hotrod says,am powerless to change. Not powerless over me. I can walk out of a room, not engage, read a book, clean, go to a meeting. Online if need be. It goes against my every instinct of course, but i feel clean.
Hi Jayla. Sounds like the alcoholic is doing what alcoholics do... whirling around like a destructive tornado in other's lives. My sponsor once asked me, "If a real tornado was barreling down on you, wouldn't you run for cover to protect yourself?" The answer was, "Yes!" My sponsor helped me develop a "plan" of action that would protect me from the assaults of untreated alcoholism. Small, baby steps at first. Some great suggestions have already been mentioned in previous posts. We are powerless in Step 1 over other's behaviors, however, we are not helpless. Getting an Alanon sponsor and speaking daily was/is a real asset. Getting to "face to face" Alanon meetings, even if they're miles away, is so powerful. Years ago, my community had so few Alanon meetings and none on the weekends which I desperately needed to survive. The tornado winds of the alcoholic's behavior were slamming me so hard, I felt trapped and wanted to die. Then a suggestion came to me from my HP... "Why not start a new Alanon meeting on the weekend?" With only 3 months in the program, I fully doubted my ability to do such a thing. So I spoke with my sponsor about the nudging from HP, just to get her feedback. Secretly thinking and hoping she would steer me away from the "God Task" because of my young age in the program, instead she said, "When will this meeting be started and where... this certainly needs to be announced and put in the schedule, soon!" The commitment had been made by God and my sponsor...I just followed directions. The same weekend meeting just celebrated its 28th year on Feb 12th, with approx. 60 people in attendance. It's one of the strongest and most actively attended Alanon meetings in the tricounty area. Who knew what miracles God would perform. That meeting saved my life and others. God gets the credit for all of it!
Hi Jayla,
It is hard to detach and think clearly when you are living with an alcoholic. When I began Alanon many people told me Alcoholics are great at taking hostages. I had to really analyze where my thoughts and actions were coming from. I think we sometimes get in a tug of war with the people we love because we don't want to be hurt anymore, and we make demands. I found, I was in fact just acting the same as my qualifier, trying to make him see that No Way was I accepting this or that in my life. I finally learned to choose my battles wisely and just walk away and find something to distract my attention for the time being. Giving things to my higher power for a little while was very helpful too.
It's not easy to avoid the 'storm' around when the disease is active. I, like Betty, relied heavily on acceptance. When 'those behaviors' began - the ones where I thought I would pull my hair out (or their hair), I would literally leave the room (bathroom/laundry room were safe places) and recite the serenity prayer over and over and over again. As I 'grew in recovery', I would literally lace up my shoes, grab the dog + phone and go for a walk. I would dial up a trusted program friend or sponsor and talk about it....talk it out. I also joined a gym, would go to the grocery store, window-shop (WalMart is open 24 hours), etc....anything to remove myself from 'the behavior'.
As my sanity returned and I had bouts of serenity, I could literally be around the person and the behavior, and almost feel as if I were in a bubble - God's protection of me. I learned in recovery that all of their behavior, actions, words, etc. has nothing to do with me. It's all about them. Lean into you, your recovery and what others suggest - there is hope and help in recovery.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There are some good ideas here thank you. I'll be taking some time to digest and decide what might work for me. Is it possible to have an online sponsor when a person is doing online meetings? The nearest f2f meeting is 1.5 hours away from me and only held during the work week so it's just not possible for me to go there right now.
Hi Hayla, not that I have ever known. The program utilizes face to face meetings and live sponsors to the best of my knowledge. I'm not sure if the local one you mentioned awhile back is still there and how you feel about it a few months later and with the situation taking a heavier toll on you.
AlAnon literature is something else that carries tremendous healing power and recovery direction. Intended to be a piece of recovery, it can't do it all, but it provides incredible insight on the thoughts, principles and perspectives that can help guidance and healing. Daily readers are small but pack tremendous power and wisdom on virtually every topic, including quite a bit on how boundaries work and can protect us.
Hang in there, thoughts and strength to you
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
