Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

2accept · Member

When you hate an alcoholic...what then?

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HI,

Maybe you just need to have a no contact policy with this person. Getting them out of your life when they seem so toxic can give you some breathing room.

Also, meetings. When I thought I hated my wife after a couple DUIs and tens of thousand in legal/medical bills, Al Anon helped me to understand, feel, and work through the anger.

Kenny

shrnp · Senior Member

Hello 2accpet.
I have been in your place, it is not a nice feeling. Alanon teaches us to set boundaries because we deserve a better life. I find myself reading the Serenity prayer and repeating some of the sayings over and over again some days. Today, I printed some things and taped them in places I could read them around my house. Try taking a break and find a meeting, there are online meetings also.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the "do" suggestions that I get from the fellowship rather than just the think ones. The "do" one involve my behavior investment which is real and gives me experiences I can fall back on later on. The emotion of hate was frightening for both my alcoholic/addict wife and myself because when I was consumed with it that almost cost her life and at the time I didn't know what I hated. I am blessed to have found out that I didn't hate her...I hated the disease which kept coming back at us taking more and more and more until there seemed to be nothing left.

She was powerless over drugs and alcohol and so was I and the hate was maddening. After one violent attack she took or tried to take the guilt away from me by telling me "I deserve it" and that made me shrink in fear...No one, especially a sick person deserves the violent response which is centered in fear. Yes I was afraid before I was angry because I could not control or cure something I didn't cause. The 3Cs of our program need to be understood because of the power it brings.

The 2nd step began to have spiritual power in my life especially when I came to understand the last word in it. "Came to believe that a Power Greater Than Myself could lead me to SANITY. Was I insane??? I would shrink at the thought that anyone saw the pictures of my wife after my rage almost took her life.

The what then for me was that my sponsor suggested that I get away from all things "Alcohol" (unquote) which included my family of origin and my alcoholic addict wife. I didn't have a problem leaving my family and I cried like a baby parting from my wife. Who cares though we are not any longer married I did not cause her demise and my HP used her as a metaphor for me in humility.

The reading at the close of our meetings state "If you keep and open mind, you will find help". That is certain because the open mindedness allowed(s) me to hear so much more ESH than I could imagine on my own. I heard and now own a definition for sanity which I will never forget and which guides me on a daily basis. "A continuous....and orderly, process of thought" so very much different than my emotions with and for my alcoholic/addict.

I hope any of this has been of help. Keep coming back cause this works when your work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

The oldest suggestion of all. Break the isolation and get to meetings. As many as you can. When the addict is the sun around which i orbit, life sucks. Maybe moon is better analogy, stop being the tide in anyway possible. They pull you down, down, down.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I too suggest meetings. I too at one time wished my AH would pass away - it really would have made many things 'easier' in my way of thinking. Of course, it took me finding recovery to realize that is distorted thinking and I have choices always - not always easy ones - but I am not stuck any place I don't want to be.

Recovery in Al-Anon gave me back my sanity and self-esteem to figure all this out. Lean into recovery and focus on you - it's an amazing, rewarding journey full of help and hope!!

Mcat54 · Veteran Member

I use podcasts like recoveryshow.com, alanon and aa speakers on YouTube, thoughts for the day on hazeldenBettyford.org as resources with 12-step focused info. I read the hazelden site as I walk from car to my desk every morning. Lots of ESH online for walks or while doing mindless tasks around the house. The wisdom shared inevitably leaves me with some new insight. This and meetings and fellowship have helped me not to monitor, count, obsess, focus, marinate in what the A is or isn't doing. I was advised to turn that obsession to myself and look at what I need to examine. That's where I have control -- over what I do, think, choose.

-- Edited by Mcat54 on Friday 24th of February 2017 07:27:21 AM

2accept · Member

Mcat, thank you for the links... I'll use them and pass them along to sponsees. Have a great day, regardless if the alcoholic is sober, dry, wet, or crazy!! Peace comes by way of our surrender to the God of our understanding. Can't fix them... don't even try to!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The only things that have helped me with resentment and anger that bad is to make a concerted effort to make my own life better. Hard to be angry much at all when I am busy enjoying different things. Other than that, it helped me to think "Is it fun for the A to be that way? Would I want to trade places?" Hell no! That took the sting out of it a tiny bit for me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Great response Pink...thanks for the reminder! (((hugs))) wink

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

There are some great responses here. Meetings and focusing on myself are the best cure for those feelings. I have shared this in the past but an Al Anon friend from my group will ask me (when I'm in a state like you described) "What do you need right now?" and after I answer he will ask "and how can you get that for yourself?" When I catch myself in a state like that I will ask myself those two questions and then follow through. Sometimes I need it repeated "what do YOU need right now?" Because I can get very focused on others. Surprisingly my answers are usually pretty simple...."Sleep, a walk, some space, to talk to vent". Wishing you all the best with this.

kaotob · Member

You have gotten a lot of really good suggestions. I'll add a couple more. I find it really helpful to write sometimes. I had a separate notebook where I wrote "I hate my mother" hundreds of times. It was also really helpful for me to go to open AA meetings to really come to accept that alcoholism is a disease that no one would ever choose to have. It helped me to learn to hate the disease, hate the behavior, and to not hate the person quite so much. I was eventually able to take all of the letters I wrote to my mother and burn them, and let go of the hate.

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

Realizing I had a choice was one of the best things I found in Al-anon. I had a choice whether or not a stayed in a relationship with an A. Setting boundaries when said A was active was the only way I could maintain my serenity and sanity at times. Having a backup plan was also a great thing to have in my back pocket and helped to alleviate the fear of the unknown.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene