The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm supposed to take AS to dinner tonight. His AGF is off from work and he wants her to come. I don't want to see her but if she can't come he will get angry. My husband will also be very angry with me if I let her come. He was just starting to reach out to me again. Any experiences you can share to help me would be appreciated. Thanks, Beth
Beth - my greatest learning in recovery has been creating boundaries that work for me, and sticking to them. Both of my sons have had 'friends' that I was not fond of. For each scenario, I had to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean...
I also had to examine my motives. With each boundary I created, I needed to see if it was in support of my recovery and me or was it punitive and restrictive of others? This examination gets easier with time in program and practice.
Finally, for each 'plan' with my boys, active or not, I've always found a Plan B to be helpful. I too am sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. My sponsor always suggested I focus on the three Cs when these scenarios came up - that helped too as I needed constant reminders that my actions, words, reactions, etc. would not affect a change on their disease, recovery, bottom, etc.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I would go and try hard to look for positives in this girl. If he likes her or loves her then for me that deserves respect really. Otherwise what is our motives, are we judging another person or choices? If so, then maybe we are operating from our own flaws and shortcomings. What would be so hard for you and your husband? unless you blame her for your sons troubles which is incorrect if were alanon then we believe we cant cause it, cure it or control it and the same goes for anybody in your sons life.
There was many people in my daughters life that I did not like or thought were a bad influence when she was active. It made no difference to her my opinion of them or the relationship and certainly did not affect the outcome of her actions. For me it worked best and gave me peace to accept what I could. If I wanted to see my daughter and she chose to bring someone along that I did not like I had a choice. I could either stay home or decline to meet up which I did a couple times as I simply could not be in that persons presence without going off. Other times I chose to go and bit my tongue all the while remembering the three C's and that none of these people were responsible for her current state.
Not a suggestion as much as an insight...i tended to love more the people my mother hated. She was always right, but i could never admit it when struggling for power over my own life with her. Detach as best you can.
