The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert.
I have never had much of trust in others being there for me, for fear of abandonment. There have been the times that I have allowed myself to trust in others but in doing so there have been many disappointments.
I am once more struggling with the fear of abandonment. My F2F sponsor is leaving for a month and I am afraid. I can in my head rationalize that nothing will happen and I can in my head rationalize that even if it did happen I am strong enough to survive! But rationalizing is one thing and not fearing it is another. I know feelings aren’t facts but what do I do with my feelings?
I have trouble reaching out for help. I am cautious as to who I open up to. I don't have other people on my phone lists who I feel comfortable talking to, let alone calling. I don’t want to put this on my sponsor and have her either worried or hamper her trip. I don’t want to be a burden. I don't want this fear to overwhelm me. I don’t know what to do.
Can anyone please give some insight as to how they have dealt with their fears of abandonment.
That's funny that you posted about abandonment. I sit here late tonight feeling abandoned and by the definition I truly have been abandoned by my A. He literally walked out the door almost a year ago. Finding out where this came from has helped me. My parents abandoned me emotionally I think. In spite of giving me other gifts it set me up to be abandoned in my adult life.
What to do? My readings tell me that my A can't fill me up. I have to do that myself with self esteem, self care, and good boundaries. I tend to take everything to the core. My readings say as codependents we have screwed up thinking. Like your sponsor, she isn't abandoning you, she is just taking care of herself! So our feelings start with our thoughts. Good thoughts, good feelings, rational thoughts, rational feelings.
We need to ask for help. I had difficulty with this in that I asked my A for everything and it was too much for him. Now I am learning that there is help everywhere in a lot of different forms. I have received help from strangers and in some of the most unlikely places. And we have to view it for what it is - just help.
We all have a higher power for solace, guidance and support. I am trying to let go to open myself up to the plan that my HP has for me. I am sure that your HP is waiting to help you.
I too am scared of abandonment--why I have no idea!! In reading your post it really made me think. I am so afraid that my a is going to abandon me. Why? Reading the true definition of abandonment he already has left!!!! He may be living in my home, but he definitely isn't helping or supporting me. Thanks for teaching me the true definition!
Now to you--in your head you know you aren't being abandoned, but sometimes we have a hard time hearing the realness in our heads!! What Nancy said is so true, your sponsor is taking care of herself. When she takes care of herself she is better for those around her, which means when she gets back she will be better for you. I know, I know still the feelings--
Why not try something like writing to her everyday--not sending her the letters, but you could hold on to them and give them to her when she returns and discuss them. You could right your fears down and then talk to yourself words that you think she may use. Also if you are able come to this site more while she is gone. Especially if you have a hard time opening up, this site may lend itself to you being able to do that better, because noone here sees you.
I don't have anything that will take those feelings away. As much as they stink sometimes we just have to deal with them and just keep talking to ourselves in a positive way to hopefully get to where we override the negative thoughts in our heads.
I, too, struggle with abandonment feelings. It's so tough, especially if your support circle is small, and your best source of support is leaving for a month. When I've had similiar times, here are the things that have really helped me:
Challenging my thoughts: This has been important because it helps me recognize the difference between feelings and facts. In the left hand column, I write down what I'm thinking and in the right hand column, I write the reality. For example, left side might say: She's abandoning me! Write side might say: Her leaving for a month will be tough! I will definitely miss her wise words! But, it is not abandoment because she is coming back.
Setting intentions: I spent Christmas alone this year (due to a recent break-up), I was worried that I would feel lonely and abandoned, so I set an intention for the holiday time. I decided that I wanted the time to be relaxed and joyful. Then, I made small plans for each day to support that intention.
Sharing my feelings: Sharing my fears (without any attempt to guilt the other person or make them feel bad) also helps me so much. Just getting my worst fears out there and acknowledged can really help.
I hope you do nice things for yourself during this time!
