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level.
I just watched a movie that reminded me of being a kid and the dreams I had, grand dreams, little dreams, pure imagination dreams. Anything from building a wooden box to being a fairy princess, some I followed through on (the wooden box) others did not pan out (fairy princess thing).
I'm not quite sure yet where my thoughts are leading on this so bear with me ... Somewhere along this path of life my dreams of things I could do or dreams of what would happen in my life became fantasies instead. I know that is not uncommon for someone in my situation to have a fantasy of life without the A, life without the alcohol/drugs and all it entails, heck I have even fantasied about how much easier life would be if my A passed on. (that's a hard to one to admit to)
BUT when and where did my dreams that I believed with all my heart could happen even if it were unlikely (there's that fairy princess thing again) turn into fantasies of "oh I wish this would magically occur"? Someone once asked me if i had a wish that was guaranteed to come true what would it be? The only answer I could come up with that felt good inside was that i wished that peron would be happy. Maybe wishes are better that way given away, and fantasy is an illusion.
My imagination and my dreams though are different ... more along the lines of if I can imagine or dream it up I can build it. Power of positive thinking versus illusions?
It would explain why I am happiest doing work in construction, if my brain can think of it between the resources around me and my own hard work I can make it happen, even if compromises have to be made along the way.
I had a slight problem for the last hour or so trying to think of a dream, I am out of practice. Sitting here writing this though Sully is sleeping under my chair ... worse yet he is snoring LOUD and it is only gonna get worse as he grows. I closed my eyes and saw us a couple years from now, playing ball in the yard, taking a walk, healthy and happy. Fantasy ... nope, a dream I can work on a little every day to make it happen.
I am hoping that having one little healthy dream will give birth to many more leaving very little room for unhealthy fantasies. And get my head, heart and soul back to where it belongs.
What a beautiful post! Thank you so much Jennifer. It's so easy to get bogged-down in the mire of negativity surrounding alcoholism/addiction and it's effects. It's also easy, in my case, to get so carried-away with the joys of recovery that i forget to 'dream' about other non-alcohol related things. I suppose for me that alcoholism insinuated itself into every aspect of my life so inevitably even the good stuff got tied to it. Thanks to Al-anon, the fellowships, the program and the adorable people in it, I'm able to make choices today about what I think but it hadn't occured to me to make choices about what I dream. I'm taking that idea on-board and am off now to dream some wonderful dreams and I'll be sure to say hello to my gorgeous little fairytale princess while I'm there!
Wow, i THOUGHT I was the only one who had fantasy dreams that the A died in his disease. I could even picture his funeral, all the flowers, the beautiful mucis, and being so sad, yet feeling relief that the craziness was gone and he was at peace. All my friends would gather around me, and say they didn't know how I managed. I would just say I loved him.
Stupid, weird, fantasy. I don't want my A dead! I just want the man back that I fell in love with, and I want to be the woman he fell in love with. Not a creeping, afraid to rock the boat, enabling, crying, depressed blob I have become.
I know I cannot change my A, but I am changing myself, ODAT. I have not had that weird fantasy/dream in a long time, either.
I am going to keep working on my program and getting better. I will do this for me.
I do hope my A chooses to come home, and be around the new improved me. I think he would be surprised. I know I am!\\
This was/is a beautiful post. Sad as it is I too have had dreams of my a dying. I would be so sad and yet so relieved for the roller coaster life to be gone. I sometimes feel that if he isn't going to get better that it would be better for him to die while I love him, I just don't want to end up hating him!!!! Sometimes this life can be so overwhelminly sad!!
I am glad you found a dream. I do hope it leads to more. Keep taking care of you.
Thank you so much Jennifer. It's so easy to get bogged-down in the mire of negativity surrounding alcoholism/addiction and it's effects. It's also easy, in my case, to get so carried-away with the joys of recovery that i forget to 'dream' about other non-alcohol related things. I suppose for me that alcoholism insinuated itself into every aspect of my life so inevitably even the good stuff got tied to it. Thanks to Al-anon, the fellowships, the program and the adorable people in it, I'm able to make choices today about what I think but it hadn't occured to me to make choices about what I dream. I'm taking that idea on-board and am off now to dream some wonderful dreams and I'll be sure to say hello to my gorgeous little fairytale princess while I'm there! 
