The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Excuse me if I ramble. I just can't get my thoughts in order. I hadn't heard from my son in weeks. I was starting to get a bit unnerved. Last we had talked he was having BP and HR problems and I was worried. My ex and I decided to send an email telling him he had to call (not text) us by noon the next day or we were going to do a well check. He called me the next morning at 5:30 am and was so angry. How dare we send the cops to that house. He would lose his housing! After a few minutes I was able to calm him down. Told him how much we loved him and that he needed to stay in touch. We were concerned about his health. We talked for about 30 min. and he agreed to have dinner with me. I picked up my AS last Friday. I hadn't seen him since New Year's Eve and before that it was Summer. His hair was almost down to his shoulders so the first thing I did was take him to get a hair cut. I did it more for me than him. He was extremely appreciative. He didn't ask but was thrilled when I asked if he wanted one. We then went on to dinner; he was so laid back and unemotional. Very odd for him when he was clean. His GF was at work. She is an addict as well and on probation for Larceny. He LOVES her so much; she is the best thing that has every happened to him. :( He is living with a guy that is also an addict. Wow, what a great life. My AS says he doesn't like it there and they are trying to get out but he has no job and no prospects. AS told me that they guy has AIDS and has all kinds of prescriptions. Said there is traffic in and out of the house all day and night; he is selling his drugs. Feb 23 the GF's mom is getting out of prison for her 2nd round for home invasion!!!! AND my son is excited to meet her!! Mind you, he grew up in a middle class divorced family. He knew right from wrong, he knew good from bad. How on earth did we get here??? I have a contact at the Sheriff's department; she told me that everything I told her made her believe that they are making Meth. I didn't give all the details to you, too long! I am trying to come to terms that my son will end up in prison when everything goes down. Not if it happens but when it happens. I am struggling to wrap my head around this. I am pretty sure based on his behavior; he is using the prescription drugs. I haven't been reading here daily like I was and I can tell. Somehow I have to get back to my program! We leave for vacation next Friday. I asked my son if I could see him before we left; he said yes. Now I don't know if I want to. He is so lost and his eyes are so sad, I don't think I can take it. This seems so surreal.
I know how hard it is to let go. Sometimes I think about what it is Ime trying to let go of. When I think of my son it's letting go of my idea and memories of him as a little boy. He's not a little boy any longer. He doesn't need mummy to save him. I work to let go of my idea or hopes of a good life for him. A good life may very well be part of his journey and the road he's on right now may be necessary. Also I need to let go of my own self righteousness me being his mother doesn't make me God and I can't judge him and his choices just because it's not my way of living. I'm not an expert and I'm not judge and jury. I'm doing the best with what I know and so is he. All I can do is love him exactly as he is in the moment. Trust he has a higher power and pray for him. Remembering that the crisis especially that I fear so badly are often needed for the good changes I want badly too.
(((Beth))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers - I totally understand your pain and struggles. I have 2 sons, both affected with this disease. The various emotional feelings I have felt are almost difficult to put into words. I do know that looking back, the times there were incarcerated were the times I was most 'at peace' - I felt they were safer in jail than out of jail. Both have been in at least 5 treatment centers, one also in 2 MH centers. They are only 24 and 22 - the struggle is real.
I tried everything under the sun to fix, change, control, cure, ignore, etc. 'them' and things only improved when I dove into Al-Anon and worked the program. It was a one minute at a time program for a while, especially when one/both was missing and I did not know if they are alive or dead. I give them up each morning to God and many times during the day as well. They are not 'lost' to me, they are instead under the care and protection of their own loving higher power who is in charge of their journey.
I still have anxiety and sadness at times. I still have fear and uncertainty at times. I still freak out and worry at times. These are the moments I reach out to trusted program friends or sponsor who can 'talk me down' and help me realize that right here and right now, I am OK.
It took me a long while to stop blaming myself for the path they are on and the disease that they have. I did not 'see' this nor did they. It's a baffling and powerful disease and my hope is their journey includes recovery at some point. I truly only want them happy, joyous and free - that's what I pray for...
You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"I give them up each morning to God and many times during the day as well. They are not 'lost' to me, they are instead under the care and protection of their own loving higher power who is in charge of their journey."
Thank you, IAH. This part of your response resounded with me this morning. I have more than one qualifier in my life, as my adult AD struggles with sobriety.....and I don't believe she is winning at this point. I can see her marriage slowly coming apart and I have mentioned Al-anon a couple of times to my son-in-law. It is up to him, however. I also have to keep reminding myself that she has her loving HP to turn to and she has in the past, so I can only pray that she will again.
I also went through a period of questioning my parenting and taking blame for her disease....because where the heck did it come from?? Like most of us here, our children were raised in loving homes where they knew right from wrong and were sweet, loving children. They still ARE sweet and loving, but it is suffocated by the disease. It is so sad to watch and digest, but if we could fix it, we would have YEARS ago.
