Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

jitsuka · Senior Member

I just feel sad and depressed.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((jitsuka))) - so sorry that you're 'stuck' - I've been there and done that...my best suggestion is dive into recovery. It truly saved me from my own thinking over and over and over again.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!

kaotob · Member

I know the feeling of wishing that someone who caused me pain was dead. I just wanted something to take the pain away and that seemed like the best answer. For me what helped was working the Al-Anon program until I started to change. Nothing changed with the other person, but I got help and found that I could be happier regardless of what someone else was doing. Going to extra meetings and making phone calls helped me realize that I wasn't alone. I'm glad you shared your feelings here and I hope you cal also reach out in person.

hugs and prayers,
Kelly

Suburban Denizen · Veteran Member

((jitsuka))

Been there, felt that. While I have not been interested in actively harming anyone, it would cross my mind that if his plane went down that would be just fine with me.

This program did really help lift my spirits and feel some interest in life. What I found most helpful was working with others - in the beginning I felt like a student, listening, asking questions, reading a lot - both program lit and this board. It didn't take very long for that to sink in and help me develop a network of peoople with whom I could share my feelings, questions, and views. More quickly than I would have thought, I found myself helping newcomers, and that was really a turning point - remembering how anxious I was initially made me want to help other newbies feel more comfortable. All of this helped me take my focus off how miserable I was and turned my attention to a broader view of life...and it helps put things more into perspective.

I'm still with my narcissistic, verbally-abusive RAH, and I can and do feel sorry for myself at times. But...I've slowly developed an attitude of "Whatever happens, happens. I can cope." I may choose to kick him out, he may leave, we may manage to work things out - but now I know I'll be OK, and I know I'll know what to do about stuff as it arises. I was a little astonished when I realized that happened, the return of my self-esteem and a more realistic perspective on life really sneaked up on me, but in retrospect I can see how much my attitude changed, and that was enough to move from constant sadness/misery into mostly appreciating the good things around me. I still do get upset, but it's not the deep, soul-shattering despair I felt when entering the program.

I wish you all good things, and hope that you find peace and comfort.

Mike B · Senior Member

Hi Jitsuka, sorry to hear you're in a rough spot. Like other's have mentioned- dive into The Program and start focusing on the only person you can change- YOU. When I've been in these spots- I've prayed and then took action. Prayed and took action. God and The Program will carry you through anything if you allow them too.

jitsuka · Senior Member

Mike B wrote:
Hi Jitsuka, sorry to hear you're in a rough spot. Like other's have mentioned- dive into The Program and start focusing on the only person you can change- YOU. When I've been in these spots- I've prayed and then took action. Prayed and took action. God and The Program will carry you through anything if you allow them too.

I wish I could. I'm finding it practically impossible to get to any f2f meetings really. My mood is slightly better, probably more to do with the seasons getting better and more sunlight. I don't really hold much hope for my relationship quite frankly. I think I'm just waiting until youngest gets a bit older (she's 9yrs old now) and then I'm just going to leave this empty relationship. I don't feel anything for my alcoholic partner. Nothing. I don't feel physically attracted to her, emotionally connected or anything. We've not had sex in over 2 years and quite frankly I don't want to. How sh*t does all that sum up this so called relationship. It's just empty.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember feeling those feelings myself and was so fortunate to be in program when they were running my spirit into the ground. The surprising part was the being in program part so that I could work thru and out of the terrible negative emotions and arrive at loving her again with no justification to be married. I married her for the wrong reasons at first and my sponsor gave me the guidance on how to correct those mistakes. She got clean and sober before we parted and my HP was able to use that to help me grow a lot. I pray she remains clean and sober cause she was a beautiful child of God with a fatal disease. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

jitsuka · Senior Member

Was hoping to get out to a meeting today as without the kids but there aren't any during the day! Darn! Still feeling pretty down on myself really,

shrnp · Senior Member

Hi jitsuaka,
They have online meetings. If you cannot get to a face to face. I do not drive right now, so they have been really helpful.

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Curlyblu · Senior Member

(((jitsuka))) I hope your day is better. I can totally relate. Can't count the times I would lay in bed while my AH was passed out on the couch, and say things like I hate you, I'm so bleeping mad, just drop dead already. Having read many uplifting shares in this group I realized that those statements were damaging me. However I was feeling at the time, I was focusing on negativity. Before I came here I would said to someone who said the above to me....how can I be anything but negative look at what is happening in my life. Someone shared one simple statement on post here that said "Bless them, change me" Dropped me to my knees! I hand him or anyone else in my life over to the powers that be, while doing that...please change me to be what I was created to be. Time will show what exactly that is. Now that I am ready to listen. Sending you positive thoughts.

jitsuka · Senior Member

hanks curlyblu, shrmp , I'm in the UK . I wish I had some of that serenity as right now there's nothing I'd like more than she succumbed to this disease. The way their alcoholic behaviour and the crap I put up with every evening.

Curlyblu · Senior Member

Even if the drinker in our lives without the death part. Our healing would not be any easier or faster. I would be left just as angry if not more so. For me this is where the detachment has come into play. I have made the choice to hand this over to a higher power. The 3Cs are so important to me right now. Look after you first. The smallest step is in the right direction.

jitsuka · Senior Member

Had a minor disagreement. Shouldn't have got drawn in. The alcoholic beligerent person. I had my phone on record incase of any events and to protect myself. Managed to keep calm just repeating ' I don't want to talk about this right now ' knowing there is no point with an active drinker. I'm deeply unhappy at having really unpleasant things said to me . No point in reacting. I've put my thoughts in a load of 'I' statements in a text to myself. I may send it before going to bed. I wish she was dead to free me from this prison

Curlyblu · Senior Member

(((jitsuka))) I feel for you right now. To think straight is so difficult.

jitsuka · Senior Member

Sent the "I" text. Don't care quite frankly. She can see the consequences of her behaviour without the fog of alcohol to forget. Saying stuff like daughter hates me and loves her. What a mean nasty thing to say. Quite hard to detach from that sort of thing. I'm spending time on my own today.

Curlyblu · Senior Member

I hope your day is going better today. It's a new day.

Hurtful words are so difficult to get past. Remember the 3Cs. I hope you have found the support and encouragement in the share within this group. We are never alone in this. This group has shown me that.

jitsuka · Senior Member

Thank you curlyblu. The A managed to damage my eldest daughter's phone (daughter with my ex, have shared care and she's here for the school half term vacation this week ) . Anyway, phone is water damaged so she's going to have to pay up for a replacement iPhone. That's an expensive sobering lesson. Around Â£200 worth

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene