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My AH is a DJ at a local bar and because he can't be trusted not to drink and drive and he's already wrecked his own car this past summer drinking and driving I drive him to work. He knows I HATE him working in a bar but somehow he's guilted me into taking him. Anyway, one night in November I picked him up from work and he was in "evil" drunk mode. He's mean and scary and he ended up beating me up where I thought he would kill me. He went to jail and the court ordered him to not drink until trial 2 months later. During that time he was very sorry, made all kinds of promises to me and our 3 kids and turned back into my best friend that I fell in love with. Of course just a few days after everything was settled with the court he was back working at the bar and drinking. So I told him if he drinks at the bar I will Not pick him up and he can't come home because me and the kids are scared when he drinks. Sometimes he's a happy drunk and once in a while he will become the evil drunk who creates stories in his drunken state and believes them and becomes angry over things that have never happened. But once again, I don't keep my boundaries and I have been taking him to work at 9 and picking him up at 2. Luckily he's been a happy drunk until last night. He started making up stories and demanding that I tell him the details of something that has NEVER happene. Then he gets mean, calls me all kinds of names, etc. Even as drunk as he is he swears he's not going to hurt me. But the fear I have when he gets like that is indescribable. My heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest. Even after he passes out I stay awake just in case he wakes up and goes crazy. So I never went to sleep last night, got up at 6:30 with our baby and to go to work. once he sobered up i told him if he drinks he's just going to have to find his own way home. I just can't keep going without sleep. So tonight when I dropped him off he told me he's going to drink so he's just going to ask a woman or someone for a ride and he might not be home until the morning. I know this is part of his manipulation but it is killing me!! And now I've almost been up 48 hours with no sleep and I can't fall asleep because I can't stop thinking about him going home with another woman. But I have to start somewhere with the boundaries. And I know if he calls me at 2 I'm going to hop up to go and pick him up. Grrr!! Why do I do that? I'm just so broken!
-- Edited by Dlove on Thursday 9th of February 2017 10:25:43 AM
(Dlove)) I am so sorry that this is happening and you are not able to sleep. I think you answered your own question as to why you do this-- it is because you are afraid of his going with another woman.
Knowing that you are a precious human being and that you and your children have basic human rights to a peaceful home where you all can rest and feel safe is a start in the right direction. if he is going to work in the bar then another arrangement needs to be made . Taking care of yourself means that you review your needs see that you need to rest (because you have a demanding job) and that drivng out at 2 AM interrupts this process then coming up with a "plan B" Is it possible for you to draw a boundary so that you accept that he can call a cab or have another bar patron drive him home.
Having the Courage to Change is difficult Attending alanon meetings helped me to develop the self esteem and self worth needed to take a stand and it worked.
As you are aware, you and the children's safety are extremely important, so that if he becomes dangerous in your home, calling 911 helps or driving to the police station if you are out . There are also abused women hot lines listed in the telephone book. Please check these out as well. You are not alone.
I recognise this type of dysfunction, I lived like this too and another person completely controlled me even down to not getting sleep. It doesnt have to be this way, im glad you have brought it here. I broke out of this cycle, I took my own power back, I got strong and I vowed this will never happen to me again. The best thing you can do for you and your children is go to an Alanon meeting, learn this program and change WILL happen, otherwise this is going to continue and get worse and worse and he will likely beat you again.
When I was living with abuse like you are I remember feeling as though I had no choices, this was wrong, there is always choices, always. I also remember feeling that it was my fault and I needed to just stop... whatever or say ... whatever. I had all these excuses and blamed myself. This was wrong too, this is not your fault, there is nothing you can do to change this man but you can change you so that you will stop accepting unacceptable behaviour. Our children learn from our example, if you cant get the strength for you to do whats right then do it for them, show them that you never ever have to live in fear. I hope you get to a meeting, it was the best thing I ever did and I will never let myself be abused again.
Thank you so much! Yes, fear of him being with another woman if he doesn't come home, fear of being abused if he does come home. Neither situation is a win win. I have to continue to keep my focus on me and the kids which includes getting sleep. Thank you for your advice. It helped keep me from falling apart tonight.
-- Edited by Dlove on Thursday 9th of February 2017 10:24:57 AM
Dlove I too have kind of similar situation with the drinking AH and abuse. I am going to start Al-Anon meetings this weekend. I know as women we want happiness and love especially when we are married with Kids. It's time to focus on ourselves and it starts now. I am scarred myself but I know a "Higher Power" (for me God) is in control of EVERYTHING! The one saying that I keep telling myself since I read it on here is "I can't Control it, I can't Change it, and I didn't Cause it." It really has kept me focused and lots of prayers. I will post after I attend a meeting. My AH actually thinks he can attend the Al-Anon meetings with me. I had to explain to him that it is only for spouses, friends and family members. That he needs to focus on him and go to AA. He has 30 days to either move out or go to Rehab. So we will see if it sinks in and I have to stay strong and not let him try to change my mind.
(((Dlove))) that's such a hard situation. I can relate to some of it. My AH also works in a bar-type atmosphere and loves to use the threat (implied usually) that he will be with other women if I do things like go to the gym, go out for drinks with my friends or play music. It's taken me a long time to recognize this as nothing but a passive-aggressive attempt to control me. I also know what it's like to be up until 2am or later waiting for the A to decide to come home and missing out on sleep when I have to get up early for a job and kids. It's hard. You are not alone. I hope you are making a safety plan for you and your children.
(((Dlove))) - sending you and all thoughts and prayers. Living with the disease is such a different way that they answers often do come just not in our time frame. Know that you have support in recovery no matter what comes your way today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
