The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been "dry" about a year but I have wondered if he might be hiding his drinking from me. He also continues to smoke pot, hides it from me, and gets very defensive if asked about his use. Just writing that out sounds extremely unhealthy, but there's more.
He's become very hot and cold. One moment we are talking and laughing, then he suddenly is grumpy and won't talk to me.
Tonight our son was feeling sick, AH had given him a snack but I thought a smoothie would be a good addition. AH didn't want to make it so I said I would. AH then made a negative comment and when I said I was making it anyway he replied "well, you asked for my opinion." But I hadn't. I was never once looking for his input or approval on a smoothie.
I stated this calmly and clearly. However, AH took serious offense and is sulking in our bedroom. He is being pretty ridiculous, and i'm all flummoxed but using my tools to keep calm. I can't believe his attempts to gas light me and control me. It's so gross and abusive.
I feel like he has been stirring up reasons to argue. Last night it was over a video game, last week it was something else. The subject doesn't matter though. Even my actions don't really matter. He is doing this and it's part of his disease. It needs to stop or I need to get out of this marriage.
Ugh. My fear is telling me to forgive him, smooth things over. But my reality-o-meter is flashing huge "gtfo" signs. I'm going to focus on getting my ducks in a row, so I can leave freely with less fear.
Im so against the marijuana maintenance programme, the mood swings ugh. I think and feel all your conclusions are right. Similiar gaslighting techniques are employed here, the home is a miserable crud hole of late. Good on you for staying calm and not ( or trying not) to get drawn in. I find it draining. Always tired. Am about to head off to an anniversary aa meeting, hoping to shake off the negatives, no alanon nearby tonight. Take care.
We talked after our son went to sleep. AH was moping around, and I asked him if he was okay. He said I "shut him down" (correct in a sense, I shut down the controlling coments)
There was a lot to the conversation, we did end up coming to a better understanding of one another but he was and still is sure he was not trying to control me. This feels like a lie or deep denial. Neither one is okay.
It also came to light that he has been replacing alcohol with soda and video games and he is struggling to find a healthy balance. I had already noticed this but he said it with tears in his eyes. It was hard for him to be honest about his behavior. I just hope he finds some real recovery soon, for his own wellbeing.
I use to do this myself and got help from the ODAAT daily reader which says in part "I said I would do anything to help her recover....except get off of her back". Someone else also mentioned this passage in last nights AFG group under very similar circumstances. She mentioned her denial to see and accept that trouble she was causing in her own relationship with her addict alcoholic. Al-Anon is a we program and I am in this program to fix me after finding out I wasn't aware of all of the places I was broken. I caused a lot of emotional abuse for myself and my alcoholic/addict wife then and it took deep and patient inventories to find out what and how they appeared. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((hugs)))
Tara - take what you like and leave the rest......what I've learned in recovery is my best intentions are often 'threatening' to my qualifiers. Simple questions like, "How was your day?" were met with insane responses or silence many, many times. I then felt 'stuck' and unsure what to say if anything.
My sponsor suggested instead of questions, I just say Hello. Or, I like that shirt. Or, your hair looks good. Or, something that was neutral but showed I was still here and still cared. It did help a ton.....for them, it seems that the disease has them thinking everyone is the enemy. I've gotten brave enough when snarled at to say nothing about their drama/actions/words, but instead speak my truth - "I am not your enemy." Or "I am sorry you are hurting." Or "I am sorry you had a bad day."
I would give anything to have a normal adult conversation with my qualifiers, and hold out hope for that one day. It's gotten better and my oldest and I have had some healing discussions, some not so much. I had to learn to separate my 'feel good, feel bad' from their actions, words and reactions. How they treat me is not about me, it's about them.
I applaud him for working to get to his truth. I applaud you for supporting his efforts. Here, it often seems like one step forward, two back the one/two/three forward - etc. I am just grateful each day for another opportunity to learn, grow and love. Hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
