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Looking for ESH. As most of you know, my A husband and I have been separated for a little of 3 months. I have begun to work a strong program, regular meetings, sponsor, small amounts of service work, reading CAL literature, frequent contact with program people etc... I feel much stronger than I did 3 months ago, I feel like I have made progress and continue to. My A is also working a program. What I know is that he goes to meeting regularly, has sought out a sponsor....he too has made progress. But where do I go from here? As I continue to work on my own recovery, I am becoming aware of what recovery looks and sounds like and that is more than just going to meetings. I know that I am not supposed to take his inventory and that his progress in recovery will happen at its own pace, however, he seems complacent to continue the way things are... rarely discusses what he needs to work on with himself, says that he has changed SOOO much in the last three months. I just am so confused. I do want to reconcile and thought at one point that all I needed was for him to put down the bottle, today, I do not feel that way. Why? Because with all I am learning, I think that I fear the bottle will be picked up again without truly working the program, steps, reading etc. Do I discuss this with him? Will he just manipulate me?
My sponsor shared with me a great story from the big book about an alcoholic and his wife who go into a bunker during a tornado. After the tornado they come out and the wife looks around and sees all of the devastation and destruction and realizes what will need to be done to rebuild. The alcoholic comes out and says, glad the wind stopped.
She shared the story with me after I had approached my husband with the question, Where do you think we are, where do you think we are going and how do we get there? What would need to be done, in your opinion. His response was, nothing, just sit down with the boys and tell them. LOL I was dumbfounded.
I am the wife and obviously he is the alcoholic. In recovery will he see the rebuilding or will he just be happy that the wind stopped?
Hello confused , looking for signs of his recovery islike looking to booze . why ??? I pay little attention to what people say i watch what they do, recovery is a action thing to me. take your own inventory and don't allow him to take yours . Work your own program and you will be busy ,way to busy to worry about what he is doing anyway.
You only got to do this one day at a time , get the most out of the day and enjoy sobriety . don't worry about what he is not doing focus on what your doing. good luck Louise
What will be, will be, the futures not ours to see, what will be, will be.
I do understand your wanting to know. For me I stopped even thinking about it. Took or take total care of me. He does or does not take care of him.
My experience is they don't know. They learn to take things a day at a time, just like us. I know my A was never assertive. He rarely knows how he feels. I mean it, he honestly does not know. Maybe he never will.
From what I see they do not know what they want or how they feel, they don't know what normal is and do not know how to do it. So they take little steps and do what they learn is the right thing to do.
I expect nothing from A. nothing. I mean it. Just accept things as they come. What I do is fullfill my own life. I know it is not how most would want a relationship, but they have a disease. It is not just a behavioral problem.
Thank you for posting this. I'm sorry i can't give any ESH here it is a situation I am struggling with too. Just had to say your story
My sponsor shared with me a great story from the big book about an alcoholic and his wife who go into a bunker during a tornado. After the tornado they come out and the wife looks around and sees all of the devastation and destruction and realizes what will need to be done to rebuild. The alcoholic comes out and says, glad the wind stopped.
is the most accurate description of my marriage I have ever seen. LOL
I'm struggling w/ this to. Walking the fine line between working their program, helping where it's ok, and expecting certain results.
What your post just made me kind of think was that maybe instead of expecting certain things out of their program, that we can keep a boundry of not accepting unacceptable behaviors.
My A has been out of the house for a little over 3 weeks. I hear the: -ive change so much -I've grown up alot in the past X days -I'll work like I've never worked before.
I'm not doing well at detaching and sometimes get angry when I hear these things because I'm taking them personally. Not good but that is for me to work on.
One thing I have told my wife the past two nights when she brings this up was this. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to accept being treated poorly by them. It doesn't mean that I have to accept unacceptable behavior and I NO LONGER WILL. I'm still seeing these unacceptable behaviors so there is no point in discussing her coming home now, and we need to take things one day at a time so there is no point in saying when it 'could' if ever happen.
Maybe I have to stick to that line. Then I'm not telling her what to do, just telling here where I'm at. That kind of keeps me out of her program too.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My husband began a treatment program a little over a week ago. I guess I do continue to look for signs of him working his program just as I used to search his face for signs of using. I truly believe that the changes will be evident without one having to look for them if someone is truly making progress and working a program.
I realize that many people have so much to work on that it takes awhile for them to get to where we think they should be. Often I felt as I was not progressing as quickly as I would have liked and people told me that I am right where my HP means for me to be. I believe that my HP will keep me stuck on something or a situation until I get the lesson I am supposed to learn. It may be that your a is right where he is supposed to be for the moment. We can only work on ourselves and guage our own progress. If I am monitoring his progress or taking his inventory, I know I still have a long way to go on myself.
I think you are doing great and know you will keep up the good work
