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I was hoping some of you might be able to share your experiences if you had/have an alcoholic husband and had small kids at home. I feel I need to set some boundaries in terms of him wanting to help me take care of our two month old (overnight feedings, etc) and our older child realizing daddy is acting weird.
If he wants to help with baby but I know he's been drinking I don't want him to help but also don't like to confront him when's he's not sober. It doesn't matter what we agree to when he's sober once he's started he gets very defensive and agitated. Any personal experience would be appreciated.
I think you said a mouthful when you stated he becomes agitated and won't remember the conversation. I did not allow my xah.. It's not an accident he's an x because I didn't want or allow him involved with the kids with his erratic behaviour. Sad .. True. I come from a strong stand point of children have no choice and no voice at that age in this disease. I'm sure there are ways it can be done .. I'm not experienced with them. Sending lots of prayers your way.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I have personal experience with this. I wanted him to be a Father but an active alcoholic is not present for anyone including themselves unfortunately. They are lost in their own pain and the drink takes them away temporarily from that. I took it all personally and so my self worth, self esteem got lower and lower until I walked with my head down, couldn't look anyone in the eye and was utterly miserable. This is alcoholism in the family. It effects everyone, the whole family and the damage can be really bad, in my case my children are all adults now and each of them has their own issues coming from being brought up in a family where the Father and Mother aren't really available or present. Its the attachment and rejection kind of damage.
The really good news is there is help, real help, not the whole lets pretend we are a 'normal' family and go for marriage therapy or counselling together. Alanon is help from others who have walked the same path. Its appropriate help, there are meetings in most communities you can find on the Alanon website. There are also online meetings here if you cant get childcare. When I got into recovery my whole family has improved, I share my progress with my children and they are doing much better. You will learn about boundaries and what they really are, with alcoholism its less about talking and discussing or demanding things, these dont work and I spent years trying. Best of luck to you. Your not alone in this.
Boundaries are for you and your sanity. You don't have to verbalize them if you don't want to. For me when my kids were babies I never fell asleep with them in the bed as I was always afraid he would roll over and suffocate one of them when he was passed out. I really didn't rely to much on him for feedings. If you feel that he will be drinking I wouldn't even approach the subject. If you know he won't be drinking than you could talk to him about taking over some responsibility. It is sad to say but the more my husband progressed with is disease the less I asked him to do as I knew he would be drinking and it was easier for me to just do it instead of stress about what ifs and unknowns. It did get to the point that I had to tell our babysitter than he could not be driving around with the kids as I didn't know if he would be drinking.
