The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I come to the Board, I either come to share or I come looking for inights. When I come looking for insights, it is to find a "title" that grabs my attention that will mirror what I am feeling at that moment... sometimes it is extreme anger or fear; working the Program; something full of love & light.
We have to find things to relate into with each other, we are growing (inside).
All I know is ~ none fo you would have wanted to see me 20 or 10 years ago, hell even five yrs ago or last yr when I tried to OD ~ I was the Queen of Negativity for a long time, as a teenager, I'd win hands down everytime. Working through so much anger/turned in pain/extreme pain... no one was going to out do ME!
Besides my greatest "escape" from my homelife, if it wasn't sitting around having "ideations of escaping my pain" & what a life w/out pain would feel like ~ I was self-destructing & causing myself direct & great pain! Or going out, getting into trouble, finding ways to still escape.
Think that I could be so enraged & depressed to have suicidal ideation for 21 years, how truly beyond being able to cope with anything I must've been! I don't even like to recall what I was like... I have worked hard to PURGE, purge, purge.
Writing does help, as far as I can tell ~ it is the most cathartic thing. Seems no matter what I have to say, someone out there (at least in here) can understand & will relate, no matter how bad my expression of the feelings or the feeelings themselves are.
None of us are alone... I know I sure thought I was for 30 years....
I am simply venting a bit & encouraging others to do the same. For newbies, don't be discouraged. I used to look for the responses... I'd get disappointed when I didn't get many.
I have been writing for myself here for a long time, had to go back to the "old F* 'em" mentality & just let it out from my heart & soul.
My posts may have many non-sequitors in them... how my mind races/works, it's just nat(ural).
I have loads of ESH, scary & uplifting. Right now I'm trying hard to focus on being positive but I don't want to wear it as a "mask" for the negative either... I DO want to be purged!
Ever notice how the more tragic & desperate some of the posts are titled get the most responses or look sees - it is hard to relate to hope when you are SO hopeless.
And full of loathing & hate for yourself. Why could I be supportive of others & not myself... once those questions rolled around... I was on the verge of great changes. So negative on the outside, yet reaching for anything to give me some insights!
I am one serious walking dichotomy.... I feel I may be far enough removed from my ex that I could write about the negativity, remembering it up, purging it, without it being a "focus" merely a purge.
I KNOW what I focus on I manifest, d'uh, think about a suicidal mind weed 3 Sundays ago & late Monday w/in 24 hrs later (tues 2:30 am) I had a car crash. Ok, I get it God, that is not the way out!
God save us all.
-- Edited by kitty at 06:32, 2006-03-23
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I also noticed that the really bad ones get the most attention. I have also read that some people find the whole board too negative or too depressing or too much about the bad things that are happeneing. I only wish I had found this board when my life's chaos was at it's peak. I feel sometimes guilty because my problems pale in comparison. Other times reading about others helps me to be very thankful to be where I am right now. The longer I go without the constant chaos from the A the harder it is for me to relate or give advice so I just read and maybe post a few words of encouragement. I try to always respond to the posts that have no replies. So at least that person feels like they have been heard. That was my biggest fear...that my pain was invisible and no one could hear me crying for help. I am doing better each day and I know it is because of my family here.
Thanks for your post! Seems like we are often in the same frame of mind.
(((((((((((((((((((((((kitty))))))))))))))))))))))))))) u said "Writing does help, as far as I can tell ~ it is the most cathartic thing. Seems no matter what I have to say, someone out there (at least in here) can understand & will relate, no matter how bad my expression of the feelings or the feeelings themselves are.
i say________WOW, i can soooo relate to your whole post........man, i come here and i just "let it all hang out" and noone seems to think i am weird--freaky or whatever.....i too was OBSESSED with escape, any escape almost......i wanted to die...waited for it......wished for it.....thought it was the ONLY way i would be safe/ free from this pain.........
i am doing lots of heavy duty inner child work and its painful, but i know i have to GO through it to GET through it.......i still catch myself cursing my father's wicked soul for what he did to me....but the best way to get even with the #$#$$%%#$#er is to "LOVE MYSELF" i'll do it if it kills me/ takes me the rest of my life..................love and hugs, rosie
JULIA_________________That was my biggest fear...that my pain was invisible and no one could hear me crying for help. I am doing better each day and I know it is because of my family here.
rosie______________julia i think u do a hell of a job acknowledging people's posts....i have gotten a lot of encouragement from u....just wanted to say thanks for that.......rosie
As a new user here I have noticed that it is not always heavily traveled. I have even PM'd a few new posters to tell them not to tag questions at the end of old posts. Many times people don't go back to them to see the question.
If you have a question, start a new thread. They don't stay active long. It is not that people don't care to answer your question... they simply didn't see it.
After looking closely I interpret the 'bad posts get the most attention', as there are very caring people here and they are trying hard to attend to the needs of those in dire need. I don't think that is a bad thing.
There are things I can say here that I just can't seem to verbalize in f2f meetings. Since I don't have a sponsor, this is my outlet for the "emotional" stuff. I even use the search feature to find posts about things I am going through to see what has already been said.
This board is a godsend for me. Everyone here, new and old alike have been very comforting and intuitive.
Thanks for your post!
BTW - Kitty, have a great Birthday tomorrow. <smile>
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
"That was my biggest fear...that my pain was invisible and no one could hear me crying for help." -JMJ
The very WORST of my utter raw painful expressions ~ I did right in live chat, ranting, venting for hours, weeks incessantly!!! I thank all of you that hung around in there, either ignoring me or not, I mean I would LITERALLY scathe for HOURS a day my first 6 weeks here (in chat) at least.
I thank you for letting me me go off & having the ability to just over look my hateful, extreme rage & I thank those of you that gave me the encouraging sporadic "remeberances" of the simplest of our slogans & the constant reminders... that the 'A's were NOT THINKINING about me, so to do what I had to to take care of myself.' Let's face it, the simple truth is the simple truth!
Open chat venting or Board venting, just encouraging us all to reach out to each other (I tend to spend more time in open chat & mtgs then I did ~ used to hang out on the Board all day). Like John's gorgeous acronym said... HOPE helping/healing, ourselves/others, PURGE, emptiness!!!
Boy was I an empty shell of myself!
Ebbs & flows... just trying to be encouraging & let others know no matter how ugly what they are saying is or if they are holding back... let it flow, let it out & let it go! I think there is a lot of pain b/c so many of us have held it in for so long!
(((((((((RSL, JMJ)))))))) ty friends!
love, the kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was just thinking about how insanely angry/depressed I was my entire life. Must sound really bizarre that I could tap into God, heal another or relieve them of something, be a great cousnelor, sounding board, seek out the meaning of life and God, & then go back on my negative way.
Like I was leading a double life & definetely at war with & within myself!
Yes, we are all complicated enigmas! Doesn't matter if anyone believes me or not, I know I am speaking the truth as I know it about myself, I think after the first suicide attempt at 15, I was definetely willing & ready to face the "ugly" humanness I had within... and the anger, the pain ~ I found it ugly & grotesque, some ppl choose to hurt others & spread evil... I pray for those souls and the entire Earth, that we may all be healed & made whole!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty.....A very happy birthday to you Kitty! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Rosie....u know I love your posts! You work so hard on them and it is so inspiring to share in your insights to recovery.
rtexas....I also realize that the really bad posts need and do deserve the most attention from our family. I would never try and take the emphasis off those who are in so much pain.
Hi Kitty. Thanks for your post, it was thought-provoking to say the least.
I just wanted to know what 'ideation/s' means. I tried looking it up in my Collins internet-linked dictionary but it wasn't listed. I think I get the gist of it but am intersted to know the definition. I also don't know the expression 'non-sequitors', again not listed though i looked under 'sequitor'.
I don't know if it would've been more appropriate to pm you but I'm quite new to the site and haven't quite got the hang of it yet. At least it shows I read your post thoroughly (lol) and I've been told in Al-anon, "if you don't understand something-ask, there are no stupid questions here."
((((Ria)))) dunno wht you are really referring to...
I have spoken of 'suicidal ideations' if that is what u mean...
they are like mind weeds... I want out of pain... & spent 20+ years NOT living, being in great pain & fantasiing about being out of pain or away (since I'm not an A, no amount of drinking does it!) ~ I NEVER get to be numb like them, I FEEL EVERYTHING
I have had a life of pain, it has only stopped, since I began to work on my own life & have disengaged completely from my paternal family. Is this the answer to your question? not sure what ur asking (sorry)
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
