The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today fear is eating at me. I'm not completely eaten up with it, but I have this constant--"what is going to come?" in my mind. Nothing huge has changed! My a isn't going to meetings, isn't really working his program, I know he is using but he doesn't come home all messed up. We aren't fighting, but I know there is only one way for things to go if he doesn't get to really working his program---downhill!!! I am just waiting for things to break--the lying about money, the coming home high, the loss of his job, complete chaos and anger. I don't want that! Why don't they do what they need to do?????????
I know I can't worry about the future!!! It doesn't do any good--it may not happen the way I think, I can't change it even if it's coming!
remember the 3 C's....i didn't cause it.........i cannot control it........i cannot cure it........
which means-----take care of U....let the alkie/ druggie do what he has to do.....u have NO control anyway..............its hard, but its the truth....if they are NOT on the program????? u know they are going to mess up------ i know, i lived 12 years with it.......if nothing changes---nothing changes...so i changed...i left after trying 12 years to get HIM to do what he needed to do.......i needed to take care of me....now i do...............rosie
I can absolutely relate to what you are feeling. Fear eats at me everyday. Waiting for the shoe to drop, thinking am I strong enough to deal with it when I do. So, for today I am trying to get stronger, work my own program and my own recovery. Hopefully if the chaos of active addiction rears its ugly head again, I will be better able to handle it than in the past. With the tools of the program and the support that I will find hear. At least today you have awareness and are not living in denial. For me, that was a big step. Someone said to me recently, if he is drinking, how will that effect what you do TODAY? NOT TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY, BUT TODAY, RIGHT NOW. And the answer I found was it will not. I will go home, I will tuck my kids into bed, I will do what I need to do to get ready for the day tomorrow, and that is when I will deal with tomorrow. Hopefully as I learn to take care of me, the tomorrows will be easier to deal with.
Take care of you today, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. Make sure that you are ok, regardless of his choices and then if that day comes you will still be ok.
