Hi NewLeaf,

I think reviewing journals can be so insightful! My wife was actively drinking with stretches of sobriety and treatment followed by deeper descent into the disease for close to a decade. I remember telling myself every day: Well, things are just bad today. There is nothing really wrong with her getting a drink today, lots of people have a drink now and then. Ok, she got really drunk and passed out. Well, that happens from time to time for a lot of people, I bet. She isn't like this every day... Until she actually was like that every day.

I cried my way through f2f meetings for many weeks. Eventually, the anger took over and that was followed by acceptance, for me. I think that you will find a sponsor when the time is right for you. Some people feel a connection to a sponsor almost right away, and others go a long time without one. I think you should keep going to the meetings and the rest will happen when the time is right.

For me, 2 meetings a week during my lunch hour and posting on MIP was a really good place to start. Taking the time to think and figure things out was fantastic. Again, for me, a good 9 months of separation was also very important. That time and space gave me the opportunity to focus on my own recovery and forced my wife to decide what she wanted for herself, without relying on me to make the decision for her or worry about an opinion I might have about her decision.

I'm still on my way to serenity, and my wife is still on her way to recovery, but one thing I do know is that this program is about the process, and it is about the journey, not the destination. It seems to me that when I work my program, every day is a little bit better than the day before. Most of the time, the "better" is almost imperceptible. And then, every once in a while, I will pause and notice how much different and better my life is. Things aren't perfect, I am not always serene, and my life doesn't look yet like I want it to be, but I am enjoying where I am, and I am enjoying the process of moving on to the next phase. And still today, showing up (at f2f meetings, at MIP, etc.) is the most important thing I can do for my program.

I hope you do keep coming back and going to your meetings. Alanon works when we work the program.

((Newleaf))I can so idenify.  I attended face to face metings for over a year without sharing (except for my name).  because I felt such warmth and compassion at each meeting.  I  went to one meeting a day at that time, listened intently, learned the slogans , attempted to use them in my daily life and finally  accepted that there is no magic formula and  that "Recovery is  a process" and i needed to pick up the tools, and keep coming back.  It worked. 

Please know that you are not alone and that it is progress not perfection that we seek.

Hey newleaf66 - so sorry that the disease has caused chaos again - you have not failed!!! It is the journey, one day at a time, that keeps us hopeful - small or large. I recall vividly when I first came to Al-Anon and the days seems so, so, so long. I was trying to focus on just me and it was very, very hard as it was not my normal at all. I honestly did not realize that from waking to the day's end, I was thinking, planning, doing with everyone but me above me on my brain.

I went to as many meetings as I could - like Betty says...they brought me peace and calm, even if for only that hour of time. I also began walking and trying to talk with God. I decided to start gratitude lists and asset lists as my mind always floated to what was broken in my life instead of what was working in my life. I did as suggested and started each day with the daily readers, and a bit of prayer - it just seemed to center me - I woke up full of dread and anxiety.

For me, practicing as many suggested program things as I could helped me negate my old patterns of thinking, doing, projecting, etc. and replace them with better. I don't do well with idle time, so when my mind was obsessing over another person, place or thing, I would even clean - vacuum, closets, etc. with headphones on just to distract my negative thinking brain.

I'm kind of a neat freak, so that's what I leaned into ... distract yourself with what you enjoy and just keep bringing your thoughts/actions back to you and today....You got this, one moment at a time, one day at a time! (((Hugs)))

Hello newleaf,
I like your signature line, I love that poem. I am fairly new to Alanon. You said that you failed in your last attempts but I do not think you can fail at it. I was in AA a longtime ago, and some people do not need the program to be sober while others cannot live without it, and others come and go. I worked the 12 steps but the first few steps were so important. It took me over a year to get to the last step. Now, I am starting over in Alanon because of a close friend of mine. I always knew that there was a fellowship like this, and as soon as I felt my life becoming unmanageable again, I began searching for meetings. I do not have a lot of the literature from Alanon, but I enjoy searching for slogans and reading them in other members post. The online meetings are a nice way to stay active too.