The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post on this site though I have been reading other people's posts for a while now and attending alanon meetings regularly for a few years. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for three and a half years now. He is a binge drinker, he was drinking a lot for the first couple of years that I knew him, but was sober without any programme for most of the last year. At first I put a lot of the bad behaviour down to the drinking. By bad behaviour I mean things like verbal abuse during arguments, threatening to go off with other women, actually telling me he had been with other women(when I know he hadn't), always blaming me for our problems, trying to get away with double standards etc. During the last year I saw that this stuff goes on when he is sober as well. It has all been so difficult, even with alanon and at the moment I am doing no contact and hoping to be able to stay away this time. I have tried to leave many times already, but it's like there is a withdrawal process to go through and the pain of that usually sends me back eventually. I have been reading about narcissism a bit lately and think he displays many of the characteristics. Has anyone else found that with their alcoholic partners?
Form my understanding it is really hard to tell. I do know that some people are drunks, some people are a-holes, and some people are drunk a-holes. But there are also a number of people that, once they get dry, still are not living in what my recovering alcoholic wife calls emotional sobriety. Others call it dry drunk. All of those symptoms you mention seem to very common symptoms of it. Not having alcohol, but not yet having the maturity to really be able ot live without it, to be not understanding that life is to be lived with an attitude of gratefulness, etc.
Sorcha Aloha and welcome to the board. I think you have a wonderful recovery story to offer. I liked reading it and it gives me confidence to find another alcoholic/addict who has found clean and sober living and is responsible. ((((())))) My former wife was also alcoholic/addict who got clean and sober after trudging the road in the hardest ways I could imagine. I don't think I worked it as hard as she did and then I quit judging long time ago. HP holds the lantern and we follow best we can no applause. The first step of the Al-Anon Family groups is taken from AA and literally the same. We are powerless entirely, unmanageable completely and in need of a power greater than ourselves constantly. Narcissistic? ...self centered to the max? How often do/did we turn a deaf ear to God just knowing we could do the better job?
Keep coming back sister...this works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
I had a bad relationship with a narcissist. If you are interested in knowing more there is a lot of information on the Internet about narcissism and emotional abuse. You might find it linked with domestic violence. Facebook has a lot of groups you can join, and they will have coping skills and behaviors for living with someone like that. It cannot hurt, it might even help.
One of the things I appreciate about AlAnon is the simplicity of the program. We are encouraged to feel the freedom of letting go of things we can not control, and turn our focus on healing ourselves. For me, this meant that I did not need to expend energy trying to understand the reasons behind a qualifier's behavior, or be concerned with putting the 'correct' label on it.
I learned that I only need to determine what I am going to do about it, what perspective is most healthy to address it with, and make sure it doesn't get in the way of my recovery. I realized I could spend a lifetime trying to understand behavior that is part of the insanity of the disease, or I could spend that time working on the one thing that I can control: my efforts in my own recovery.
Keep up the good work in your recovery, hang in there and keep coming back!
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Welcome to MIP Sorcha - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in.....I spent way too much time trying to figure out what was wrong with others before I found Al-Anon. I truly wanted to identify their problems so I could fix them. My intentions were pure and good - however - I learned in recovery that my focus on them was misplaced and my best course for happiness in my life was to focus on me.
Al-Anon gave me the framework (steps), support (meetings/sponsor/trusted friends) and tools (slogans, literature, more) to work on myself and practice unconditional love - accepting me and others as we are, imperfect yet beautiful. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I get confused with labels, I can go round in circles trying to find the correct label and it helps me to feel hopeless about it all. If only I could find that one magic label that will help me understand him then I could have the correct set of instructions that will tell me how to change him!!! It doesnt exist and is a big waste of time and energy.
The one thing that gave me relief was to learn and understand about alcoholism. When I got to alanon it was all about the alcoholism and how it effected me. I didn't have to study another human being or find the correct label or diagnose their problems. I learned to find out about me. What was it about me that meant I stayed in a relationship that was dysfunctional due to alcoholism? What was it about me that meant I constantly put up with unacceptable behaviour? Not to say I learned to blame myself but I was obsessed with my ex and I couldn't even see myself or my own behaviours or motives and so I thought change only came from learning to change him and all my problems would be over. Alanon is a gentle program that takes us on a journey of self discovery and this is where I got the answers or many of them that led to real change in my life. Ive never looked back.
Thanks everybody for the replies, yes I see that once again I am trying to figure out, make sense of another person's disease/behaviour instead of attending to myself. The obsession has to go someplace! And when I am not in contact with him and spending time with him I am left with just myself and a lot of empty spaces that he used to fill and a lot of wounds that he used to distract me from. It's not easy, I am 17 years free of chemical addiction myself, in recovery and as I said about 4 years in alanon and I really try to work a programme. But I have been surrounded by this disease my whole life and I I guess recovery is 2 steps forward and 1 step back a lot of the time. I think I am just a very addictive person and in recent years that is manifesting as addiction to others rather than chemicals. I had been through huge loss and change in my life just before I met this man and I the that had something to do with why I got so involved and couldn't get out too. And of course there are very nice things about him too. Has anybody else noticed a tendency to relapse into unhealthy behaviours during times of grief?
I grew up in tremendous dysfunction, abuse and neglect. Putting labels on that did help. I also grew up mired in alcoholism. No one is as charming as a narcissist. They can definitely shower on the attention, charm and romance
All of that is tremendously addictive. For me the triggers and the pull towards the alcoholic pay in the tremendous deprivation I felt. Managing all those triggers has been hard for me
Generally the more knowledge I had the better I could deal with it. Now when I meet a narcissist and they tell me some of their splendid lies I don't get sucked it. None of that comes overnight
Al anon certainly have me plenty of tools. Keeping busy with my own goals was so key. Being present is also very important.
Taking care of myself has been very difficult. I craved to have someone else do it. As long as I was looking for someone else to take care of me I was incredibly vulnerable to alcoholics, narcissists whoever came along.
For some of us it's a long road. Other people manage with therapy, self study, and programs to get to a better place quickly. However long it takes the journey is worth it. There is a time where life isn't totally mired in someone else's problems
There are always going to be problems but for me personally its great to be grappling with my own. I deserve to take care of myself
Maresie25
Sarah When My son passed form this disease I know I was tempted to forget program and pick up old destructive tools. I was smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day then, however I decided that program had taught me to keep the focus on myself, pray and trust the process, so l joined a"loss of child" grieving group" increased my alanan meetings, reworked the steps and the grief went to a manageable place. It is still deep within, but manageable and I am not self destrucive over it. HP works in mysterious ways
Thanks for those replies, hotrod I am so sorry to hear of your loss, my son is also an addict which was what took me to alanon in the first place. He is just twenty one and has been clean a year now. At the time I met this alcoholic, I was dealing with that, my youngest child's father had died, my two older sons had left home within months of each other and my mother had been diagnosed with cancer. I felt like there was no ground beneath my feet. Imagine clinging to an active alcoholic for some kind of security in all of that?! And the thing is, life has improved. My mum is well for now, my two oldest sons are doing really well and the younger one is inrecovery
Sorry that wasn't finished. But I just became so attached to the alcoholic over the last few years that it still hurts like hell to let go, even though I don't think the relationship is good for me, I am really identifying with the pathological loneliness I am hearing about in relation to codependency and I believe it stems from childhood possibly, but definitely has bssnreawakened by empty nest and those other losses I mentioned. I know the only solution is to work on me.
((Sarah)) You have certainly experienced Grief in all forms Glad that life has moved forward and that mom's health has improved and your sons in recovery
Please do keep coming back You are not alone.
Sorcha,
I can relate to developing relationships during some kind of crisis in my life. My qualifier is an ex-bf. When we first met I was the center of his attention, he thought what I had to say was interesting. Then I ended up just being a part of his life, and not really having much of a life of my own. I would just sit and listen to him, and I finally began realizing that I had stopped talking. Eventually, I did not want to be around him. It was very hard because we had a life together. However, I felt very lonely then. At least now, when I am alone, I am not angry or resentful anymore thinking about what he is doing or what he should be doing instead. He is sober now, after 18 years. He is sick from years of drinking and I am trying to just be a friend. I am going to work hard to stay focused on my own recovery and Alanon has been saving my sanity so far. I know, I have an unhealthy codependency going on with him. I have been working on reducing it a little at a time.
))))) My former wife was also alcoholic/addict who got clean and sober after trudging the road in the hardest ways I could imagine. I don't think I worked it as hard as she did and then I quit judging long time ago. HP holds the lantern and we follow best we can no applause. The first step of the Al-Anon Family groups is taken from AA and literally the same. We are powerless entirely, unmanageable completely and in need of a power greater than ourselves constantly. Narcissistic? ...self centered to the max? How often do/did we turn a deaf ear to God just knowing we could do the better job?