The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner and I are both very sarcastic people. But, with program work, i am seeing that sometimes I use it to cover up my real emotions or to make light of something that's bothering me or to maybe use it in unhealthy ways. I see my partner do the same at times.
I''m wondering how to work this into my recovery work?
For example, I was angry at my bf the other day because he didn't tell me about his schedule and I was home with his 2 kids, basically stuck in babysitter mode when I had planned to go to yoga. He didn't tell me that he was meeting a client afterwards and that he would probably be late and I hadn't let him know that I was hoping to get to a 7 PM yoga class. I expected him home by 5:30, he didn't get home until after 6:30. I sort of flew off the handle because I felt taken advantage of and didn't feel respected. But, my jumping down his throat as soon as he walked in the door wasn't appropriate behavior on my end, either...for which I later apologized for.
He apologized the next day and was basically dumbfounded at my anger and even said, "We're coming up on 2 years together and this is the first big issue we've had with miscommunication. We're not doing so bad, you know?" Yeah yeah.....but it doesn't mean we don't address it or sweep it under the rug either.
So, today he calls me and says, "Hey I wanted to let you know that I'll be running late since there was a frost warning at the golf course." then he follows it up with a sarcastic comment, "You know, in case you had something planned." I know he meant to be sarcastic and was trying to either poke fun at my, what I felt was justifiable anger, or he was trying to lighten the topic by using sarcasm. Either way, I need to figure out how to handle sarcasm or confront it or ignore it or whatever. Admittedly, I do similar things and use sarcasm to cover up feelings or the severity of a conflict.
Would love some feedback! Thx
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I'm all about simple....as simple as humanly possible because I can get into a bad habit of over-thinking and over-analyzing EVERYTHING and EVERYONE...so I have worked hard on active listening instead of reading between the lines. I quit the latter as that's the same as projecting to me and never, ever results in healthy processing for me. So, no matter who I am communicating with, I focus on the content and set aside the emotion until I get the content. My qualifiers were annoyed for the longest time when I restated what I thought I heard, but are more receptive now as I have stated that I am trying to make sure I heard them properly.
I tend to ignore sarcasm. There are so many ways it's used - humor, diffusion, covering, etc. and I figure if I am to know more than the content, God will get that to me...he does have a good point - if you all are close to the 2 years mark, and this is your first communication issue that resulted in an argument, that's darn good!!!
(((Hugs))) sweetie....you all are still mooning (honey) with the living together so I am sure that more will be revealed! It's nice that he called - mine is an avid golfer and never lets me know when they are delayed....I adapt by using the crock pot for many meals...(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Andromeda what helped me to curb my sarcasm was a face to face meeting on the subject years ago. One of the elders brought up the definition of it and the tap root "Sarcaso" to tear flesh. I am a "get the picture" person and I got it...ugly. My sponsor always worked with me regarding practicing the "opposites" of what behavior and or emotion that was bothering me. He taught me that the opposite of using sarcasm was using empathy, compassion, love and acceptance and then the sarcasm left mostly for a long time. What would it feel like when others ripped at my flesh? Get the picture? Feel the feeling? I cringe at the thought now. Great post ((((hugs))))
Sarcasm is my second language so to be honest when people suggest it's unhealthy or something to work on I feel a bit uneasy. As a rule I really only use it to make myself or others laugh and not to hurt anyone, but I guess that still means covering feelings or trying to make light of them at times....shrug, I guess every interaction can't be a complex baring of the soul- or at least not for me!
I know my mother often uses it to "switch" a destructive and escalating conversation into a light-hearted one and it's a tactic I respond to and use in kind myself. Whether that means it's OK for other people I'm not completely sure.
When reading your description of the events and conversation my impression was that maybe he was "testing the water" by trying to make light of the previous conflict to check if maybe it was something you could both laugh off now...that's my take anyway. From everything you've said previously he doesn't sound like he's in the habit of trying to antagonise you?
People's coping mechanisms and peace-keeping skills can be pretty hard to become accustomed to. Personally I think I'd check to see if I still felt resentment over the conflict in question and if so, address it plainly and calmly and if not, answer in kind. Or alternately just ask him, if you're really unsure. He sounds like he's pretty good at pragmatic discussions?
LOL, Iamhere, I normally wouldn't care how long he was taking and I would just go about living my own life and leaving him a note if I had to go out or whatever. I don't believe that we need to know every second of our partner's whereabouts, honestly, and I love my quiet alone time anyway. My pet peeve was that I had his kids and I felt trapped in babysitter mode and didn't know when I was to be 'released', so to speak. He understands now, but his sarcasm is something I'm used to as my XAH was a funny sarcastic guy, as well. I like sarcasm as long as it's not meant to hurt anyone. Truly, I think MissM had it right....I think he likes to test the waters with me and see how I handle things afterwards. We are both conflict avoidant people and we tend to address our conflicts quickly. If we have differences of opinion, we often just let the other person be right instead of arguing to death the topic, and I think that's because we're mature and older and we know that you need to figure out which hill you want to die on and if it's really that important. I also only bring stuff up if I feel that I will get resentful about it in the future. I check my motives if I can, but sometimes I fall short and I get bitchy, as I'm just as human as the next person.
I remember him getting into an argument with his ex-wife and he said to her, "I don't know what side of the bed you woke up on today, but maybe you should try the other side tomorrow?" LOL, Oh I thought that was hysterical and if he had said to me I would have whapped him with a pillow and laughed it off and probably would have said something sarcastic back at him. His ex? Well, she hung up on him and I told him, "Yeah, your sarcasm can be sort of biting at times but she was married to you for 10 years so I'm not sure why she's surprised!"
I think I just need to start looking at how I use sarcasm myself. Am I using it as a coping mechanism? A defense mechanism to diffuse a stressful situation (which I think my bf does a lot), or am I doing it to actually be mean? I know I don't use sarcasm purposely to be mean, but I do need to make sure I am not hurting anybody with my words.
I did say something to my son recently that was sarcastic and even my bf gave me the evil and eye and then said, "Hey, he's your kid....be nice!" Hmmm, I didn't realize that what I said had come across as mean and it's something I definitely put into my program bucket for recovery work.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I know for me that how I use sarcasm or pause or quietness has nothing to do with how others may react/respond and doesn't necessarily reflect a mirror. I can be very sarcastic and I use humor too....more often than not, it's because I am insecure in the moment. I've been working hard to instead pause and reflect which has been helpful in responding more genuine.
At any point I begin to wonder what another is thinking, planning, plotting or 'testing', I step away from that....my sponsor suggests these are relapses as we've given our power away again, and are not on our side of the street. So, I've been coached to listen actively with eyes and ears and do the best I can to respond kindly without 'writing a mental between the lines script'. It does help 'keep it simple'.
I've gotten better at the saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean. My son was upset yesterday about chaos/drama in his life with his baby momma. He came to my home, and was 'angry at the world'. He decided his mood gave reason/excuse to be short with me and I remained quiet as I wanted to react and tell him, "I'm not the enemy son." Instead I let some time pass and just said, "I am sorry you are having a hard day."
Trying to assume what another is thinking for me is nothing but pointless projection. I can't project into the future nor can I project what's in another's mind/heart. I know you know how he really feels about you! I do understand the held hostage...been there with my own kids + now my grandkids a few times. It's frustrating as all get out, especially when I am used to freedom to come/go as I need/want. I readily admit that I've worked hard on my use of both (sarcasm & humor) in recovery as they feel a bit 'phony' now in some circumstances...
(((Hugs))) sweetie - you're a keeper and he knows it!!! hee-hee...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sarcasm and I were once very intimate friends I enjoyed being"Clever" and did not consider that my attitude was hurting others, until one day at the office when I saw the expression of sadness on co workers face after I had made my clever, cutting remark. I had been in alanon for a short time and understood that my sarcasm was destructive and something i needed to replace.
Working the Steps and using the slogans, I decided that the principle that I wanted to live my life by was to treat everyone with courtesy and respect . That meant that entertaining myself with sarcasm was out the window I do not regret it for a minute and when I interact with another who uses that tool, I recognize it for what it is, do not take it personally, do not engage but respond with honesty and humor.
As for his telephone call I would simply say thanks for letting me know and hang up. You are doing fine Andromeda
Thats lovely Betty. My mobs a sarcastic lot. It is a one sided communication, every one wants to win no ones really listening. A while ago, i stopped to think about my own communication which can be teasingly sarcastic. Oftentimes no thought goes into it. Its just how we engage with others, breaking ice.... But i felt that sometimes it reflects a false image of who i am and want to be. Kind and loving not jaded and clever . Jaded and clever is really my pre emptive defence strategy. Itought not be necessary to pre emptively defend myself from loved ones
Thanks for this thtead Andromeda.
I too think my sarcastic ability is quite clever of me. I have to watch who i aim it at, and around what subject. my guy gets hurt sometimes by my innocent remarks.
I remember coming home one day to see that my bf was on the couch, right where I had left him hours ago. I heard the laundry going, I saw that he had showered and dressed, and yet I still made a sarcastic remark about how he was right where I left him and he got his feelings hurt and I got defensive at the accusation that I was being rude or mean. Honestly, why couldn't I have just said, "hey, thanks for starting the laundry and you look nice today." UGH.....I think we both do a lot of this stuff and I truly believe he's untreated Al Anon so I am doing my best to live by example and try to 'teach him how to treat me', as my sponsor says. You teach people how to treat you by setting boundaries and by treating them with respect and kindness.
Just another thing for me to work on, lol!
And, yes, Iamhere.....he knows I'm a keeper. He's made that clear. He loves me and he's made that clear, as well. The other day we were joking about how we've both seemed to find our 'diamonds in the rough'......so true, you know? Nobody is truly a perfect diamond, we're all works in progress and he knows that and admits that about himself, as well.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Great share girl - (((hugs))) to you both! I'm just gonna start calling you the "keeper" - LOLOL....
I can so relate to your story about the 'couch' and the 'laundry'. It's taken me years to figure out that more often than not, my first thought, impression, perception, etc. is dead-spot wrong - it's formed or forming because of the disease. We talk often in the other room about not speaking, acting, etc. on that first thought, but instead pausing to think it through. For me, it's so true! My brain in your story would 'say' - Good Lord - he is sitting exactly where he was when I left. My program instead suggests I pause long enough to look around, listen and then use kindness and 'adult behavior' instead of my old programming.
I used to be upset that I could not modify that 'first thought'....and it drove me crazy. My sponsor suggested that maybe that is God helping me to remember where I've been and where I don't want to return. That brought me enough peace to accept it for what it is - a first thought/impression that I have a choice to react/respond/ignore/etc.
Make it a great Monday!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
