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I have been having a hard time accepting or dealing with with my qualifiers family. He has been able to talk to me after 14 days of being in the hospital. I had been talking to his sister, and she was not being too specific about his condition. She told me bits and pieces. He is doing better than expected, but he still had to go to a nursing home for physical rehabilitation. They are going to see how his mental state recovers too. I had heard from someone else he was doing better, so I called and asked a nurse if he could talk on the phone. The nurse said he could, and I called him. Then I get a message from his sister asking me to not contact him. She said a lot of things that really hurt my feelings. I had already known that while he was in the ICU only his family could see him but he was not in there anymore. Anyhow, he called me the next day. I had already suspected that his family might act strangely. He is an alcoholic and he almost died. He was already sick. I don't think they realized how sick he was. Now, they are all very protective and only want family around him. His sister told me if I wanted to go see him, I could go with her. His mother said she did not know where he was. They do not even want me visiting him. I understand that families think friends will cause their loved one to drink again, and this kind of stuff happens. This family is very dysfunctional, and I came from an alcoholic home myself. It is very hard to know that they themselves were smoking pot with him, and letting him drink at their houses. I wanted to say something mean and ugly because she hurt my feelings but I did not. I did tell her that I was going to talk to him if he called my house. I will take things one day at a time. He is doing so much better than what I thought. It is relieving to finally talk to him and see how he is doing since nobody would tell me anything. I did very good minding my own business for 14 days. Are there any other tips for dealing with families.
Families closing ranks and blaming/shunning 'outsiders" is pretty normal. That doesn't make it any less hurtful, especially since "we" ted to see ourselves as selfless and supportive and find it hard to imagine that anyone can see us any other way! But in reality they do often blame partners and friends, it seems to be some kind of protective instinct or something. I don't think there's anything you can really do other than detach from it and know that it's about them far more than it is about you. Since they can't really prevent him from contacting you if he chooses too, it doesn't really matter what they think; you're both adults and it's up to him; you don't really need anyone's permission to deny or accept contact from him.
If it was me I think i'd try to remind myself that they are worried and confused and probably looking for someone to blame, and the less contact with them you have the less likely you are to be a target for that. Look after you, and hope and trust that he will look after himself and everything will work out the way it's going to work out anyway...the less arguing, defending and blaming the better yeah?
Hugs. I do know how enraging it is to be blamed and treated poorly by your partners family because of their addiction/behaviour. It's crappy and you don't need or deserve it.
The disease is considered a family disease for a reason - it reaches well beyond the alcoholic and affects all who love/live with them. You are affected and they are affected.....it is a recipe for chaos, drama and insanity on all fronts.
The program works in all our affairs. We are powerless over alcohol, as well as other people, places and things. We certainly can not ever determine what another person is thinking or feeling and untreated people are often in a reactive state. My best choice when faced with uncertainty, fear and insanity is to step back, detach and then pray. I do believe that God will restore me to sanity, take care of me and all others have their own higher power.
I always need to examine my motives when I am judging others - for any reason. That's what the program has taught me. When I feel that others are wrong, stupid, crazy, etc. - I've been taught to look at myself and try to figure out why I am processing that way. I also have learned that others are going to do whatever they are going to do - it's my choice whether I give it control and change my day or not.
Detaching is about us. It's a tool to protect us - emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. It took me time practicing this program to realize what others do and think has nothing to do with me. They are not intentionally hurting me - they are in their own world, full of insanity, pain, disease and more. I've been able to set aside my ego and instead pray for their pain, hurt and misery.
Today's courage to change is all about over-reacting, victim playing and martyrdom....it's a great read if you have the book!! Keep coming back - QTIP comes to mind - Quit Taking It Personally!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
MissM, thank you for responding. You said, " it's about them far more than it is about you." That is correct, and I am going to have to detach from them. They are not people who are normally in my life. I have known them for a longtime, and we only share the A in common. He is an ex-bf and we are just friends. I will have my own boundaries to maintain with him since he is in going to try and stay in recovery. I hope he finds an AA group or some therapy because he still has a lot of old thinking habits to overcome.
Iamhere, thank you for responding. It is a family disease, and I have to remember that it is not my family. You said, "They are not intentionally hurting me - they are in their own world, full of insanity, pain, disease and more." That is very true, and I really want their journey to be a peaceful one. It is their journey though, and I will remember that. Thanks!
Well I have my share of dysfunctional family stuff. It's such a pain in the butt and something I have no control over. In a nutshell , my A spouse hurt my son and his family, including his mother-in-law, on XMas eve, and as a result they are "taking a break" from my A, and we are approaching all the birthdays in the family. This is the second time I have been in the middle of this mess. I can't change or fix it. But this time, different from 3 and a half years ago, when I came to Alanon, I am not devastated. As others have said, alcohol affects everyone in it's path. I am detaching with love, and they will have to resolve things on their own time. I will take the best care of myself that I can, and no one is going to tell me what to do. I'm a grown up and will make my own decisions. If your friend enjoys hearing from you, it may help his recovery. All the best , Lyne
My friend is a nice facility and I was able to go see him. He is doing a lot better. He needs a lot of physical therapy but his thinking has cleared up. That has helped me because I do not have to talk to his family so much. I am trying my best to just get along with everyone.
Thanks for sharing the news of your friend! Sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and him!! (((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
