The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all I would like to thank everyone that responded to my last two post. If it weren't for this board and my HP somedays I don't know if I could handle everyday life.
It has been 2 weeks and 3 days since I heard from my A husband. Like I said before, this is the time that I really need to work my program. I still find that from time to time though, that I am letting the fear take over. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear that my A husband just doesn't love or care about me. I have been here quite a few times. This is not the first time that my A husband has given me the silent treatment. I read an excerpt in "Getting Them Sober" that said that it's usually hard to get rid of an alcoholic and I let this comfort me temporarily. I know the fear can hinder my recovery if I spend too much time on it but sometimes it's hard to squash those fears.
I need to remember that I am exactly where my HP wants me to be and that he will never give me more than I can handle.
I'm not sure if you are wanting to "get rid of an alcoholic" or not. It doesn't matter to us. We will help YOU no matter your choice. We can help you learn how to live with or without an A currently in your life. Your on the right path, staying in touch and the desire to WORK the program. Keep coming back.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I have tremendous abandonment issues and one of the A's trump cards is to play the silent treatment. I respond less in panic to it now than I used to probably because I have this board.
I think for me there are two separate issues. One is that I was abandoned as a child and I really do not want to re-visit that pain. Nevertheless I do revisit it and often with an A. On the other level I have communicated that I would do anything but be abandoned to the A and panic sets in for me very quickly. I have worked pretty hard to let go of a lot of the panic and I have that less and less. Nevertheless I have abandonment issues and have to keep working on them.
I do not know what issues lead you to having abandonment issues but that is sometimes the key to getting away from that style of interacting. Whether the A is gone or not and generally they are pretty dramatic in their undertakings and then forget that they were so hurtful the issue is there.
I think it is one aspect of our disease that leads us to choose partners who make us revisit the pain of our childhoods. It's like we seek out that which will hurt us the most.
I think maybe recovery starts when we start to ask ourselves - "Why do I fear losing someone who hurts me so much? Isn't love supposed to feel good?"
yes, love is supposed to feel good. I know I am still trying to work out things with my father. I pick people to workt hem out with, these people don't treat me well or give me what i need, neither did my father. I am working on me, helping myself.
My sponsor said to me when I mentioned my overwhelmed feelings that "God wont give you more than you can handle....but you can take on more than He ever wanted you to." She was telling me to keep the focus on myself and my recovery, keep it simple and stay out of my A's business. The fear always (and still does) makes me want to jump in and "do" something.
I laughed when I read how the A's are hard to get rid of. ( I'm finding this true lol) I went to a conference once and had the great pleasure of hearing an Alanon/AA couple. The wife (alanon) went thru all her difficulties with her A when he was an active drinker. I just sat there and thought yes, oh how I know. Then she paused and said...."And I worried someone else wanted him." I died laughing. We all worry about that. What she did was put it in perspective.
Step 3 is one I continually work, especially during the times I feel fear taking over. This is a step of trust. It is not just the certain events that we come to God/Hp with to hand over, it is our will and our life. Every morning I try to make that my first thought as my eyes open. For too long the last thing I thought about when I went to bed and the first thought of the morning was my A. Now I do my best to let gratituded to God/HP be my first thought and last thought of the day.
