The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The Air Force is sending my son home from Iraq for 2 weeks to spend some quality time with my mother...I take this as a blessing. We don't know how fast her cancer will spread or how fast her health will deteriote.
My mother in-law fronted me money to get my daughter in-law and the grandkids home for two weeks, one of which she will get to spend with her husband, my son. Another blessing.
My A however, has started showing so much selfishness. I think because he has become in the last two years, not the center of my world. He wanted me to ask him if I could as his mother for help with the tickets. I know in my heart of hearts that I did the right thing, he doesn't ask me permission for anything. Still I feel hurt by his actions. He has outright talked about monies that will be left to me when my mother passes away. He acts hurt because I won't talk about it. He has made comments like "oh that's your money" now the threats of lesser deposits on paydays are being made. In this time of crisis, when he has said "I want to be there for you" I find more and more selfishness. The couple of times he has offered to help and I have accepted the help, he has then gotten an attitude.
I know I should be concentrating on me, working my program.....but now when I feel I need him the most he has decided to isolate himself.
I saw a bunch of "HE" 's in that post. So glad about your son. Hang onto your program. You need it more now than ever in your life. Celebrate your joys and be thankful for the tickets and don't worry what he thinks about it, you did what is best for your family.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 10:55, 2006-03-22
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
My mother died a few years ago in much different circumstances. My a was not there on any shape or form. In fact on many many levels he abandoned me. I do not know if it is selfishness. I think they do not handle loss well and get very anxious then they lash out. I think this behavior is actually to be expected. I am so glad that you have al-anon and have the focus on making your mother comfortable.
I know I had many many fantasies about the A being there for me in thick and thin. The odd thing is right now I am really focused on his mother's age (she is very healthy but aging). I am so resentful of her and her demands which will be coming. I know I need to let go of it and just take each day as it comes.
I think I am still not processing layers of rage I have about the way the A was on many levels throughout our relationship. Whenever I have been sick, which was often, he has always been absent. He was similarly absent when my mother died which was a traumatic sudden death. I feel abandoned by that and I have not really spoken about it that much. I think it is good to voice the anger in here. What can we expect from an A. It seems like they show up so little in our lifes emotionally. I do not think the A was ever "there" for me really and I settled for that because I had such severe abandonment issues. If I look at some of my other relationships I put being there as number one not being there with some emotional presence. I would do anything to avoid feeling abandoned when really I have already been abandoned by my incredibly low expectations. I live half a life because of them.
When my father passed away, my husband was an idiot! I totally understand feeling left alone and rejected by someone who is supposed to love you. The good news is there are always a few Alanuts around to listen via f2f, phone, or chat room to take care of me when I am feeling empty. Especially in those times when I am not working my program like I should be.
Guaranteed my A won't be there when I need him the most. It is selfishness and they don't seem to have the skills that the common man has. Also, I will inherit money when my mom passes away. My husband has insinuated that since he left that he is not responsible for the goals/retirement that we talked about for 30 years because after all you will get something from your mom. I think that they isolate because they aren't big enough to take the pain. My military son won't answer his dad's e-mails saying I can't believe that dad walked out on you. My A says I don't understand why our son won't answer my e-mails. So I take midnight phone calls from my son in Iraq alone and I think where is the support from my A? So sad.
For you Mary just focus on yourself and your family. With the grandkids and your son, it should be wonderful for your mom. We all have HP's that have a plan for us. Again, bless you all.
Sadly I was waiting for this. The A cannot take the focus off themself. Most started using when they were a teen and teenagers are notoriously selfish, confused, have no sense of thinking anything can happen to them
So the A is the age he/she was when they started using.
When there is crises they cannot handle it and act childish. The attention is not on them. I was holding my mom in my arms and she was dying, my A calls and starts cussing at me and being totally awful. Said I sucked everything I could out of my mother, just horrible stuff. A talking. I was horrified, it was before alanon.
Told people to tell him not to be there when I got home.
Well years later after alanon, well Just this jan and Feb. I was with grama helping her thru the predeath then the active death. Again she is dying and he calls and starts being totally horrible. I yelled at him that he tore me up with my mom, and he was NOT going to do it to me again with my dear gramom.
so hon be prepared. The A disease will want to drag you back. My heart goes out to you so so much. Mary losing your mom, is the worst after losing a child. Please, please do what your heart tells you. Rest, cry, whatever. HOld her put a recliner next to her and hold her hand.
Now if you can, be like you always were with her. She is not her disease. She is still there. Focus on that.
My mom and I teased a lot. One time I had to go to court for an FED, well it is an eviction. I was evicting these awful people. She wanted to go. Well the horrid cancer was in her bones so I brought two feather pillows so she would be comfy on the hard wood benches.
She asked how come I brought two? I said well you have a big butt!!hahaha she didn't, but was forever watching her weight.
I kissed her a lot, had my arm around her a lot. Did not allow anyone be rude or cold to her. I was a very very assertive protective daughter, and just as much loving and appreciative of how gently she was treated.
Ask everything you can think of. I got a book about me for gma and asked her questions and wrote the answers in the book. It is such a precious book now. Plus it gave her a calgon take me away, going thru memories with me.
When she is bedridden, keep a journal for people to sign and write notes to your mom that you can read to her. My gma LOVED letters.
Love will get you through this. YOu may get into some heated stuff with family. If you can, be serene and don't respond to any negative bs. serenity prayer, give it to hp.
My aunt lost her temper with everyone. I heard she was like that but never experienced it. I just got real quiet. Then when she would settle down, I would hug her. She would cry and apologise. She said she wished she did not to that. Told her to try to talk to hp.
I always pray to be the person he wants me to be.
If you can when she is down, put pictures around so when people come they will have something to talk about. Flowers are so wonderful too. If she likes animals, bring some to her. I brought a tiny papillion/yorkie, Rusty. Grama loved him .HE loved her and barked at the nurse and cnas the night he stayed with her! lol no one was touching his gma.
I am not advising or telling you want to do. It may sound like that as I am not feeling real well and am not communicating like I should.
I am right there with you. YOU take as many hugs that are given. soak them in, really feel the love.
thank you so much for your post. i was just going thru the posts thinking i could use some esh about my father dying. that seems to be the most upestting thing right now. and here i find just what i needed to hear. thank you so much for sharing. you did what i want to do. i want to be there. but i'm scared and go into denial mode. i suspect that the person my dad chose to move in with him last may might be being mean to my father who is dying. this idea makes me sick and i have no idea what to do. my father and i just started getting close a couple of years ago. but i think i need to do what i need to do so that i don't regret. God even works on the internet! thanks again for your sharing.i will find peace tonight i hope.
