Ok, my mistake I guess. I read some posts before joining and posting my own and it seemed like people were discussing their issues and others were giving tips, encouragement and yes..even advice from their own personal experiences.  

Kind of depressing to pour your heart out and be told this isn't the place for it, but thanks for clearing it up. 

 

 

Aloha Olivia and welcome to the board and family.  After reading your post I am comfortable that you belong here and are looking for the same consequences we have been since finding the program.  Do not run off, that would be much to early; there is so much to listen to and learn and you are being affected by this most cunning, powerful and baffling disease.  I was born into it and didn't approach the doors of recovery for 37 years and at that time I was done for.  There wasn't much left of me mind, body, spirit and emotions and by habit all I was doing was the same things over and over again expecting different results which I found out in the fellowship, later on was the definition of Insanity.  I was insane I knew it and my relationships so very often were with alcoholics and addicts...they were what was "normal" to me and I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know it.  Today I know it and the largest part of the knowing it was what I have learned as a member of the recovering communities of Al-Anon and AA.

I relate to what you have said here cause I have done that also expecting different results...and not getting anything different and more time to wonder about new  ways I could have the same type of relationship on different.  Never happen....ever.  I thought I "LOVE" them only to find out it wasn't love but addiction of my own, what a wide eyed realization that became ...I was practicing my own addiction and the disease owned me.  I tried everything I could to keep sick relationships going for the wrong reasons telling everyone it was love.  I didn't know that breaking the relationship took much more power and effort and reality than I had at that time regardless than how bad things got.

Stick around and keep and open mind...ask questions and follow the leads and suggestions....more is coming....much more.   (((((hugs)))))

Hey Olivia! Welcome!

It's hard to say if your bloke is or isn't ready for a relationship or if this relationship is or isn't right for either of you. Only HP knows that for sure, in my opinion. AA can give guidelines and they don't say this stuff for fun - it is hard won wisdom of direct experience and should be respected. If they say 12 months it is for good reason. Most alcoholics believe the guidelines don't apply to them because they are unique and different somehow and resent being told what to do - this is part of the personality. AA is often regarded as life or death stuff by those who have lived it long enough to take it seriously. Your guy doesn't have 12 months sobriety, that simple. It's probably wise in theory to defer to the advice of those whose business it is to live and study this disease through direct experience, like AA does. But translating that to real life is not straight forward! Because you love him etc. This is a hard situation to be in, and it is a sliding doors moment in your life. Two paths ahead of you, one with him, one without, and I'd hazard a guess that each of those paths will bring very different learning and experience and transformation to you :)
When you take into account that he is active in AA again now and trying, it would be arrogant of any of us to attempt to predict what he will do now as far as maintaining sobriety or not. He may never drink again. If either he or you thinks that will depend on anything you say or do or don't do, you're both misguided. Life has surprised me too many times for me to be happy to say much with total conviction, however there are patterns that are consistent with alcoholism.

I can say with certainty that this is right for you right now, because it is what is happening. My personal belief is that nothing is by accident and that everything is happening to awaken us to our full strength and wisdom, to show us where we're out of alignment. I don't think there's a hair out of place in the world, but that's just me. So the question becomes: is this all I needed from this, or am I up for more?

I grew up going to AA meetings with my mum, and I have always considered that a huge blessing. Because a sober alcoholic who is really active in their program and has had a true transformation via HP? THE BEST kind of person you could ever hope to meet: humble, warm, unconditionally loving, shining with the gifts of their soul, beautifully intelligent, astute, just awesome. They're like people who have been battered into holiness by their life path. A sober, healthy alcoholic has not just sobered up and gone back to being a 'normal' person, they seem to transform into human version 2.0 - they are special. They've learned. Something amazing has woken up inside them. They're super wise and lovely to be around. The same is true, in my experience, of veterans of Alanon. Those guys showed me what I could aspire to be, even when I was small. I think the path of alcoholism has huge gifts and potentials as well as all the obvious risks.
Cannot convey how inspired by sober healthy alcoholics I have been in my life - they showed me that on the other side of all this, can be awesomeness. One guy I know in particular would just be the most ideal husband imaginable. But he and his wife and kids have traversed the drinking, the denial, both their lunacy, the dry drunk episodes, the relapse, the sobriety, more relapses - you know what I'm saying? It's a rocky road without any assured outcome. The reality of alcoholism is brutal.
I also met many 'dry drunks' in those meetings who were very unwell and distorted. Many of the posts you see around here are relating to alcoholics like that.

So, frustratingly for you, there isn't a straight answer because it isn't black and white.

Literally the only advice I could say is:

1. what are your instincts telling you?
2. show up to Alanon meetings and learn, learn, learn. Even if you don't stay with him, you were attracted to this type of personality for a reason. Find out why.
3. You're very aware and proactive. You're noticing yourself worrying about your behavior causing relapse, and you're noticing that this isn't healthy. Can you see how this patterns ends up with us totally controlled by the alcoholic we love, because we live in fear of causing them to drink? Or we make it our mission to keep them sober? Many of us don't notice that until it is entrenched within us and we've completely lost the plot. Stay smart, stay honest, stay aware, read some of the Alanon slogans, arm yourself with knowledge then take your time in making your decision.
4. There isn't a nice way out of this. Both decisions are crap and both will have great consequences and uncomfortable consequences. Just got to be true to you, I think.