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Two things occurred last night while my husband was doing his usual 2 hour rant after coming home at 1:00 AM from drinking that have set me back. One, when he finally came to bed, he accidentally threw a pillow on top of me and I startled and said, "What are you doing?" He then said he was sorry and then quietly added, I'm sorry for everything. Two, he continues to rant even as he is falling asleep and I realized that he was saying, "You don't care about me." Now most of his drunken rants are full of insanity, profanity, and lashing out at multiple people and last night was no exception. I pretend to be asleep and try not to listen. I only really hear bits and pieces and most of it is repetitive garbage.
I believe his comment about me not caring about him is because I have not been kind to him lately. He says good morning and I can barely respond because I have been so upset and have been trying to detach. Some big bad things occurred over the holidays that have remained unaddressed. Also, he has a cracked rib from a fall he took when he was too drunk to walk and he traveled a mile and a half arriving at the front door covered in blood. I have been unsympathetic because his injuries were self-inflicted from drunken stupidity.
This morning I attended a meeting but found myself crying non-stop about his comments. I feel that I have been so unkind. I have not detached with love. I have just detached. He often does not remember any of what he has said or done the night before. I don't know if I should make amends and talk about what is bothering me or just let it go like everything else. I'm still crying and there is not another meeting available this afternoon. I have never reached out and used a phone list, but maybe I should. I just don't know. Is my guilt appropriate or some other manifestation of my codependency. I've really just been waiting for a sign to tell me its the right time to somehow end our 26 year marriage and now all this guilt. Could someone please share and help me sort this out? Thanks
Hi MovieGal. Firstly, "detaching with love" means love for yourself as much as it means love for your qualifier. I would start with that. Are you being loving towards yourself by considering what effect you think your actions/words/lack of actions/words have on him more than you consider what effect they actually are having on yourself? In my experience, placing myself and my boundaries first (such as refusing to interact with a drunk person, refusing to listen to raving or abuse, refusing to allow someone else's bad choices to dominate my every though etc) make me a less resentful person. If I take care of myself first and learn to honor my own needs then I am a happier person and then that loving (and forgiving) attitude becomes easier to share with other people including my qualifiers.
It can be a life-long habit to imagine that our words and actions have a huge effect on our qualifiers and then constantly try to micromanage everything we say and do- thinking that this too will have a huge effect on other people. In reality we spend far more time imagining these 'effects" that we are having and worrying that we are causing others to feel bad than the other people actually spend noticing at all. (Unhappy, sick people ted to just see or hear what they want to anyway- 'oh she's being a b...., "oh she likes me today" etc when we've spent days planning a strategy or writing a speech...lol. Your husband is probably used to you putting him and his feelings and trying to sooth away his mistakes first and that might have helped him avoid taking responsibility for his own poor choices for a long time. By refusing to do that any longer and instead honoring yourself, you actually are being loving; you're giving him back a realistic set of relationship parameters instead of a skewed, cotton-wool covered relationship that allows him to get away with whatever he feels like at the time. I found that the more I honored myself and my own needs and refused to allow my former partner to upset me, the less his behaviour actually bothered me and the more i was able to actually be loving towards him without anger or resentment. it really works. i also felt that he was glad that i learned to detach, once he got used to it because he was no longer burdened with the guilt of feeling that he was making me constantly miserable with his behaviour. Basically I guess we had to learn to stop assuming responsibilty and guilt for each others feelings and learn to be responsible for our own emotions instead. And, I had to let it begin with me. Of course it is all a work in progress but I find detaching with love comes a lot more naturally now.
Hope that helps and keep coming back
-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 7th of January 2017 03:02:22 PM
Moviegal, what helped me when I was in that phase of anger and confusion was continually reminding myself to focus on one day at a time. I'm glad to hear you went to a meeting so you know you are not alone.
I understand listening to drunken talk, and feeling trapped there. I struggled very much with the idea that I should feel more loving towards him. I know what it is like to see them covered in blood as a result of their own behavior. I did not see how I could detach with love. When I complained about that, my own daughter quoted me the Al-Anon slogan, "Progress not Perfection."
I love what Miss M wrote, " 'detaching with love' means love for yourself as much as it means love for your qualifier." That makes so much sense. We have to start with love for ourselves. We cannot give what we don't have, so we cannot give love until we have it inside. Taking care of ourselves will teach us that we love ourselves. Then we will have less stress, and as we become calmer, we can make better decisions.
Using the phone list sounds like a great idea for taking care of yourself in this moment. Someone will feel honored that you called them and gave them the opportunity to be of service. People who write their phone numbers in the meeting are willing to be called. Don't worry about crying, we have all done that.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 8th of January 2017 01:36:44 PM
The amends process for me was about change...changing my behavior and making payback when what I did wrong or poorly cost some one else some how. I also learned how to make appropriate apology whether I was wrong or not. That sounds weird however it kept me in the attitude of empathy and compassion for the negative that was going on. I am not a bleeding heart enabler I am respectful of the situation. My sponsor held me to being honest and humble part of what meant making the apology whether I was the cause or not. That was quite a thing to do and still is without sarcasm which in latin means to tear flesh....UGH. Keep coming back...((((hugs))))
Thank you both so much for responding. When my husband finally woke up this afternoon, I was calmer and decided to simply try to be kinder in the moment rather than address my concerns of last night. I don't think he would have remembered anyway. Some how my reaction seemed "sick" to me and I will be giving some serious consideration to what you both have said about self love and self care. Taking it one hour at a time today and trying to do the next right thing. Thanks again, I will re read your responses and ponder.
(((MovieGal))) - so sorry that you are in the pain you are in....there were times for me when confusion came forward and I too wondered where I was/am in the program. Often times it was because I had to go back to step one - admitting that I was powerless over other people, places and things and most importantly - the disease.
My sponsor suggests at times like this when I've really done nothing wrong but have been less than loving, it is perfectly OK to say things like, "I am sorry you are unhappy." or "I am sorry you are in pain." The simpler I keep it, the better it seems to work. Amends is for us as much as it is for them.
I am also reminded of the Acceptance paragraph from the AA Big Book -
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
I struggled big time with detachment (with love) in the beginning. I was told that it was OK to detach with indifference and I could choose to speak about it or not. My go-to statement when asked, "What's wrong with you?" (that's what they said when I paused to keep my lips shut), "I'm just considering if a response is needed or not" or "I'm just processing...."
My qualifiers often threw jabs my way out of habit and as part of our mutually ill patterns. When I stopped reacting, it really threw them off balance. A new pattern was forming and nobody really new what came next.
I'm a huge fan of talking things out with others - if you've got a phone list, by all means...it may be just the tool you need for today...
(((Hugs))) from my part of the world...keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi MovieGal I have established a principle of always treating everyone with courtesy and respect regardless of how they act and this has served me well. NO more reacting in stead I "respond ". Alanon's tool of placing principles above personalities does work. Great awareness and acceptance on your part.
Your post reminds me of a saying, I forget how it goes, but it refers to the way fishmongers grow desensitized to the stench of fish so can tolerate smells that would knock other people over unconscious, lol.
The reality of lying in bed while a drunk person raves an old repetetive litany, is rough. Don't lose sight of that. Go easy on yourself, be realistic about it, even if you are desensitized a bit like the fishmonger. Acknowledge the stench you're working with! Echoing what the others have said: self love and self like.
There were only so many times my qualifier could turn up at the door having lost their pants, covered in blood, mysterious head wounds, carrying stolen bags of oranges, suicide attempts etc, before I had to detach lest I lose the plot. I actually really liked reading about how you responded to his broken rib scenario. I felt proud of you and impressed. I feel like your natural, developing detachment validates the next logical step for us all. It seems like the right progression. I think for a start we detach with a bit of natural negativity and uncertainty, and then we practice and experiment and continue to grow, so we naturally grow into detaching with acceptance and love. But when I tried to force myself straight to the feat of detaching with love, I was trying to skip steps in the organic unfolding of my growth. That set me back. All the stages are important for me to live through fully.
In my experience, alcoholics feel that no one cares about them 24/7, no matter what anyone is actually doing. The alcoholics I know and love are hyper sensitive and seem to have a default reality that they are unloved, uncared for and misunderstood. The alcoholics I know, are inherently convinced of it and describe feeling that insecurity as long as they remember. The alcoholics I know look for ways they are being unjustifiably vilified by others, and then tell themselves stories about it night and day, torturing themselves with it, even if it isn't 100% true. Resentment is huge.
I've noticed that a lot of the drunken speeches reflect the past more than the present.
In other words, he might say that you don't care about him no matter WHAT you do or say, no matter how kind you are or aren't. Because being uncared for is what is true for him. ALSO, if he senses your detachment and recovery he might be, in the back of his mind, trying to hook you back in.
A few months ago something clicked in me about what all this must be like for the alcoholic, and my heart broke and filled with compassion at the same time. My mind ran a replay of all the dreadful ways I'd acted towards the alcoholics in my life and how much worse I must have made it for them. I saw for the first time how wildly inappropriate my responses and reasoning had been. Strangely, I didn't feel guilt, I just saw it clearly. All the unnecessary suffering I had co-created when I didn't understand. At that time, I wanted to make amends and apologize, and I thought of writing a letter. The letter idea was because I knew if I spoke it, the other party would forget the convo the next day! Haha. And it was important to me that they heard and internalized my apology and acknowledgment. In the end I waited to see if an opportunity arose naturally for me to have that conversation, and it did. Since then I've been gradually feeling more and more neutral about it all - I don't feel sorry for any of us as much as I used to, I just feel like it is what it is.... hard to explain.
I think the really important thing is to know what conduct is important to us deeply, and follow it out of self respect. Do what sits right with us at any given moment.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Saturday 7th of January 2017 08:33:17 PM
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You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
I feel like amends lists have us right at the top. It's a process. A gentle process that takes us on a journey until we're ready to make amends for us. It's not about the other person and guilt is not part of it. Your amends to yourself begins the minute you reach out like you have and find your seat I an alanon meeting. I don't believe there is a better gift in all the world.
The quality of the experience, strength and hope on this board is awesome. I am reading and re-reading these responses and absorbing the wisdom. Thank you all so much.
