The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Met a women in the program(AA) and starting dating. Nothing to romantic- just got together once a week or so. Went to dinner, movies and took her son to a hockey game. Moving really slow, felt really healthy to both of us. We never pushed or forced anything on one another. We liked each other unconditionally and were always happy when we were together. Had sex once about a month in. Not planned- just happened. Met her parents and started going to her place a bit more. She lives below her parents. Still only getting together 1 or 2 times a week. We were both fine with that. We both have our own lives. Went this way for 3 months. Touched base during the day via text with quick little how's it going etc. and the little emoji's grew into hearts and kisses etc.
A couple months back on a Saturday see wrote me and told me she missed me that night and I said like wise. We each were off doing something different. Sunday a few notes back in forward checking in with kissy emoji's etc . Everything seemed great! Best relationship I've been in. Monday wrote her a good morning and hope you have a good day- she wrote back thanks, you too. Then followed up with- I don't expect you to wait on the sidelines while I finish my Step Work? What? I asked for clarity- she writes I don't think I can do both and it would be selfish of me to work on me & provide you with what you needed. She said she was reading her 5th. with her Sponsor and it brought up a lot of fear around commitments, relationships and how she treated others and herself. Okay- I get that and thanked her for clarifying. Okay- she needs alittle space while going through this- ok.
Still not knowing were I stood, I backed off and gave her space. A week goes by- no contact. I wrote to her with a general- Hi, thinking of you- hope you're doing well and have a great day. She responded- Thanks you too. This went on for a couple of months- I would check in every couple of weeks. Didn't want to add stress or push her away. Same response. One time- no response. We attend different meetings so we don't typically bump into each other.
Saw her on New Years Eve Alcathon- general program hug and how are you doing then she walked away. Okay- little while later I go up and say hi and asked if we could talk for a few minutes- she said No- not right now. Okay- maybe timing was off- uncomfortable. Saw her at a meeting the next morning- no eye contact- no hi- no glance. I gave her space and didn't push it.
What am I missing? You go from a nice non pressure relationship & missing someone on Saturday to letting them go on Monday with no further contact? She has not reached out to me in over 2 months. Now she won't talk to me? I don't get it.
(((Mike)) Living with and loving in the disease of Alcoholism is full of un explainable actions and reactions,
It appears as if you two were doing well, connecting, getting to know each outer etc, and then she began to process her 5 th Step and it all changed. I do not believe you have done nothing wrong however it sounds as if she is looking at her past dating actions in new light and is becoming fearful of hurting you in a like manner.
i am sorry that this is happening and urge you to double up your alanon meetings and trust HP .
(((Mike))) - hugs to you....I'm with Betty - based on what you've shared, I don't think you did anything 'wrong' - it appears something has changed on her end. It sounds as if she suggested this 'change' - whatever it may be - has to do with her program and step work.
There is no harm is reaching out for a discussion. It appears that she may prefer that happen away from program/recovery 'things'. When you asked to talk with her, she did not say, "No" - just not now. I love the say what you mean, mean what you say - but don't say it mean slogan....for me, it works beyond my qualifiers, and has come in handy. There is nothing wrong with seeking to understand if that's what you need to process....
I find that many people, both in and out of recovery, struggle deeply with communication. It's not that they don't want to talk about it or process it, but his/mine/our emotions and projections appear and then silence feels 'easier'. I'm a die-hard person - I have no issue letting go and letting God, but I try to ensure that others understand my position/thoughts as best I can.
Lean into your program and the answers or best next step(s) will appear. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your post reminds me of my sponsor telling me over and over, "When somebody tells you who they are, BELIEVE them." This came to mind as I read the part of your post about her telling you about her fear around commitment and relationships.
Yet, how I overlooked that simple suggestion, seeing what I wanted to see. It happened in a romantic relationship... he clearly told me of his addictive nature but I plowed full steam ahead and it ended predictably. It happened with a job I took on, on day one I was treated horribly and I kept coming back..... until I was dragged, of course. It happened with a sponsor I tried for awhile, she said she didn't have much to give.... sign me up!!!! it wasn't until i did inventory on my resentment over her unavailability that i remembered... she had told me from the start.
It even happened with a new sponsee I took on, telling me from the start that she was "not good in relationships." This time, I did remember what my sponsor said. I took her on anyway but I can tell you........ she was right.
This may not be the case for you, but this is how I relate to your post (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 5th of January 2017 04:24:15 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 5th of January 2017 05:15:41 PM
Aloha Mike thanks for the memories...LOL Been there and done that and wanting to be close while you have your own experiences without sharing the horror stories of my own. One part of mine that isn't a horror story is the part of building a relationship with my own Higher Power (higher than the alcoholics and addicts) to join me in the relationships with the alcoholic/addicts. We have that saying "crazy making" in recovery and while that isn't an intention it is a consequence. Got sober and staying sober and along the way had to learn the definition of insanity...doing the same things over and over again expecting different results and Sanity..."a continuous and orderly process of thought". Critical thinking for me was jolted early on by the 2nds step...specially the words "HIGHER" power and "SANITY". I was so lacking awareness and experiences I needed the jolt of "been there and done that before" and then I find myself in the recovery discipline of this spiritual program. Remember the alert "Progress not perfection"...you're not perfect and neither is the gal you are smitten with regardless of the time in recovery. When I realized that I checked my brake system. Relationships for me were exactly like booze and quite often if not all the time the booze came with them. Did I clear all of the compulsive thoughts, feelings and behaviors out of my system when I got into recovery....Not Even even though I liked to think I did and soooo I built "THE RELATIONSHIP" with HP and share that relationship with HP only. My wife doesn't even hold the same relationship status in my daily life.
I learned an Al-Anon thought force when I first arrived in recovery and it took lots of practice with it to get it real. "If you love someone, let them go...If they never come back it wasn't supposed to be. If they do come back love them forever. Since I live only one day at a time that comes much easier than not. Sex for me after inventory took on the same or greater value as a drink.
I to try to live by the words when someone tells you who they are believe them instead of trying to build them into what I want them to be. It is always painful when we feel rejected by someone else but this really isn't about you. Its about her and her inability to commit to a relationship right now no matter how simple it appears to be. It would be nice to have clarity regarding her apparent sudden decision to end it but then again we never really know what another is thinking and it is exhausting trying to figure that out. I don't always know the plan my hp has for me and sometimes things that happen is my hp protecting me but I don't always appreciate it until later. Take care.
Hi Mike, lots of great answers here from the wise folk.
I have lots of 20 to 30-something friends who experience these kinds of inexplicable, sudden relationship breakdowns quite frequently, with people who aren't alcoholics. There appears to be an epidemic of frightened, disjointed people who can't be consistent because they don't know who they are. Complete/pervading horror of intimacy. Some kind of entitled western kid syndrome, in their case, totally different than your lady's situation. And of course every time it happens it makes each party even more edgy for the next love interest. Round and round and round we go.
If she's had some really tumultuous relationships in the past, bad enough that they have registered as trauma in her body, then all current and new relationships will literally induce a complex-PTSD-type response for her. It's exactly like a soldier with PTSD going back to the original battle ground. For people with significant emotional trauma, relationships and family life are the battle ground where the wounds first developed. Tian Dayton is an expert in this, she specialises in ACoAs. Tian's bang on the money.
Her new relationship with you would have had all the subtle cues that her subconscious associates with relationships of all kinds and immediately connects to trauma, guilt, shame, chaos. Quite apart from her conscious mind and self which would have been really enjoying you, she would have had a silent storm of PTSD raging in the background, getting louder and more forceful. 'It' - the protective fear, is not seeing you. It's a primal consciousness picking up basic cues and making subconscious associations from the past.
I used to be like that. There's lots of research and help around for it. It takes time and consistency to heal. If this complex-PTSD thing is true for her, she does need some time to get some ground beneath her feet to feel safe within herself, able to trust herself, able to earn her own self respect and forgive herself and others, first. It sounds like she's committed and working hard which I admire so much.
If she DOESN'T go through her process of addressing all that within her, forgiving and reconciling the past, then she may be doomed to play her old unconscious programs out on you. Which, let's face it, she has already done with the sudden cut-off. That's not a dance either of you want to do.
If you do have a clarification-oriented conversation with her like the others suggested above, she may not be able to explain adequately, because most of us cannot access those deep vulnerable places within us even for ourselves, let alone others. And if we do, those pockets of swarming fears and pains often don't lend themselves easily to language or logic - something you can lay out in a sequential pattern for another to comprehend.
She may only be capable of a short burst sentence like "I need to do my 5th step" with the subtext of 'please leave me alone, I'm scared'
Also when she talks to you she might be a bit scattered because guilt and embarrassment and sorrow might have already built up about how she has treated you and then avoided you. It's all understandable. We do this until we know better deep in our bodies. Alcoholic personalities are quite avoidant, not because they're cowards but because they don't have the skills and they don't have thick skin. Everything spins on an axis of shame and guilt. I'll be she is very confused and torn.
In some frames of mind, it is easier to cut people off, end all contact, and retreat into yourself, to prevent further harm to them and self. It is not about punishing the person, it's a primal fear response. Flight.
The main thing I wanted to say to you is, I just want to remind you and make sure you remember to care for yourself through this as you would your best friend or cherished child.
This stuff really hurts and bewilders us and agitates the good old universal pain around rejection and abandonment. Please keep in mind that it is highly likely that this lady is currently living in a bit of a cyclone of healing. It's a good thing, but it's tumultuous and it's not the time for consistency when everything is being bought up and swirling around for reconsideration by her awareness.
And as for the confusion about missing you Sat and cutting you off Mon, believe me: both can be true. Logic and reason has very little jurisdiction over a person who is in the midst of serious inner work. While she's sorting out what is her, and what is her 'stuff', she will have many varying internal opinions and urges at odds with each other. NONE of it is anything to do with you or who you are, which I kinda sense you know. Also, I really like how you have conducted yourself. Shows such maturity and respect and internal health and balance and all those great things.
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
Thats tough mike. Im in a relatively new relationship too that sounds very much like yours, we see each other once maybe twice a week and in between lovely text messages. Also seems healthy to me. Ive also felt many times that despite this being non pressured and slow moving that ive wanted to end it too. Im in recovery working the steps too, my perspective may help.
Ive felt this relationship has compromised my recovery through the whole 'being in love' vibe. Its been lovely but intense feelings that i have found difficult to process. It brought to light another layer of me, i can be needy, demanding, controlling, fearful of being abandoned. I think about how serene ive been since joining alanon and life challenges this serenity as you know but this relationship has challenged my recovery and actually brought forward another set of shortcomings. It seems i have shifted power from me to him and seek validation that im worthy on to him, so im like a little child waiting on his time attention praise and then i feel good about myself. Wtf. Ive spent almost 5 yrs taking back my power, validating myself, living for me. Making choices that are good for me. My people pleasing is major in this relationship, im vain, im looking outside myself for my peace of mind and happiness, im looking to him for it.
Ive wanted to call it off many times but all this is my issue, its not about him. I believe my higher power has put him in my life to help me go deeper, find out more about me, sharpen up those tools i was good at using for so long with the drinkers in my life. Im back at step one again. Im powerless over people places things, this relationship, my feelings. My life has truly become unmanageable throughout. Im working to focus on me again, my life, keeping my street clean but i want to do it in an honest way and hopefully our relationship can survive that, if not then thats the right consequence.
Im not sure your gf feels the same as me but i suggest you turn your attention to you mike. Her decision is likely all about her, dont take any of this personally. Youve got your program and our program is all about freedom and letting go. It might be good to work your steps on this and work towards letti g her go fully and freeing yourself from the thought processes that are causing you discomfort.x
Yes mike and I - I've done that and had it done to me. I can sum up my thougbts on it pretty easily:
Sucky relationship communication skills. She got scared and didn't want to put her heart on the line right now. I'm guessing she is conflict avoidant. Doesn't have enough guts to have a difficult conversation with you or thinks the "I need space" one was sufficient when it really wasn't. I used to just stop answering calls when I was "done with" people romantically. I figured they should "take the hint." I didn't get that it was immature and insensitive.
Big thank you to all of you! What wonderful wisdom you have shared. It helps to understand and process things. The solution seems to be one I must get too- Letting go and turning it over to God. The one who has all power. I am powerless over her and our relationship. I need to focus on me. Be the best me I can be and God will take care of the rest. He certainly does a better job than I ever did.Back to surrendering. As I write this- isn't that always the solution? But how hard and the pain we need to go through to get there some times.
Yes surrendering and acceptance seems to be the best answer, but we never seem to go there first! Practice, practice, practice as Jerry would remind us. Really good luck to you Mike, you can get through this your smart enough. Keep the ones who love you and support you close, and keep up with your Alanon reading. Linsc
I agree Mike - I am reminded where it says in the program that no human power can relieve us from the affects of alcoholism......not for lack of trying on my part!!! I have always been one to overthink, over-process and over-analyze most things before I remember that there is great power in surrendering and letting go....
(((Hugs)))....I still think that relationships are so very, very difficult - everyone wants one and to be happy but everyone is afraid to express themselves when difficult times come. And - they come for everyone!! Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
