The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's daily in Courage to Change talks about enabling, compassion and motives....So many of us came to the program believing we were helping with compassion by covering for the alcoholic - making excuses, cleaning up financial messes, etc. The program shows us that when we did/do this, we were enabling them to continue as is without having to pay the price - consequences.
Al-Anon suggests true compassion for our loved ones instead might be to allow them to face the consequences of their actions, even when it will cause them pain. We are asked to consider our motives to help determine if we are supporting or loved ones or enabling them. Questions to consider include, but are not limited to:
- Am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved one's choices?
- Am I trying to do for someone what they could do for themselves?
- Am I doing what I think is best for me?
- Do I resent what I am doing?
Based on these answers, we learn to determine if our choice is a loving choice or an enabling action. Love and Compassion in recovery suggest we allow others to take responsibility for their behavior.
Today's reminder --- Today, I will remember that I have choices, and so does the alcoholic. I will make the best choices I can and allow others in my life to do the same without interference.
Today's quote from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism --- "I must learn to give those I love the right to make their own mistakes and recognize them as theirs alone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my biggest regrets before recovery is the frequency in which I stepped in to 'fix' things to have my qualifiers avoid natural consequences. I thought, especially as a mom, that my job was to protect my children from pain, no matter the source. In recovery, I learned that stepping in when they've made bad choices takes away their opportunity to learn.
It took me a while to separate my brain from my heart as well as the disease from the person. Working the steps and practicing the program helped me see that my actions and reactions were not compassionate nor truly helpful. They were band-aids on a gaping wound that just kept seeping as the root cause wasn't addressed or treated.
I've learning new ways of thinking and responding that help me step back and allow life to happen around me. I have faith that my HP is truly leading my qualifiers and I to the best journey possible, for each of us. While it's still hard at times to watch the path my qualifiers take, it is easier with my spiritual journey and Al-Anon.
My motives should be pure - no hidden agenda, no manipulation, no expectations. If I am doing what feels right and able to leave the results to my HP, I'm usually comfortable with the decision. When I have doubts, I pause and pray until I get 'there'.
One Day at a Time, more is revealed. Happy Thursday to one and all - we have snow here and it's very cold! Stay safe and stay warm to all who are affected by our winter weather!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you IAM for this daily and your service,this is a keeper for me ,just what I needed to hear again,seems lately most of the readings are speaking directly to me and my sit. I'm writing down all the ?s here also will help me to see if I'm helping my loved ones or enabling loved ones,very important ?s to ask ones self.
(I've learning new ways of thinking and responding that help me step back and allow life to happen around me. I have faith that my HP is truly leading my qualifiers and I to the best journey possible, for each of us. While it's still hard at times to watch the path my qualifiers take, it is easier with my spiritual journey and Al-Anon.)
I had to copy and paste this part of your share for its so serene to hear ,gives me a lot of peace also, All your share was ,is great...............hugs,,,,lu
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:03:11 PM
Thank you IAH for sharing this great page, and hotrod and lookingup for your shares. This page is so helpful to run through when in doubt, and not a bad idea even when I think I know where I am on an issue...always tough when dealing with those we love.
An area that I continue to work on is leaving the compassion and love switch on when I turn off the enabling switch; I found that I tended to shut everything down so I didn't have to feel it. My program is helping me so much on both sides, very grateful.
Yes IAH, a bit more than frost on the pumpkin this morning...it is chilly! I couldn't help but notice, however, just two swipes away from March on my phone calendar, you'll be in spring training before you know it! Haha, stay warm all
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hey Paul - as of today, with our temperatures, spring could come today/tomorrow and I'd be more grateful than usual!!! I am ready for ball - we are starting the planning.....I've been asked to help take Al-Anon meetings to a new treatment center in your part of our area and I suggested we get it going now so I can schedule softball around it!!! Let me know if you have any interest - it will be an evening event...
Betty - I understand exactly what you say....my youngest is in crisis mode and my AH and AS are walking on egg shells and enabling big time....I feel left to the side as I'm trying to keep my peace and maintain my boundaries. There is a part of me that realizes this is a lonely place at times and it's hurting me ... just for today.
Hey LU - agree completely ... this is a great page. It's simple to read/understand and even sensible no matter where my mind is.
Make it a great afternoon all - I'm considering a nap....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for this today, I needed to read this. AD has terrible money management and does not pay bills and is always broke. I am constantly fighting the urge to bail her out but I know that I have to step away and allow her to have her consequences. Today I simply gave her the information about a bill payment that came to the house and left it alone whereas prior to any recovery I would have stewed and harped about it forever. Ill take that as some progress for today. Her choices her responsibilities, none of my business and No is a complete sentence.
- Am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved one's choices? I do not seem to know how to be clear about this. With my son living together with me and my husband I often have decisions to make about what to do/not do on a daily basis. Sometimes I know that any choice I make will effect a natural consequence in some way. So I just try to do what seems loving and not enabling to the best of my ability and chalk them all up to learning experiences. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
- Am I trying to do for someone what they could do for themselves? Very clear, I can understand and ask myself this question and know what to do, or not do.
- Am I doing what I think is best for me? Another confusing one. It sounds like the reading is pointing to this being a sign of enabling. If I am supposed to be putting the focus on me and learning to set my boundaries then shouldn't I be doing what I think is best for me?
- Do I resent what I am doing? Another clear helpful one. I have found that sometimes I do feel resentment and when I do that is a sign that I need to look at the situation I'm feeling resentful about and make a correction. My resentful feelings are a great tool for pointing me where I need to go.
Sometimes I feel angry about the choices my son makes, but today and yesterday I have been able to feel compassion and love in spite of the difficult situation, though I do not condone his choices. I think this may be a long, painful journey, but I prefer to feel compassion over anger. Thank you for posting this and all your shares.
Neroli, are you attending Al Anon meetings? And reading the literature? When we learn more about this disease we can make better decisions for ourselves and our love ones....... linsc
